I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

katlin09 · 02-28-2009, 02:09 PM

Why, what did I do to make whomever so made at me. I try to be a good person, try to help others...all for not. I feel like in the space of a week I've lost everything, even friends, or those who I thought were friends. I can't seem to find my footing, with each day comes more sadness, and sinking further and further into the black hole of depression. It's gotten to the point where even getting out of bed is too hard, and if I do, it's only to make it to the couch.

I'm so tired of fighting this life, this disease, the changing of medications, trying to find the right combinations. And now because some so-called Christian Minister decided that I was not in a good enough mood each and every day I will have to go through the whole med changing trying to find the right "cheap" cocktail all over againg. I just finally found one that worked after 2 months of changing, trying, modifying meds. I honestly don't think I have it in me to do this again. I am so, so very tired of trying to treat this disease and make my mind and body change to fit "it". What's the point? The struggle is so great, and the outcome too small.

The only thing that keeps me going is my son, and honestly that isn't even working much some days, as I know there are others who could take care of him better than I. I feel as if I let him down so much this past week, staying in my bed, ordering take out, not able to cook for him or play with him....I know he's worried about the lost job too, his teacher told me so....I'm hurting him more than helping him, and I don't mean too. I can't even be a good mother these days. My whole world has been swept out from under me and I don't know how to reclaim my footing.

Between the Depression and the SI/SH it feels as if my mental stability will never be even again. How can things change so much in the course of 1 week, how can one be blindsided so badly and ones world fall completely apart? I just don't understand why all these terrible things happen to me, one after another. There is no break in between no good things to even out the bad, just bad, constant bad after bad after bad. Why would anyone want to live this kind of life? I wish there were someone who could explain the point of this to me, but there isn't. Pdocs/Tdocs tell you to focus on the good things, the future....what if there are no good things, no future to focus on, what then?

I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm so very tired of trying to constantly figure it out. I'm tired of the constant tears, and fear and complete feelings of hopelessness, I just don't know how to make it go away any more....

CarenR · 02-28-2009, 02:35 PM

I am so sorry that things arent going well for you....... things will look better on sunday...... If I take a nap, I usually feel better...

hugs, Caren

katlin09 · 02-28-2009, 02:51 PM

Thanks, for the nice words but sundays don't hold any special meaning for me these days.

dreams in neon · 02-28-2009, 02:56 PM

Kat,

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. All I can say is that I'm so sorry you're going through this right now and am offering you a hug ((((((Kat))))) in the hopes that things improve. Lord knows you certainly deserve that more than anyone else I know who has BP does. Listen to me. You need to fight. You need to fight for your son Nick. You need to fight this with all of your might and NOT let BP win. Don't let this disease take away everything that's important to you. If you do, then BP has won. I know it's so easy for me to say, but I've been where you are in the past (I lost 4 loved ones in the span of 4 years not including my first guide dog and my hearing), so I know what it's like to experience frustration after frustration. Still, as difficult as it is, we need to keep plodding forward trying to put one foot in front of the other and make it minute by minute and if not minute by minute, second by second. There are so many people here who care about you Kat and don't want anything to happen to you.
Please try going to sleep for a few hours. I know this helps me whenever I'm feeling extremely angry/irritable or depressed. Give it a try and I bet you'll feel a little better after you wake up. Please do it for me and everyone on the board, okay? ((((((Kat))))))

katlin09 · 02-28-2009, 06:40 PM

Dreams,

I slept for a couple of hours and talked to my best friend via phone, and things seem a bit better. I still just wish I could understand all of this, but I don't think I ever will. I 'm trying to take it hour by hour and go from there I guess. I see my pdoc on Monday as you know, so hopefully he and I can make some plans. Thanks for your support my friend, as always.

I just wish my feelings could stay stable for more than an hour or so at a time..but I guess that's all part of this Demon Disease.

kat