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Old 02-22-2009, 07:52 PM   #1
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I really messed up...

Dreams,

I messed up big time. I've been manic for 3 days now, and when I'm panic I tend not to think about the decisions that I make. Well yesterday my soon to be ex husband asked me over to his house for dinner (which was actually dinner and sex, after 20 years of marriage to the guy I know what e means), since I was just throwing caution to the wind and whatever I said yes. Now this is the guy who beat me up 3 weeks ago. I was with my mother in law when he called, and luckily she nixed that idea. Tonight I was really thinking about the really really stupid mistake I made, that would've most likely caused me severe bodily harm from another beating from him. As I thought more and more about tonight I got more and more upset, so of course I turned to my knife, my security item, so to speak. I lost a lot of blood and am really shaky and weak feeling....I really screwed up bad. I hate this man and wish he would just drop off the face of the earth. He knew I was manic and tried to take advantage of it.


Now I can't get it out of my head that I almost made such an incredibly and dangerous mistake and then it caused me to harm myself anyway. What the hell is wrong with me, where did my internal warning system? My safety warning system, it didn't go off, I was just like sure, whatever. I would have been alone with him out in the country, no one to help me. I hate this disease, I hate this disease, I haate, I hate, I hate it.

Now it's like I want to lock myself in my room until I quit making stpid decisions.

kat
kat

Last edited by katlin09; 02-22-2009 at 07:54 PM. Reason: forgot something

 
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:42 PM   #2
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Re: I really messed up...

Kat,

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I can relate. The same thing (impulsivity) happens to me whenever I'm manic. My ability to make decisions goes completely out the window, but from what my pdoc told me, this is one of the hallmark signs of mania. I would suggest that you keep your cell phone in a lockbox to prevent yourself from making any calls to your soon-to-be ex. I think this would be the safest bet so that you don't have to worry about putting yourself in danger and being harmed. Whenever I'm manic, I lock my cell phone away just because I know that if I don't, I end up calling everyone at ridiculous hours of the night. When I'm manic I love to talk and will talk to anyone that will listen. I would call your pdoc in the morning to let him know that you've been manic for 3 days. I know it feels good right now and you probably don't want to call him, but mania can become worse and I would hate to have something happen to you because of it. ((((((Kat)))))) P.S. I don't blame you for what happened with your SH. I did the same thing (only in my case I didn't use a knife -- I use sharp objects like tacks) and couldn't stop myself. I have scratches all over my body and know that the next time I go to the ER, I'm going to have some explaining to do.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 02-22-2009 at 08:43 PM.

 
Old 02-22-2009, 09:08 PM   #3
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Re: I really messed up...

kat,

At least you didn't go, and that's a plus. I am sorry you felt so bad that you turned to SI.
Please go to the ER. If you're weak from loss of blood, I think you need medical attention.
As neon says, call your doc tomorrow and explain what happened. You can discuss a safety plan, too, and lay one out on paper - warning signs, what to do (call doc immediately, call a friend and get out of reach of the knives, or just don't have any around you can hurt yourself with).

Mary Ann Copeland's book on depression and bp has some excellent plans and ways to get past these episodes. Perhaps you could get it and follow that.

I really am concerned about you. I'm afraid that you will inadvertently go too far, and we need you around.Of course there is no blame - it's not a question of a moral wrong you've committed or anything. As you say, it's your safety. But what an unsafe safety. Please take care of yourself.

Lots of hugs,
Seaturtle

 
Old 02-22-2009, 10:12 PM   #4
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Re: I really messed up...

Seaturtle,

I just wanted to say that you've been missed here on the boards. How are you doing?
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-23-2009, 03:10 AM   #5
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Re: I really messed up...

kat

don't beat yourself up. we all lose the ability to make decisions that make sense! my brother used to say to me 'is he paying you rent to be in your head?' good for you that you didn't actually go through with it and that your mother in law gave help.

 
Old 02-23-2009, 07:53 PM   #6
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Re: I really messed up...

Well I thought my life couldn't get any worse, but as usual I was stupid, stupid, stupidly wrong. On top of everything else...I got fired this morning, out of the blue, didn't have a clue it was coming. My boss said that I had been too "short" with staff members lately and rude to parishiners, and everyone had to walk on eggshells around me, and I was a detriment to the office. I've never really been fired before, but I didn't realize one could be fired for being moody/grouchy? Now I'll lose my insurance in 30 days, not to mention after 2 months severance pay, there goes the income. With all my med problems finding a new job that will work with my schedule around dr. appt.'s etc., yeah right. And of course the only way to deal with it beside freaking out all day, crying, screaming, raging, was to SH extremely bad. I give up, I'm so tired of fighting my life, it's clearly not a life that's supposed to be lived, why can't anyone but me see this? There's something bad waiting around every damn corner...How Much???? How Much am I supposed to take? What I'm supposed to move back in with the alcoholic, physically abusive husband???? I just can't do this anymore, I am so damn tired of it all.

kat

 
Old 02-23-2009, 08:06 PM   #7
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Re: I really messed up...

((((((Kat))))))

I'm really sorry to hear this. Gosh, you've been through such a hard time for so long. I can see why you want to give up. If I were in your shoes, I would too. Having said that, please know so many people here care about you and don't want you to harm yourself. Perhaps going IP might be a good idea. You need a quiet environment where you can relax and process everything that has happened to you as of late. I wonder, too, if the attending pdoc could adjust your meds? It sounds to me like you're experiencing severe mania because of your irritability. You're cycling as well between mania and irritability which isn't good for your mind or your body. Please give the idea of going IP serious consideration. It might do you a world of good. Again, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. I will keep you in my thoughts hoping things improve for you. Lord knows you certainly deserve it.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 02-23-2009 at 08:08 PM.

 
Old 02-23-2009, 08:28 PM   #8
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Re: I really messed up...

Hi, kat and neondreams,

I have been down (and I do mean down!) with gastroenterisis for almost 2 weeks now. Some days, I didn't get out of bed except to....well, you can fill in the blanks).

See pdo tomorrow!

I have been thinking of you both. If I continue to feel better, I certainly will be around.

Sending hugs (and kat, my lord, your are getting it from all sides.)

Seaturtle

 
Old 02-23-2009, 08:38 PM   #9
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Re: I really messed up...

Seaturtle,

I'm glad to hear you're semi okay, Dreams and I have been very concerned about you. Give us a yell tomorrow when you get back from your pdoc.

kat

 
Old 02-23-2009, 10:42 PM   #10
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I really messed up...

I echo Kat's request. You take good care Seaturtle and post as soon as you feel able. ((((((Seaturtle))))))
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-24-2009, 08:15 PM   #11
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seaturtle HB User
Re: I really messed up...

Hi, guys,

Just returned from pdoc, Master Gardeners' class, and a doctor's appointment. As I mentioned in another post today, we're trying to reduce the Lamictal (side effects).
I am pretty much over my gastroenteritis (ugh, ugh). I couldn't eat for 5 days, so dropped a lot of weight. Now that's a medical issue because I am so thin.....and on and we go. I am taking care of that with lots of pbutter and bananas and (yay!) chocolate pudding>
It made me feel so good to have you ask after me! Thank you!

Talk to you soon,

Seaturtle

 
Old 02-24-2009, 08:17 PM   #12
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Re: I really messed up...

Hi,


I just wrote a long post, and my server finked out on me.
I'll answer more later (if I can get this one through), but I am doing much better, and moved by you asking after me.

More later, hugs,

Seaturtle

 
Old 02-25-2009, 03:37 AM   #13
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Smile Re: I really messed up...

Quote:
Originally Posted by seaturtle View Post
Hi,


I just wrote a long post, and my server finked out on me.
I'll answer more later (if I can get this one through), but I am doing much better, and moved by you asking after me.

More later, hugs,

Seaturtle
hi seaturtle,

also glad to see you back and over gastroenteritis. posted to you on other thread so wont waffle on here! take care.

 
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