Saying hello and needing a hug - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

andfasterwefall · 11-29-2008, 11:54 AM

I don't know where to begin, really. I've always searched for mental disorders and medications online, and always see these message boards and wished I had one to ask questions in. I found this board while searching for cyclical mood disorders on google and saw that it's pretty active so here I am, saying hello and hoping I'll find some sort of comfort amongst anonymous online friends.

I am male, 27 years old and I've suffered from some sort of "non-normal" mental disorder since I went through puberty. When I was in my mid-teens I would sleep in my room for days, only going to school when I had to and would not talk to anyone. My mother knew something was wrong and had to keep a close eye on me. She has suffered from depression her whole life and my father was bi-polar. When I was 18 I started taking wellbutrin (until I was 21), which helped with depression but I still had terrible behavior at times which caused relationship troubles with whatever girl I was seeing. As I look back, I now think that it was induced mania from the anti-depressant I was on.

At 21 years old, I started dating a girl, who just left me this past February of 2008 (a 4.5 year relationship). We were engaged. As it turns out, every 4-6 months I engage in behavior that completely rocks the foundation of my life. You'd think that with a girl I loved so much that I'd be able to keep it together, but with my condition I might feel one thing one week, and another the next. I cheated on her many times - to this day I don't exactly know why. The depression is manageable, the mania is manageable sometimes, but these mixed episodes that I get make me want to end it all

<Edited: disallowed subject> Read the rules.

During depression, I hate myself and sit around doing nothing. During manic episodes, I get creative and work on art and write music. But during mixed episodes, I feel mundane and depressed yet actually have the energy and willpower to do crazy things; I go out and explore things that make me feel alive. It is during these times that I seek out the company of other men (yet I am heterosexual), get impulsive and buy things that I cannot afford, make rash decisions that are outside of what I'd normally do, and as I come down I feel that I hate myself more and more.

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I have conversations in my head with other people, I feel like I am on some sort of stimulant all the time and feel like the chore of living is too much for me. I have lost the girl I loved more than anything else in the world, another girl that I dated since her that supported me and understood my condition yet threw her away at the drop of a hat, and feel like I'm going to be either 50 years old by the time I marry or end up marrying 5 times in my life.

I just want to be normal

Here I am again, on a ride of medication that I try every other year or so before I stop taking it on my own. I am currently on Celexa and Equetro. We'll see how this goes.

seaturtle · 11-29-2008, 08:05 PM

Hi,

Have you been diagnosed bp? It certainly sounds as if you have the symptoms and struggles of it.

You say you will be on meds before you go off them again. Is this a pattern with you?
I think the majority of people with bp find it necessary to find a good medication regime and then to stick to it. And do you have a therapist?

The effect on our close relationships is so hard to handle, I know. But with proper treatment medically and counseling, we can learn to have more normal live with people in them.

There is a lot of help here on this board. I hope you keep posting,

Seaturtle

dreams in neon · 11-30-2008, 04:20 AM

Hello and welcome to the boards.

I can sense the frustration in what you've written and I feel for you. I've been there too and it isn't fun.

What I've found helpful are a combination of meds and bi-weekly therapy. In my therapy sessions, I discuss my mood chart so my tdoc can see patterns in my mood swings, we discuss any situations during the past 2 weeks that may have triggered a manic or depressive episode, I'm reminded about how important it is for me to take my meds on a daily basis and am taught how to recognize the signs of mania and depression especially since I am a rapid cycler.

I've been struggling with mania and rapid cycling for the past several weeks (in fact, i'm being hospitalized at the moment and will continue to be for another 4 days), but I think my problems with cycling have more to do with a pdoc who isn't taking my treatment seriously as well as the fact that my mood stabilizer has finally "pooped out" on me.

Enough aboout me though. If I were you, I'd definitely stick with your meds and seek some kind of weekly or bi-weekly therapy to help you manage your mixed episodes. Therapy could do a world of good.

Good luck!

TAJ8219 · 11-30-2008, 08:19 AM

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andfasterwefall · 12-02-2008, 11:18 AM

Thanks for the replies guys. I have never been officially diagnosed as bi-polar, but a psychologist I used to see in the past felt that I might have been. The reason we didn't look further into it was because my time with that psychologist was running out. I was seeing him through my college and the school only approved one semester of treatment. I had petitioned for an extra semester which was approved and that was the end of the year. He had urged me to seek treatment elsewhere but I had no insurance and I was feeling better so I stopped therapy and the meds altogether.

My life has been a timeline of extreme ups and downs; typically 2 or 3 times a year I have symptoms of a "mixed episode" where I engage in behavior that completely upsets everything in my life. As I mentioned earlier, impulsive behavior, bad decision making, hypersexuality, and an overall feeling that I'm on some sort of stimulant and going crazy.

Right now my medical doctor had put me on Celexa for depression and anxiety, but 2 weeks into it I started on a very intense manic episode that lasted for about a week. I called him and told him what was going one, and he prescribed Equetro for me and urged me to see a psychiatrist/therapist for regular treatment. I have a psychiatrist appointment next Monday and will start seeing a psychologist again.

And yes, I have gone on and off meds for the past 6 years. I just have not been able to stay on anything because typically I have only taken antidepressants which have made me feel better (yet induced manic episodes) and given me tough side effects (erectile dysfunction, etc.).

We'll see how this goes this time around...