cyclomaniac

hey, all, i haven't been here in a while because my meds have been working for months and months. until now.

last time i was here was about 3 1/2 months ago, after my husband asked me for a divorce. we ended up working things out, but then two months later he asked me for one again and that was it...i knew it was the end. the reasons why he asked are not important, that's not what i'm here to discuss. all you need to know is that i have been episode free for months.

so, i have not lived in the house for two months; i am finally in my own apartment as of two weeks ago, but prior to that i lived with a friend, and then my aunt, during my two weeks of being "homeless". it was a pretty stressful time and i slept on an air mattress for about a month of it...bad, bad, sleeping, let me tell ya!

well, two weeks ago i moved into my apartment and i think that's when the mania began. i moved all day with the help of my parents, and then i unpacked the entire apartment in six hours that night. i also didn't eat all day, which is something i do when i'm hypomanic (remember, this is my first manic experience, everything else was basically classified as hypomanic because i hadn't really done anything crazy).

later that week (tuesday) i stayed up until 4 am (and contemplated not sleeping at all, since i wasn't tired). i spent my time on online flirting with people.


then, wednesday, i actually met a guy online that i wanted a date with. suuuuuuper hot. so, we got to chatting and it turned sexual pretty quick. this is something that normally would have really bothered me. i stayed up until 2am this time.


friday rolls around and i go grocery shopping. i buy a bottle of wine in anticipation that i will be inviting the guy over to my place that night...i hadn't even met him, but i had decided if he was as hot as his picture was then i'd have him over!

we finally meet and WOW...he is the hottest guy i've ever met (at least i think so at the time). we have a great dinner, lots of conversation, and i'm feeling bubbly and on top of the world, as i did for the past week. i actually say something about how i'm not usually impulsive, so something in me recognized that but i didn't connect it with bipolar.

we end up back at my place after renting a movie, we watch the movie, all i can think about is this hot guy next to me, so we end up in a pretty heavy duty make-out session...it was FABULOUS. i haven't felt that good in a long time!i stop it before it gets to sex, though...

because i wanted to make sure i didn't screw up my chances for a second date by giving it up too early.

he ends up staying the night and the next day he tells me i can keep texting him. well, at this point, i believe that i am actually in love with this guy and i feel like we've known each other for months if not years, so i get really comfortable with teasing him via text, and eventually pressing for second and future dates. eventually his texts stop coming.

sunday i go to church and end up feeling really bad about making out with some guy i just met so i text him that i'd "like to talk"....which of course is a nail in the coffin after a first date. but, again, i still had this over-comfortable feeling with him. that night he deletes me from his facebook and that's the end of that.

then for a couple days i obsess over the whole thing. whoopee. none of my friends understand why i am so upset over one date.

finally, about two nights ago (wednesday?) i end up realizing that i was manic and now i'm here, sharing my story.

so what do you all think? i am headed to my doctor this coming thursday (got my new years eve appointment moved up a bit because of this episode), but i'd like some input. this was the most intense episode ever...it feels like a damn drug. like, it was dangerous the stuff that i did, but...i'd do it again because it felt SO GOOD.

my goals for talking to a therapist (haven't seen one ever since my first told me i had nothing to worry about because there are people out there running naked in the streets because of bipolar) is to 1) be convinced to want to be stable again, because right now i'd LOVE to be manic again, even though the aftermath is horrible and 2) learn some skills to recognize my mania and gain the desire to actually hide myself when i'm manic so i don't do something stupid.

so, what do you think?