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Old 02-15-2009, 11:07 PM   #1
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Bored.

Hey there. I'm really, really bored. And my life ******* sucks, haha. I feel I have lots of energy right now. I don't know, I guess I wanna cut. And I feel like hurting someone too. I don't know what I want. Oh, I just found out the guy I like has a ******* girlfriend. So ******* boring. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I can't sleep. I should be sleeping, since I have to get up really early to go to school tomorrow. And then I'm falling asleep all the time at school. Ridiculous, I know. Ever feel like you rather kill yourself than face or see people? I feel like that right now. I'm just ******* tired. I have to see my psychiatrist this week. That means I'll be lying and telling him I feel just great. And I turn 21 on saturday. ******* great. I should be dead. Mistakes like me shouldn't exist and walk around like people, haha. Sorry for this. Whatever.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 01:49 AM   #2
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Re: Bored.

It sounds like you're either depressed or manic. If you're feeling suicidal, you need to call 911 or go to the ER.

In regards to your appointment with your psychiatrist, I would be completely honest with him about the way you feel. After all, if you don't tell him how you've been feeling, how can he help you? You may need your meds tweaked.

I can relate to feeling suicidal. I experienced suicidal depression 2 days ago and wanted to k*ll myself. I'm currently inpatient and the nurse told me this morning that all I did was tell the ER staff how much I wanted to die and "end it all." My meds have been increased and now I'm feeling alot better.

I hope you'll write back and let us know how you're doing. I'm concerned by the tone of your post and hope that you're okay.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
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Old 02-16-2009, 05:09 PM   #3
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Re: Bored.

I cut yesterday. That made me feel really good. I was a total ******* to one of my teachers. And the thing is that he's my favorite teacher of all my life. And he's the nicest person you'll ever met. Really. But I just wanted him to feel bad or something. And I was angry at my best "friend" in school for no reason. And I said very hurtful things to another "friend" for no reason too. I'm just sick of everybody. I don't know why. A few hours ago I was moving a lot and stomping on the ground and just couldn't stay in one place. Right now I feel so ******* tired. And I feel so ******* sad. I can't stand it. I feel like crying. I'm just so ******* sad.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 07:31 PM   #4
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Re: Bored.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but right now it sounds as if you're in a mixed state. You're not alone. So am I. Earlier this morning I felt extremely manic, had racing thoughts and suicidal depression. Now I feel calmer because I was given different meds (although I don't know what they were -- I really didn't care). I would definitely let your psychiatrist know how you're feeling as soon as possible. You don't want your current state to worsen and turn into mania. By the way, I feel the same when I rapid cycle and become upset at people. I like to make them angry so that they feel the same hurt and pain that I do. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. It's the way I feel sometimes.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-16-2009, 07:34 PM   #5
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Re: Bored.

I was reading this board to try and find some answers, (I think my son is bipolar) and after reading your post, I registered, to say to you, PLEASE CALL SOMEONE. A friend, your doctor, your teacher or a hotline. You sound a lot like my son who I am about to try and convince needs to see a doctor, as soon as he comes down from his manic state. There is no talking to him now. You are here so are looking for help and that's great. I am worried about you. Are you on medication? Please call someone and above all, see your doctor and BE HONEST. There is help.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 08:46 PM   #6
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katlin09 HB User
Re: Bored.

Okay dude sound like some of the other posts have a point and perhaps you should go to the ER or a Crisis Clinic. If you choose not to that is your perogative.

I know this is going to sound so totally cliche, but I trully know what you are going through. I am BiPolar with Med Resistant Suidical Depression. I have had 6 suicidal attempst in 10 years and I also suffer from self injury/self harm. As a matter effect on Wednesday I was at the Urgent /clinic center myself getting 10 stitches in both arms from cutting myself 2 deep.

I know how hard it can be to ask for help, albeit from a friend, family member or your pdoc. But if you don't go in and tell your pdoc the truth then definitely cannot help you, it's just a waste of your time and money. Please go in and level with your pdoc. Trust me just because you tell him/her that you are suicidal they won't seend the littel men in white coates to take you away. It takes more than that.

If you don't go to the ER, then you need to start calming down, slowing your breathing, taking small breaths one after another, take it 30 minutes at a time, then an hour at a time, etc. Nobody expects you to be "well" immdiately. And if they do, that's their hang up not yours, okay?

Keep talking with us okay and let you know how everyting is going and how your doing. I also suffer from Chronic Pain and have to take a high does of Pain Narcotics along with the 8 different BP meds so sometimes its like they're at war with each other, but I do te best I can. And that's all you have to do is your best. Pick out one really good friend that you could call night or day so that if you were to cut yourself you can call them and they can help you talk yourself out of it. Just try okay?

Stay well and don't givve up, yes it is a horrible disease, but hey if we can beat it then screws it we're superheros'!!!

My best of thoughts to you.

Kat

 
Old 02-16-2009, 09:08 PM   #7
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Re: Bored.

Hey. So, thanks for your replies. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don't. I have no one. And even if I did, who the **** am I to bother someone else with my stupid ****? No one really gives a **** about me. And I guess I can't blame them. I'm all alone. I have no REAL friends.

It would be so much easier if I died. Everyone would be so much better off. Plus, I'm a total failure. It feels good when my clothes rub against my cuts. That's the only good thing right now. My father never gets tired of yelling at me and treating me like ****, and that makes wanna cut again. Again, thanks a lot for your replies.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 09:17 PM   #8
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katlin09 HB User
Re: Bored.

well you always have us, although if you used nicer language it'd be easier to read then all those asterisks.

Don's hesistage to talk to us when you need to okay? So what's your decision on your pdoc?

 
Old 02-17-2009, 01:05 AM   #9
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: Bored.

Hello again,

I really do hope that you choose to call 911 or a crisis hotline . It sounds like you need it and you need it desperately. We are always here to listen, but there is only so much we can do from a computer keyboard except to encourage you to seek help. I know what you're going through in regards to self-harm. Although I don't cut, I do take sharp objects like tacks and puncture my skin. I also scratch myself so that I bleed and punch myself in the stomach and on other parts of my body including my head. According to my psychiatrist and therapist my bipolar is considered "severe" due to the fact that I rapid cycle (my moods change on an hourly basis and sometimes minute to minute), hallucinate (hear voices -- I've heard voices for the past 17 years), have delusions and 7 different types of paranoia. I've been paranoid for the past 10 years but never sought treatment until I had my first manic/psychotic episode 3 years ago. Please don't give up because life is worth living and whether you believe it or not, there are people who would be hurt if you ever decided to harm yourself. I sincerely hope that you decide to get help because you can't go through this alone. I sought help 3 days ago and I'm so glad I did.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-17-2009, 01:38 AM   #10
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Re: Bored.

Hi. Well, I know maybe I should seek some serious help, but I can't. I can't let my parents know I have all these issues, I can't trust anyone, I can't just drop everything to seek help. I would feel very selfish or something, I just can't. You know what I mean? I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't want any help at all. It's like I feel like if I can't solve this on my own, I don't deserve any help. Please don't get mad at me or anything. And I just CAN'T TRUST. I'm sorry, I know I'm a waste of your time. Right now I feel a little better though. We'll see how things are by the time I go to bed and when I wake up tomorrow. Thank you.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 07:24 AM   #11
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Re: Bored.

You DO deserve help and that's what psychiatrists and therapists are there for. I'm glad you're feeling a little better now, but I still hope that you call 911 or a crisis line. Thinking of you...
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-17-2009, 10:18 AM   #12
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wilkdawg HB User
Re: Bored.

Hey,

The first thing they tried to get through my head when I was first sent to an inpatient facility was the notion of boundaries. In the interest of health and self-preservation, there is no such thing as selfish. There is no call for comparison to others. If your health or your life is at stake, you worry about yourself and do what you have to do. Trust me, the masses out there dont need to be told that. Only "crazy" folks like us worry about others. The woman I intended to marry has left me. There really is no frame of mind I can find that will solve the problem. So I just carry on. I walk, I breathe, I eat. I work. Will this carry me far? No but it will have to do for the moment.

Your life is yours to do with as you wish. Be random. Counter the self-destruction with...anything, really. Go somewhere. Shave your head. Paint a picture. Break something. Eat your favorite food.

Another trick? Take ANY pleasure and blow it out of proportion. Taking a **** or a dump tend to feel good. Take solace in that. Sound sick? Still better than harming yourself. Farts feel good too.

Weird advice Im sure. But it gets me by.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 03:56 PM   #13
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ncny HB User
Re: Bored.

Hey there
Despite what you think now, you CAN just drop everything and get help. The alternative is awful for everyone, but the worst for you. Just as you impact all the lives you touch now in a negative way (when you are raging, banging around, cursing, verbally attacking people) seeking help will allow those who are afraid of your outbursts etc, to be more willing to listen and be there for you. You may feel you have no friends but there are people out there who are baffled by your behavior and want to help. My bet is with your teacher. I know many professors/teachers who would be there in a heartbeat if the student came to them. He probably suspects something and is looking for a sign from you.It's hard to "interfere" you may lash out. But someone like that is better than family sometimes, certainly better than your dad who would be judgmental and feel guilty seeing as you do not have a good relationship with him. Please make up your mind to get help and just do it. You will be so relieved because the burden will be off you. I have been thinking of you since I first read your post and willing you only good things. Please let us know and post. You are not alone.

 
Old 02-17-2009, 07:12 PM   #14
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Re: Bored.

Hey. Thanks a lot to all of you. And I'm sorry some of you are going through rough times. I don't feel that depressed or angry right now. Today has been a relatively "good" day. I'm very, very tired though. I wish I could sleep. Some things are making me sad right now so I try not to think of them, being that today hasn't been a really bad day, as I just said

Like that guy. I see him almost every day. I saw him today. I see him and I remember he doesn't know who I am, and I remember he has a girlfriend and it just (and please excuse the language) breaks my heart. It really does. I'm not exaggerating. I actually hurts. And I feel so stupid. And I can't tell anyone, being that he's a dude. I don't understand, I never really liked a guy before. And then there's something else. Last saturday I think, I told my best "friend" form school about my suicide attempt last september. And he didn't care at all. I mean, of course I wasn't expecting him to forget about everything in his life and give me his full attention, or anything like that, but he just didn't care at all. I really don't know why I told him. I guess I was just desperate and wanted someone to listen to me. So, that didn't go well at all.

About the cutting, I have the urges a little, but I won't do it, at least for today. I do try to take pleasure from the little things, but I can't. It just doesn't work.

About that teacher, he would be a good option to talk to, especially as he has battled with serious depression before, and we get along very well, but as I said I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE. I can't open up.

Another thing is that my mental illnesses make feel really, really ashamed and embarrassed. Well, that was long. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your concern. You guys rock.

 
Old 02-18-2009, 02:59 PM   #15
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Re: Bored.

Well, today I'm not feeling any good at all. Just woke up really depressed. I went to school and didn't talk to anyone the whole time I was there. I just couldn't. I want to disappear. I don't want to be. And I'm so ******* alone. I can't stand it.

 
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