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Old 02-16-2009, 07:20 PM   #16
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Re: I don't know hot to handle this anymore...help.

Kat,

The use of emoticons would definitely help me out. Thank! ...And yes, being able to type and type and type while in a mixed state also helped. LOL! By the way, I'm doing better now. I had problems with racing thoughts earlier, but they are gone for the most part right now. The pdoc saw me earlier and said, "You're smiling" and patted me on the back. I don't know what I smiled about, but it felt good having him notice a positive change in my mood. I'm still feeling manic and a little depressed, but it's an improvement over this morning. The pdoc wants to give me 100mg of Lamictal for my depression if it doesn't improve tomorrow. My Depakote will stay the same at 2000mg since I can't go any higher than that. The Geodon will also remain at 80mg while Trazodone will be 100mg for when I'm level and 300mg for when I'm manic or can't sleep. By the way, the Lamictal is only temporary while I'm IP unless we start to notice a significant change in my moods.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-16-2009, 08:13 PM   #17
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Re: I don't know hot to handle this anymore...help.

Well you do sound like things are going better, although just between you and I, I bet that we could win, " the Most Complicated and Most Switched Meds" award on the Board! Whatdaya think?

I'm really nervous about seeing my pdoc tomorrow, I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me that he's going to be on the tdocs side, they're all against me, they're in it together...*sigh* I just keep fighting like the dickens.

You know the IP's are when I hate being regulated to these boards the most. When I'm IP my best friend would come and stay with me from the time visiting hours opened until the evening when they kicked her out. David hardly made it 2 days for maybe an 1 each day, and spent most of that time yelling at me. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand when your scared and hug you when you need it, and tell you jokes to make you left, and smuggle in good food for you! I hate to think of one of my friends being in that place by herself. Pleae know hon that when you are their, I am thinking of you constantly day and night, hoping that you are getting treated well and that people are being nice and compassionate and understanding to you.

kat

 
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Old 02-17-2009, 01:16 AM   #18
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Re: I don't know hot to handle this anymore...help.

Kat,

How sweet of you! After reading your post, I started tearing up and I also laughed at your comment about meds. I really do feel as if I've been on the med merry-go-round as of late and all I want to do is get off. Come to think of it, can I get off the bipolar and PTSD merry-go-round too??? I have a telephone session with my tdoc tomorrow at which time I will have to tell him that I'm currently in a mixed state. I hope he doesn't ask me why because I don't have an answer for him. The attending pdoc says that the reason this happened was because my moods have been so out of whack over the past 2 weeks and when someone goes through the gammut of depressive episodes, psychotic episodes, manic episodes into psychotic depression over to mixed episodes, it can take its toll. The hospital is treating me very, very well. I can't say enough good things about the staff. Last night I wasn't feeling so well and ended up getting sick in my room after eating lunch with a protein. I was experiencing racing thoughts at the time and not eating. I was so embarrassed and scared to go anywhere for fear that if I moved, I would only end up getting sick again. Nothing like that has ever happened to me -- not even in elementary school -- so I was really, really embarrassed, but the nurse was very nice about the whole thing and said it was okay. Guess what? The hospital is giving my sister permission to bring my guide dog tomorrow. I can't wait! I miss my baby girl so much! I hope your pdoc appointment today goes well. Please keep me posted on how it goes In the meantime I will keep my fingers crossed that he understands your feelings and will take them into consideration. Hugs!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-17-2009, 10:15 PM   #19
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Dreams,

That will be great, I know how much you will love having your dog with you. Man that is super, that will make you feel tons better in itself! I'm glad everyone there is treating you well so I don't have to pull out a can of whoop *** and come up there!

My pdoc appt. went okay, we talked about the deal with my tdoc and having to go to DBT group and the fact that my Self Harm as gotten to such a serious problem and I've been feeling suicidal more often than not these days. So of course he agrees that I should go, actually he's been after me to go to a DBT group for the last 6 months or so. But he agreed it could have been done in a different way since I have some major abandonement/trust/punishment issues. So he also agrees it's going to be a rough 6 weeks or so as my tdoc and I work trough my anger "or as he said, "freakin pis****off" issues". LOL Did I ever tell you my pdoc doesn't mince words? Because the group doesn't start until then so I imagine therapy will be a little wierd each week while we work through all of the hurt/anger/negative feelings. But he said he'd be there if I need anything just to call him, plus I still see him every 2 weeks so it's not like he's going anywhere. He did increase my Abilify and lowered the Cymbalta to when I go back we should be almost completely off the Cymbalta. Well all my beddy bye meds are kicking in and I"m tired so I'll yak at ya later. I hope you continue to do well and you get to come home soon! That's what I'll keep hoping for, that and the fact that they let your dog come for a visit

Kat

 
Old 02-18-2009, 12:14 AM   #20
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Kat,

I'm glad your pdoc appointment went well. I'm also glad that he reassured you that he will be there whenever you need him. That's good especially if you encounter some difficulties or rough patches along the way during your T sessions before the DBT group begins.

I had a phone conversation with my tdoc today. We discussed my having a written contract for whenever I'm feeling suicidal or want to self-harm. He said the decision to have one was completely up to me, but I agreed because I thought it would be a good decision based on the fact that it's concrete and I have a written reminder of the fact someone cares about my well-being. I'm afraid he did get a little short with me (and I with him) when I misinterpreted something he said. My response was, "Don't get mad at me" to which he said, "I'm not getting mad at you..." I tend to overreact whenever I'm manic or hypomanic (and at the present time I'm hypomanic). He also wasn't pleased when I told him I hadn't slept for 5 days prior to my manic episode. I realize that was wrong and I'm the one who is responsible for my manic episode, but you know what? Sometimes I want to stay up late like everyone else and I think I should be allowed that right. I'm sick and tired of having to constantly think about how I feel, what I eat, what I say and what I do. I also worry every time I see my pdoc and tdoc what they're going to think if I tell him I've been manic or depressed. I know they both have told me that my bipolar is considered "severe," but my tdoc always asks me whether or not I'm taking my meds and if truth be told, that really irritates me. First of all, if I'm not taking my meds, having him asking me if I am isn't going to change anything and second, he has told me that rapid cycling and mood swings can happen even on meds, so what's the difference? Besides, I could always lie (although I never do because I know that doesn't accomplish anything). The only way my pdoc could find out that I wasn't taking my meds was if I went to the ER and they gave me a blood test to determine my Depakote level. I don't know. I'm feeling really irritated by alot of things tonight and some of it just doesn't make any sense to me. This demonic disease doesn't make any sense to me. Sometimes I love having bipolar (i.e. heightened creativity, productivity, great ideas, high energy, extreme happiness) and sometimes I hate it (i.e. rapid cycling, anger/irritability, difficulty concentrating, auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoa -- as far as my bipolar is concerned). I guess you could say I have a love/hate relationship with bipolar.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-18-2009, 09:48 AM   #21
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Hey GF I am right there with you! I think that is why I'm having parly such a hardtime with this DBT Group, because it's just one more thing that my tdoc and pdoc are MAKING me do. Eat this, take that, do this, don't drink that. I get sick of it too. And I like you never lie. With the exception of suicide attemps and self harm I am totally compliant...but ummm...hey....BP w/
Severe Suicidal Depression.

Because of the Chronic Pain, for which I am on a Pain Contract, I take hard narcotics everyday, Oxycontin and Percocet. But every damn time I see my pdoc he asks me, "So are you still taking the opiods? Have you cut the dosage any? How's your pain level? SERIOUSLY, how can you still be in pain when you're taking that many opiods????" I swear I want to deck him, and I give him copies of every random drug screen that my pain mgmt doc that which is always fine, because i'm what? FREAKIN COMPLIANT!!

So yeah I get where you're coming from and I hate it too, actually for me it's just hate, I don't get the manic part to enjoy, just the depressed wish I could dissapear part. My pdoc asked me yesterday if I was alone all weekend, because I'm not supposed to be since the severe SI thingy last week, well I said yep I was and he asked what I did, and I said I laid in bed and tried to dissapear, and he asked if I used any substances to help with that, and I said what besides the million you have me on? (I was kind of in b**** by then) So he looks at me and says, well what about the other meds you have, and I finally just said yes I laid in bed and took percocet every 4 hours so I'd just stay in my haze and dissapear. So of course he asked, "so how did wrapping yourself in that narcotic blanket work for you?" I said at least I told you the truth. But I'd love to just be able to lie for once and say whatever the hell I wanted to. Or do whatever, not take my meds, drink a ton of liquer, oops I'm allergic to that...uuummm...caffeine, drink a ton of caffeine, you know just do whatever the hell I want without some doctor telling me what to do and how to do it.

Maybe we can form a club, "The I don't have to do what Dr.'s tell me to Club!" Here's our mascot

Keep hanging on Dreams, and we'll get through this demon disease together, okay?

Kat

 
Old 02-18-2009, 03:05 PM   #22
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Kat,

I'd love to join that club. In fact, can I be co-leader???

Wow. Your pdoc sure doesn't mince words. Mine is a little more gentle, but then again, I've only seen him 4 times and haven't really gotten into any discussions where I've been irritated or annoyed. However, my tdoc and I have. I was really surprised by the tone he took with me when he said, "I'm not mad..." He sounded short which immediately made me feel uncomfortable because it brought me back to the emotional abuse I suffered because of my parents. I don't like it when people get mad/annoyed/irritated with me because I don't handle it well. In fact, although I was hypomanic, I was about to cry and it took everything inside of me not to. Now I'm coming down from my hypomania and am beginning to miss my mania. This always happens when I start to level out. The beginning of the mania is wonderful, the middle and endings aren't and the period of time where I start to feel normal again makes me feel uneasy. I don't like that feeling because it's so different from the mania I felt. One thing I can definitely say though is (and I hope no one will be offended when I say this because I don't mean to offend) thank goodness I don't have mixed episodes. 95% of my bipolar falls on the manic side while 5% falls on the depressive side except during the winter when it's anybody's guess as to how I'm going to feel. Someone sent me the funniest e-mail today. It was a purple ribbon (for bipolar awareness) that said "Bipolar Disorder...The Roller Coaster Ride from H*ll." I couldn't have said it better myself. LOL.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-18-2009, 03:39 PM   #23
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Dreams,

Of course you can be "Co-Leader" I'd want no other on my team. Let's see how do I explain my pdoc....he's never "mad" or "angry" when he's talking to me. He's just kind of "in your face" but in a "yeah, tell me another one" way. The one thing I like about him, and this may sound wierd, is that I can't get anything past him, and he tells it like it is. But he's pretty easy going and good natured. *lol* And the fact that he's really good looking doesn't make it too hard to sit through sessions!

Honestly I don't think I could take the manic phases all the time. That one time a while back when I was manic from the meds it felt bad at the beginning, but then I started liking the energy in the middle, but then at the end felt totally out of control and didn't like it at all! Not that I can say that I like being depressed all the time....hmmm....I guess I choose NEITHER.


It's interesting because when I saw my tdoc today, and of course was Pis*** at her for the whole forcing me to do the DBT thing, so we're dealing with that, she was like, "Dr. Worsham told me this" and "Dr. Worsham told me you said that." It's like Damn, you too got together quick to go over notes between appointments.

Kat

 
Old 02-18-2009, 05:24 PM   #24
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Kat,

My tdoc and pdoc don't consult with one another, so that has never happened to me. I don't want my tdoc or pdoc to talk to each other because I feel that therapy should be kept completely separate from my psychiatry appointments. If I'm struggling with depression, am manic or rapid cycling, I'll let him know.

My pdoc has a wonderful sense of humor. I'll never forget my first appointment when I admitted to not taking my meds for a week after being manic and he said to me, "Shame, shame" but quickly chuckled and said that he understood why I did it -- and that alot of people with bipolar don't take their meds when they're manic.

I've never been yelled at by any pdoc I've ever had over the past 19 years. However, when my tdoc became short with me yesterday, that was the first time I felt uncomfortable and as if I was back to being 7 years old again. Having said that, he is a really good tdoc and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Both my pdoc and tdoc are true gems.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-18-2009, 07:59 PM   #25
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Hello, kat, neondreams,

Don't I get into the club, too? I will build us a bp tree house.

Kat, your doc is being disrespectful to you. I am assuming he does not prescribe the pain meds? - in any case, he has no business saying those things.

Maybe think about shiffting to someone else? People without chronic physical illness or pain don't get it. I've even had impacted teeth, been excruciating pain, and had to beat on the dentist until he gave me pain relief.

Neondreams - how you doing?'

Sorry I haven't been around - been really sick in bed since last Friday. Drat, I missed so many things important to me this week.

Take care, you guys,

Seaturtle

 
Old 02-18-2009, 09:19 PM   #26
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Seaturtle,

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well, but am glad you were able to post tonight.

I'm actually doing quite well. I've finally come down from my hypomania and am now feeling level. I'm hoping this will continue and that I won't spiral back up into mania or drop back down into depression.

It seems that the trick for me was getting put on an anti-depressant as well as being given a high enough dosage of sleep med so that I could sleep a full 8 hours whenever I'm manic or can't sleep.

The past 2 weeks have been very difficult for me bipolar-wise, but I'm glad everything is finally returning back to "normal."

By the way, I'm thinking aboout asking my tdoc if we can work on CBT or DBT to help address my rapid cycling. I get too easily wound up by things I hear, read, etc. and I really need to find some way to control my anger, irritability and depression. The licensed professional counselor that I've known for a long time doesn't think T can help since rapid cycling is a biological response, but I'm going to give it a try just the same. After all, I have nothing to lose.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-18-2009, 09:51 PM   #27
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Seaturtle,

Glad you are back on your feet and feeling better. Yes you can be co-co-leader of the club.

I don't think I got is across how my pdoc is, but he's not disrepectful, he really is a great doc and he does do my meds. My case is very difficult, due to the med resistant suicide depression and the SI/SJ, plus the Chronic Pain issues. But he's never disrespectful, he can be very companssionate. I guess those kinds of answers come out when I'm beating around the bush and trying to avoid a straight answer, because he always Knows when that is happening.

I'm really glad to are feeling better we missed you around here.

Kat

 
Old 02-18-2009, 10:00 PM   #28
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Dreams,

My pdoc and tdoc have worked "together" on my case since day 1. It's such a complicated case because of the med resistant depression, the switching meds all the time, the severity of the SI/SH and suicidalt tendencies. And soon I'll have the DBT group to throw in the mix and they meet with my tdoc once a month.

I read your post to Seatutle about asking your tdoc about using one on one DBT, would you like the name of the WorkBook that my tdoc and I were using before it was dictated that i have to go to group DBT?

I swear whoever invented thin mint girl scout cookies should be severely punished!

kat

 
Old 02-19-2009, 12:58 AM   #29
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Kat,

Did you say thin mint cookies? I'm dying for chocolate here. LOL!

Yes, if you could give me the name of that workbook, I would appreciate it. Perhaps my tdoc can use it during our sessions.

The licensed professional counselor I've known doesn't think DBT or CBT will help address my rapid cycling, but I know that T helps alot of people with bipolar. Evidence of that is IP and partial hospitalization.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-19-2009, 08:03 AM   #30
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Re: I don't know how to handle this anymore... help.

Can I interrupt to ask what DBT is?

 
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