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Old 02-28-2009, 01:09 PM   #1
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I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Why, what did I do to make whomever so made at me. I try to be a good person, try to help others...all for not. I feel like in the space of a week I've lost everything, even friends, or those who I thought were friends. I can't seem to find my footing, with each day comes more sadness, and sinking further and further into the black hole of depression. It's gotten to the point where even getting out of bed is too hard, and if I do, it's only to make it to the couch.

I'm so tired of fighting this life, this disease, the changing of medications, trying to find the right combinations. And now because some so-called Christian Minister decided that I was not in a good enough mood each and every day I will have to go through the whole med changing trying to find the right "cheap" cocktail all over againg. I just finally found one that worked after 2 months of changing, trying, modifying meds. I honestly don't think I have it in me to do this again. I am so, so very tired of trying to treat this disease and make my mind and body change to fit "it". What's the point? The struggle is so great, and the outcome too small.

The only thing that keeps me going is my son, and honestly that isn't even working much some days, as I know there are others who could take care of him better than I. I feel as if I let him down so much this past week, staying in my bed, ordering take out, not able to cook for him or play with him....I know he's worried about the lost job too, his teacher told me so....I'm hurting him more than helping him, and I don't mean too. I can't even be a good mother these days. My whole world has been swept out from under me and I don't know how to reclaim my footing.

Between the Depression and the SI/SH it feels as if my mental stability will never be even again. How can things change so much in the course of 1 week, how can one be blindsided so badly and ones world fall completely apart? I just don't understand why all these terrible things happen to me, one after another. There is no break in between no good things to even out the bad, just bad, constant bad after bad after bad. Why would anyone want to live this kind of life? I wish there were someone who could explain the point of this to me, but there isn't. Pdocs/Tdocs tell you to focus on the good things, the future....what if there are no good things, no future to focus on, what then?

I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm so very tired of trying to constantly figure it out. I'm tired of the constant tears, and fear and complete feelings of hopelessness, I just don't know how to make it go away any more....

 
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Old 02-28-2009, 01:35 PM   #2
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CarenR HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

I am so sorry that things arent going well for you....... things will look better on sunday...... If I take a nap, I usually feel better...

hugs, Caren

 
Old 02-28-2009, 01:51 PM   #3
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Thanks, for the nice words but sundays don't hold any special meaning for me these days.

 
Old 02-28-2009, 01:56 PM   #4
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. All I can say is that I'm so sorry you're going through this right now and am offering you a hug ((((((Kat))))) in the hopes that things improve. Lord knows you certainly deserve that more than anyone else I know who has BP does. Listen to me. You need to fight. You need to fight for your son Nick. You need to fight this with all of your might and NOT let BP win. Don't let this disease take away everything that's important to you. If you do, then BP has won. I know it's so easy for me to say, but I've been where you are in the past (I lost 4 loved ones in the span of 4 years not including my first guide dog and my hearing), so I know what it's like to experience frustration after frustration. Still, as difficult as it is, we need to keep plodding forward trying to put one foot in front of the other and make it minute by minute and if not minute by minute, second by second. There are so many people here who care about you Kat and don't want anything to happen to you.
Please try going to sleep for a few hours. I know this helps me whenever I'm feeling extremely angry/irritable or depressed. Give it a try and I bet you'll feel a little better after you wake up. Please do it for me and everyone on the board, okay? ((((((Kat))))))
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:40 PM   #5
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Dreams,

I slept for a couple of hours and talked to my best friend via phone, and things seem a bit better. I still just wish I could understand all of this, but I don't think I ever will. I 'm trying to take it hour by hour and go from there I guess. I see my pdoc on Monday as you know, so hopefully he and I can make some plans. Thanks for your support my friend, as always.

I just wish my feelings could stay stable for more than an hour or so at a time..but I guess that's all part of this Demon Disease.

kat

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:46 PM   #6
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

I would let your pdoc know that you're still continuing to rapid cycle. I can't remember...Are you on Lamictal because that's supposed to be a good med for rapid cyclers who are on the depressive end of BP whereas Depakote (which I take) is supposed to be good for people who are more on the manic end of BP. Boy, do I know how you feel about being stable. I've been on the message boards most of the day and have run into some pretty interesting characters, let me tell you. It never ceases to amaze me what some of these people say and recommend.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 02-28-2009, 05:58 PM   #7
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Dreams,

Lamictal I believe is supposed to be a mood stabilizer for us depressed folk. My cycling is due to the fact that I'm weaning off of Cymbalta, that's what started it last time, when I was going on Cymbalta. God I hate these damn meds and what they do to me! I should be completely off of it by next week, I think I have 2 doses left to take, thank god.

I'm just not sure the Lamictal does anything for me anymore, so changing to Lithium probably won't be a bad deal. I hear you about the characters, I think we're referring to the same one, and that one is starting to tick me off.

kat

 
Old 02-28-2009, 07:48 PM   #8
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

I hear you and yes, we are talking about the same character. That character almost got underneath my skin, but thanks to my Clonazepam, they didn't have a chance. So there. LOL.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-01-2009, 10:32 AM   #9
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Dreams,

Your such a nut sometimes, and I love you for that, you're one of the few that can actually make me smile.


kat

 
Old 03-01-2009, 01:27 PM   #10
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

What can I say? My "craziness" is something I was born with. LOL!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-01-2009, 03:02 PM   #11
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Dreams,

See that's my problem I need morre craziness and less suicdal ideations, how do I get that???? I've asked my pdoc about that magic want repeatedly but he just keeps saying he lost his and hasn't been able to find it!

My clonazapem must have kicked in 'cuz i'm not feeling quite so bad anymore.

kat

 
Old 03-01-2009, 07:49 PM   #12
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

So tired of lifeing being semi-okay one minute then feet being knocked out from under me the next. Bad things just keep happening, over and over and over. Why? What's the point? They say that "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Haven't I proven that I'm strong enough? Why did I check the mail, why did I open the letter, should have just thrown it away. But I thought...maybe just maybe...there might be some apology...some remorse...for all those childhood years of lost innosence at the hands of the man who above all was supposed to protect me...and all he was is a monster then and now. No remorse or apology, just his trying to justify, saying the past haunts him too....the depression decends like a cloud of mist physically wrapping itself around me taking me with it as it sinks further and further. I'm tired, so damn tired. The self harm magnifies by hundreds at just the name on an envelope, shouldn't have ever read the letter, as usual I screwed up, my fault, I'm so stupid! Why do I constantly screw everything up, they say it's my fault and they're right. I guess I deserve this life as payment for all that I do wrong. I wish I could just sink down in the cloud of nothingness and sleep just sleep and not have to watch for monsters in the dark, monsters who won't leave me alone ever no matter what I do to try and forget, pdocs, tdocs, meds, therapy...none of its enough, the monster keeps coming back to let me know that he's still out there and he still has his power over me....everytime I cut, it;s his power over me, the urge is so strong and I can't beat him, he wins, one cut for every year he lives, 67 years; 39 of those torturing me; 49 of those torturing my sisters and my brother, even my brother was not safe from his sexual sickness; such a sick human being, never should have been let out of prison, shoudl have been put in a pit and burried. How can a name trigger this great amount of Depression, I was better today, feeling lighter, not so dark....and then screwed it all up, read the letter, and the depression came and maybe I deserved it for doing something so stupid, I don't know anymore. He preaches God and the church to me, but if the child molesters are allowed there and are so forgiven I don't want to be there, why are they allowed to be there around so many small children, I worry so much for those children. I have made so many anonymous phone calls, but it's no good, nobody believes me, they think I'm crazy. I wish there were answers, why me, why this disease, why the cutting, why any of us, what's the point that we have to suffer so much from a hellish disease that has no cure and mostly can't even be stable, sometimes I actually wish that I had the manic side of this disease, but it's not my lot, and I know from friends how much they suffer with it, but the darkness....it's so easy to just lie down and never get up, to give up and let life slip away.......I just want to understand, is it too much to ask.

kat

 
Old 03-01-2009, 11:29 PM   #13
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

I'm so sorry you're continuing to struggle right now. Sometimes there is no explanation for why bad things happen to good people. If truth be told, sometimes I think it's all a part of a master plan to test those of us who have bipolar to see how strong we really are nevermind the fact that we endure so much already with depression, manic episodes and in my case, rapid cycling. I'm feeling rather frustrated myself right now. I had a conversation earlier with my sister. The conversation upset me and caused me to rapid cycle. I ended up taking a Clonazepam and sleeping for an hour so that I could calm down. I'm fine now, but at the time, I was asking myself, "Why? Why am I the one who needs to deal with this demonic disease called bipolar? What did I do to deserve this?" Sometimes I can't help thinking about my life as a "before" and "after." That is, before bipolar and after bipolar. Before bipolar (pre 1991) everything was great. I was as happy as can be and didn't even know what bipolar was. After bipolar, my life has come crashing down all around me and I find myself wondering day after day if the man upstairs is testing me for something I did in an earlier life. *sigh*
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-02-2009, 01:01 AM   #14
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katlin09 HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Dreams,

I was dx'd in '90 and for a couple of years was med compliant then got a bit better and no more meds then a few years later go bad and med compliant, then better, then 2nd son born, and got very bad, BP Depression magnifies itself by about a million after childbirth, so back on meds for about 5 years then felt better so off meds, then Dec. 07 my brain decided to "unlock" and let me remember all the "horror's" of my childhood and since then i'm been med, therapy, pdoc, tdoc, and soon to be DBT compliant. Looking back I should have been med compliant the whole time but I just battled the Depression on my own, I mean hell what's 6 suicide attempts between friends. Now I just want all the memories to go away, I wish my brain would've just stayed locked up tight, I didn't need to remember that 5 year period of time, I was doing just fine without it. And now it just seems the harder I try to play by the BP rules and do everything I'm supposed to do, it just get's worse and I do something stupid or wrong. I just want my life back. I look at my son and he's so simple, you know? I woke him up just now so he could look out the window at the 4" of snow that's already fallen and the big fluffy flakes coming down and he was just so happy, that sleepy lopsided grin, that's all it took, a lil bit of snow, then off to bed and back to sleep. I want that, I want just a lil bit of snow to make me happy. I want normal, but I know that it will never be and it sucks. I think about my 9 yr. plan and where I'll be afterwards and honestly if the monster that calls himself my father is going to be upstairs when he dies, i'd just as soon be in hell....

Do you wonder if any of us will ever get our normal pre BP lives back? Even though I know the answer, the question still lingers in the back of my miind somewhere.

Nothing for us is normal, It's 4:00 a.m., I've not slept a wink yet, even though I've taken 2 sleeping pills a clonazapem, 2 percocet and a Rozerim. My brain is just wired against all the meds on some days/nights, it's like it just sits up there and laughs at me....saying go ahead swallow all those pills, you're still not going to do what you want. I hate it, tomorrow my son will want me to sled with him and build snowpeople and I'll be a tired grouch. Then when I go to my pdoc appt. in the afternoon, I'll be even grouchier, and that never makes for a good appt. especially when I have bandages all over my arms and wrists....he's not going to like that at all, but such is life I guess...well it's my life anyway.

 
Old 03-02-2009, 01:29 AM   #15
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dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: I hate this Disease, hate this life, hate it all

Kat,

I really don't think I'm ever going to have a normal life thanks to my BP. There may be a possibility of that happening now that my rapid cycling is under control thanks to Clonazepam, but as my pdoc and tdoc told me, rapid cycling, auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia will always be with me. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but sometimes I wonder. I have a love/hate relationship with my BP (i.e. I love the beginning stages of mania, heightened creativity, increased productivity, intelligence, but hate the middle/end of mania, extreme anger/irritability and depression). I'm so sick of going IP. I'm tired of pdocs and tdocs. I just want all of this to go away. When I feel like this, I can't even take pleasure in the simple things in life which is what I normally do when I'm feeling level. What really infuriates me though is when my sister tries to understand my BP by saying things like she knows what I go through because she's depressed too and hears voices from time to time. She just doesn't understand. No one does.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 03-02-2009 at 01:30 AM.

 
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