This past Friday, my girlfriend and her best friend decided to go to their favorite club. I do what I always do and tag along - see later for how that factors into my current anguish. I kinda have some semblance of friends or a social life but I always rather be with my girlfriend. Wait for it. So, I tag along and I am already in a somewhat dark mood with a side dish of low self-esteem. I actually got jealous that my girlfriend was paying more attention to Dawn. So what did I do? I binge drank. I had three shots, three or four beers and two cran-vodkas in less than an hour. I managed to keep my spirits up and even danced for a bit, including a lengthy stint on one of the club's elevated platforms. However, when my girlfriend asked for money to buy a water and I said I wasnt sure if I had any money left, she said that next time I shouldnt drink so many shots when theyre paid for by someone else. She had a point but I was blitzed and made an instant switch into mania. I left the club and began to wander through Newark looking for an ATM machine. Yes, Newark. I find one five blocks away and get 20 bucks. I walk all the way back just to make a silly drama queen gesture of "paying back" my girlfriend. Im promptly collected for the return home. I make a few comments in the car. When we get back, instead of me crashing with my girlfriend as planned, Dawn is taking my place and Im given a kiss goodnight, left in the back seat of my girlfriend's car. I go ballistic with loads of anger and tears. She doesnt budge. I manage to move to the front seat of my own car but I get more belligerent. I really am frothing at the mouth and hurling obscenities. I wait til Im somewhat sober and drive home. I live with my parents. They thought I was going to be out. So I had to wake them up to open locks. This is 3:30 in the morning. By 4:30 my gf has asked me to come back. But I think she wanted to not face what Id done. Because Id done it before. Now Ill retrace my steps and fill in my blame, if you havent already done so yourself.
I need to have my life and she needs to have hers. I always knew this and felt that way but I dont know what Ive lost sight of that. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. She has a daughter to protect and keep in mind. Though I swear I would never expose a kid to my behavior, it's still a valid concern. When she wants to hang with her friend, I need to find something else to do. I have to give her space overall. But it just so happens that due to this being my worst episode, I currently have no choice but to give her space. She has said some reassuring things that are keeping me going but Im still bracing myself for the worst. If she doesnt come back, I could end up in the hospital. I dont have a coping strategy for this.
Ive always been able to gloss over my negative symptons because I compare myself to those of us who self-harm, commit suicide or self-medicate. Ive never done any of those things with the exception of drinking and even there, Ive written off my drinking as the exception to the rule. But it doesnt take any more than one night of abuse to **** everything up. I have to prioritize my health. I could have died of alcohol poisoning. I was Alison's hero. She loved me unconditionally. She talks freely of a long future. But when I did what I did, I cast a dark shadow over reality. And reality carries as much weight as the internal stuff. She may love me but everyone has their limits. Have I reached hers?
To close, here's what has spilled out of me today as I try to cope until hearing from her. Enjoy:
Praying for a break.
Staying away from my love
Gazing at the phone
Opening, staring, imagining
The buzz, the little yellow envelope
Even now she could be deciding
She's better off without me
While me, I feel like Ive swallowed
A black hole, with teeth
Chased with a pint of acid
I've beaten myself to a pulp
Each breath chained to a concrete block
And I can only spare so much oxygen
I cant be sure of any reward
Should she choose to keep me,
What condition will I be in?
She told me not to worry.
Not worry cos theres nothing to worry about?
Or not worry because she wants to make me feel better.