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Old 02-11-2009, 08:46 AM   #1
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Beat Myself To A Pulp

This past Friday, my girlfriend and her best friend decided to go to their favorite club. I do what I always do and tag along - see later for how that factors into my current anguish. I kinda have some semblance of friends or a social life but I always rather be with my girlfriend. Wait for it. So, I tag along and I am already in a somewhat dark mood with a side dish of low self-esteem. I actually got jealous that my girlfriend was paying more attention to Dawn. So what did I do? I binge drank. I had three shots, three or four beers and two cran-vodkas in less than an hour. I managed to keep my spirits up and even danced for a bit, including a lengthy stint on one of the club's elevated platforms. However, when my girlfriend asked for money to buy a water and I said I wasnt sure if I had any money left, she said that next time I shouldnt drink so many shots when theyre paid for by someone else. She had a point but I was blitzed and made an instant switch into mania. I left the club and began to wander through Newark looking for an ATM machine. Yes, Newark. I find one five blocks away and get 20 bucks. I walk all the way back just to make a silly drama queen gesture of "paying back" my girlfriend. Im promptly collected for the return home. I make a few comments in the car. When we get back, instead of me crashing with my girlfriend as planned, Dawn is taking my place and Im given a kiss goodnight, left in the back seat of my girlfriend's car. I go ballistic with loads of anger and tears. She doesnt budge. I manage to move to the front seat of my own car but I get more belligerent. I really am frothing at the mouth and hurling obscenities. I wait til Im somewhat sober and drive home. I live with my parents. They thought I was going to be out. So I had to wake them up to open locks. This is 3:30 in the morning. By 4:30 my gf has asked me to come back. But I think she wanted to not face what Id done. Because Id done it before. Now Ill retrace my steps and fill in my blame, if you havent already done so yourself.

I need to have my life and she needs to have hers. I always knew this and felt that way but I dont know what Ive lost sight of that. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. She has a daughter to protect and keep in mind. Though I swear I would never expose a kid to my behavior, it's still a valid concern. When she wants to hang with her friend, I need to find something else to do. I have to give her space overall. But it just so happens that due to this being my worst episode, I currently have no choice but to give her space. She has said some reassuring things that are keeping me going but Im still bracing myself for the worst. If she doesnt come back, I could end up in the hospital. I dont have a coping strategy for this.

Ive always been able to gloss over my negative symptons because I compare myself to those of us who self-harm, commit suicide or self-medicate. Ive never done any of those things with the exception of drinking and even there, Ive written off my drinking as the exception to the rule. But it doesnt take any more than one night of abuse to **** everything up. I have to prioritize my health. I could have died of alcohol poisoning. I was Alison's hero. She loved me unconditionally. She talks freely of a long future. But when I did what I did, I cast a dark shadow over reality. And reality carries as much weight as the internal stuff. She may love me but everyone has their limits. Have I reached hers?

To close, here's what has spilled out of me today as I try to cope until hearing from her. Enjoy:

Praying for a break.
Staying away from my love
Gazing at the phone
Opening, staring, imagining
The buzz, the little yellow envelope
Even now she could be deciding
She's better off without me
While me, I feel like Ive swallowed
A black hole, with teeth
Chased with a pint of acid
I've beaten myself to a pulp
Each breath chained to a concrete block
And I can only spare so much oxygen
I cant be sure of any reward
Should she choose to keep me,
What condition will I be in?

She told me not to worry.
Not worry cos theres nothing to worry about?
Or not worry because she wants to make me feel better.

 
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Old 02-14-2009, 09:02 PM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

First of all and I'm sorry but I have to ask, what kind of woman who supposedly loves you lets you leave in a care just so she can spend some alone time with her girlfriend??? Am I the only one who sees thies as problem?

Secod, which of you are BiPolar, realize you have self - hard issues, but that doesn't necessarily mean BiPolar. If you two have a chance as a long and lasting relationship you'll need to try the work out these issues such as with a good couples counselor who deals with BiPolar and Sel Iinjuru. Tis would be your best bet I think.''


I

 
Old 02-14-2009, 09:15 PM   #3
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Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

im the bipolar one. diagnosed 13 years ago. we've come around a corner on a lot of matters tied to my behavior that night. i had a manic episode. i drank enough to kill myself. i am no longer drinking. but thanks for replying. i never seem to get responses on message boards and sometimes I just need to write somewhere I might get a response.

 
Old 02-14-2009, 09:46 PM   #4
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

Nah, we're not the non-responsive type of group.

So your wif has BP and you have Anger issues, not a great combo. I've had BP since 1990, and my BiPolar is BP with Sever Suicidal De[ression. I've had 6 suicide attempsti. I also have OCD, PTSD, and suffer from Sefl Injury/Self Harm, so life is definitey not fun nor easy!

I am also familiar with drinking, my husband whom I've been seperated from since Ocborber is an alcholic who was verbally and physicaly abusive. He had been doiong better in those regrards but last week came over drunk and beat me up prettf goom. So the Physicl Aubuse lives again

I guess the best advice I can give you is make sure your girlfrien has plenty of space for when she cycles back and forth between mania and depression. It's not easy incredibly not so. It inquires a great deal of depression and love.

And myy only advice to you is to keep on not driking so she'll learn to trush that part of you, and it will probably take a while.

My best to both of you, and if you need to talk more, I'm aroj,.;;d.

 
Old 02-15-2009, 08:11 PM   #5
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Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

my heart goes out to you. you can certainly use some peace. it's me that has bipolar disorder. my girlfriend is fine. but i certainly appreciate your finding it in you to respond to another with all you have on your plate.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 12:27 PM   #6
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tiny feet HB User
Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

Hey there mrwilkey.
but you know, you haven't danced so badly, Hafiz would say.
your human after all, and if she knows of your condition, then she ought to have known better, especially if you are getting married. It takes a lot of loving care and support to deal with BP. hope you work it out

Last edited by tiny feet; 02-17-2009 at 12:54 PM.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 03:14 PM   #7
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Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

thanks. we're not engaged just yet. she's kind of hinging any consideration of serious future commitment i.e. living together or more, on whether or not she can handle my BP around her daughter. we'll just have to see.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 03:57 PM   #8
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Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

in the meantime how are you coping apart from the meds?

 
Old 02-17-2009, 08:56 PM   #9
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Re: Beat Myself To A Pulp

Better than expected. I once was convinced that Id end up in the hospital if she left me. But Im just moving at a slow and steady pace, just occupying myself with the mundane. Of course, Ive got my cellphone in my lap in case it vibrates and I dont hear it. Oh, and every time someone calls or texts and its NOT her, I get ****** at the caller. But Im normally a needy person, I guess. And tonight marks three days of me making no contact, giving space. Not bad for me. I pray it works.

 
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