Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: near London, England
Worried for the love of my life !
Hello all I am in a relationship with a woman who appears to be manic depressive . I am 34 , she is 30
We met each other in september 2006 and within weeks I knew this woman was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - She is artistic , intelligent and has a great personality and within 2 months I had already bought an engagement ring waiting for the right time to propose .
I should give a little background about myself here , to aid people in understanding some of the issues in my post -
I am on and off , since the age of 21 , addicted to cannabis because it was a good way to calm my spinning thoughts and also a way to hide from my real issues ....
I am male to female transsexual (pre-operative) and although I didn't come out to my friends and family until february 2008 , my girlfriend knew from the first moment we met , as we met in a chatroom dedicated to transgendered people of all persuasions .
A transsexual is a person who has gender dysphoria , transgender is the umbrella term for everyone from cross-dressers , fetishists and people who mess around with gender roles and clothing sexually , through transvestites who dress for relaxation , to transsexual people who have the wrong external gender - and including shemales , ladyboys , drag queens and the like .
I personally , as a transsexual person , resent both the term transsexual as it implies things of a sexual nature , as well as the umbrella term transgender - which groups me with all kinds of sexual fetishists and perverts ! they should be swapped !
Not that I have anything against these people , just that being transsexual is totally different from the rest of 'transgendered' folks under the umbrella label !
My girlfriend is not transsexual or transgender , she is a natal female and bisexual .
Before I met her , at the beginning of 2004 I had started to confront my own issues and was finding myself , having counselling and working out what I had to do to be myself and be happy !
I met and knew a woman for a few months around this time , who was on the transgender 'scene' as she preferred people of a transgender persuasion
My counsellor and I thought it was a good idea to date her , as I had never been with someone who accepted the real me , but unfortunately it all turned sour ! I was very naive and ignored a lot of the signs that really told me what was going to happen . This woman talked me into sleeping with her unprotected , claiming she was on the injected contraceptive , as well as being too diabetically ill to conceive
A few weeks after the discussion about contraception , we slept together for the first time unprotected and bang she was pregnant !!! She instantly didn't want to know me and it was clear i was used as only a sperm doner .
Over the next couple of years I spiralled into deep depression and became heavily reliant on smoking weed to get by through numbing myself to all that was going on and found myself suicidal as I didn't feel i had any real support from my family , especially my mum ! When I had needed to vent off about things going on with me , she always turned it into an argument where i was blaming her for everything wrong in my life - so all my anger , pain and frustration had to be stored internally !
Now 5 years on , our daughter is 4 and I have never been allowed to even see pictures of her , even though I fought until she was 2 years old through the courts and judicial system , finally backing down for my mental health and daughters sake , as her mother clearly would drag this out as long as she could (we had only made it to mediation) and I knew that even if I managed to secure visitation rights , at the first instant that my ex could throw a spanner in the works , she would !
When I met my current girlfriend I was still fighting for my child and I told her everything about me . She was amazingly supportive in every way ! Although i had begun to quit smoking weed again before I met her , I was still smoking a few joints a week and still rebuilding my life and getting back to a point where i could confront my gender issues ! None of this seemed to matter to her , we were totally in love !!! I said at the rate i was quitting weed I would be quit by christmas 2006 (3 months after meeting her) and needed to do it for myself by myself to accomplish quitting !
But within a month of knowing her , when all else was perfect , she began to become frustrated with me if i smoked a joint ! I knew that to quit an addiction , I had to do it myself on my own terms - seek help myself if I couldn't quit etc , but basically it all came down to me dealing with it !
Although my smoking was becoming less and each time i smoked was further apart , each time I relapsed , she would either give me the silent treatment for up to 3 days , become moody and abusive or threaten me with leaving !
All I needed was a few completely happy weeks as I didn;t ever want to smoke when I was happy , but she couldn;t be supportive of me quitting this addiction !
At first these episodes weren't that bad , but they progressively got worse even though i was progressively getting better .
Around beginning of 2007 we were generally very happy , i accepted that she just hated me smoking as she came from a broken home due to an alcoholic father - but still found her to be contradictory in this matter , as she had no qualms about drinking heavily herself , although it not being often !
We had std tests so we could sleep with each other unprotected and she went on the contraceptive pill !
From going on the pill , things seemed to step up a notch , she was more moody more often and becoming nastier each relapse i had , as well as failing to see any progress at all in my quitting
by march 2007 I still hadn't quit but was smoking less than 2 joints a week , she threatened my friend who had just had a child with a nasty text which implied she would inform the police that he was a drug dealer as he had got me weed a couple of times when getting his own (at my request of course)
as the months wore on and I smoked less , each time i relapsed she got worse - threatening me with leaving me if i didn;t quit weed or if i didn;t fight for my child , emotionally blackmailing me , bullying me over silly things and generally hating me for a few days before loving me totally again for a couple of weeks
By august 2007 i was smoking 1 joint a month and although she was still getting worse each time i relapsed , things in general were very good and we were fully in love ! I put her reaction to me smoking down to her past and on holiday in the Polish mountains , I proposed to her on top of a mountain on the most amazingly beautiful day !!! She said yes and I was floating on air !!!!
we got back off holiday and i had a relapse and she threw the ring back at me and left me !!
She came back after a few days , but things were not improving she wanted us to go to relationship counselling so in october we started going to relate.
Previously to this , I had told her what would happen and what would be said at relationship counselling , but she wanted us to go basically because she wanted the counsellor to tell me i was wrong about everything !!!
The counselling went well and everything I had said that would happen and be said at relate , did happen !!!
I didn;t adopt a told you so attitude at all , I was glad that my partner seemed to be taking it all in and gave me the freedom I needed to quit on my own ! I smoked freely for 2 weeks before christmas , smoking for reasons other than out of depression , then quit !!!
For 6 weeks everything was amazing , but then she seemed to become depressed and found all manner of other things to be nasty to me about !
I came out to the world on february 9th 2008 , sent letters to all family and friends ( about 300 people ) and had a successful coming out as 95% of people were really cool about it
I stayed quit and she saw the doctor as she was feeling a bit off !!!
The doctor put her on CITALOPRAM anti depressants - and from there on things spiralled into chaos !!! My mostly normal girlfriend became a monster , started to physically abuse me as well as emotionally over the slightest little thing !
I would be laying in bed with her and she would tell me she hates me and doesn;t love me anymore , and within 20 minutes be telling me I was the most amazing person she had ever met and wanted us to get engaged again and married !
Her normally very directed self had turned into confusion and indecision about everything ! No matter what i did I was always wrong !
Throughout the relationship i never put any pressure on her , always supported everything she wanted to do and accomplish , helped her in every way i could and made excuses for her behaviour , to myself and others !!
She now believed the relationship counsellor was racist against her and supported me because I was same nationality as the counsellor .
she completely overreacted to many things , was causing trouble for her workmates and boss at work by going to area managers saying she was doing their job , she was accused of stealing by one awkward customer and her manager and workmates didnt believe that she had stole anything , yet she was livid for days saying she was going to sue this woman for deformation of character even though the accusation went no further than her manager as it wasn;t believed !!!
She was to attend a hair competition and I was to be one of her 3 models for this competition , the night before everything was ok , but I had noticed she had done no preparation at all !!! it was getting late and i said we should sleep to be ready for the comp , yet she had to do somethings on the internet so i did the same . She finished 2 hours later and i was chatting to a friend . She demanded I now come to bed , I said I would be 5 minutes and she flipped again and for the next 2 hours I tried , calmly , to get her to bed so she would be ok for the competition and eventually we slept !
The next morning I awoke to find her getting ready to go without me , saying she didn't want me there to ruin it for her !!! I lifted her beauty case to move it out of her way and she thought i was going to empty it so she punched me in the back of the head and twice in the back causing me to drop it and the contents went everywhere , causing her to flip even more !!! i warned her if she didn;t calm down , as she was now hysterical , or if she hit me again i would hit her back , so she hit me and i slapped her face !!!
obviously she didnt go to the competition , blaming me , but I know that she had changed her mind and was looking for me to make a little mistake to
In May I started smoking weed again as I was heavily depressed by her actions and reactions to everything , especially now things had become physical and she was hitting me when angry !!!
She left me and came back many times , sometimes cause i asked her to , sometimes cos she wanted to !!! She began becoming infatuated with guys at the college she attended and wanted to have an open relationship so she could have more fun
I tried this with her as was running out of ideas and obviously this didn;t work either , we had a 3some and she became infatuated with the person - saying she now wants to leave me again and try with them , me saying they only wanted the sex not a relationship and she went off to poland to see her mum for 2 weeks
while she was there she upset her mum after a family party , by going off with the cab driver that took them home and sleeping with him , she called me up and laughed maniacally down the phone as she told me about it !!!
While there also she attended a friends wedding and apparently the priests words affected her and made her think about me again and want to try things with me again , but the same day she got drunk and slept with a waiter at the same wedding reception !!!
When she came home she was all into me again we forgave each others 'flings' with other people and all seemed ok again ! She said it was her fault that I had started smoking and she would give me the time i needed to quit without hassle !!!
Within 2 weeks it was all off again and now she was chatting to her first love , over the internet , looking to meet up with him in june 2009 , "to put her past firmly in the past"
I had my doubts about her reasoning , but we got back together again on and off up until a few weeks before xmas when she left again for good this time apparantly (like i hadn;t heard that one before) and started trawling the internet for dates !!!
She met a few guys and slept with most of them !
Something she had done for the last year since we both joined facebook in feb 2008 , was everytime she was ****** at me she would write it on her facebook status letting everyone know !!!! When we had the fight about her competition thing , she wrote , that i had hit her , and she would never let anyone hit her again !!! I got a few letters from my cousins and friends wondering what I had done , as she failed to mention she had fully punched me in the back of the head and in the back before i lightly slapped her face !!!
Then just before New years eve when we were apart again , i noticed her status , " I have met the one and am happier than ever "
She had met a guy online one night then went to meet him at 2 am in a really dangerous place to meet a stranger and fell in love !!! The next day they met again and this "stereotypical promiscuous male fed her a load of bs about how he wanted a proper relationship but all women ever wanted from him was sex , she slept with him that night , he left in the morning never to return her calls or texts - and she blamed herself
I know fully well that he just used her as I know many guys who say those things to sleep with women !!!
So we come to 2009 - we have been back together and split up twice already - I joined her business that we started last september , but we split and she did it on her own until this february when she wanted me to work with her again , things were ok again and we spent lots of time together , she told me again she wanted to marry me and have children and that she felt the most natural with me compared to all her many previous partners !
I then recently smoked a joint and she sacked me and dumped me and went off on one again !!! 2 days later she wanted me back and working with her and while she was in the toilet , she received a text that I had to look at - it was her first love who she was planning to meet this june - and it was very flirty !!!
I had and still maintain that this guy , who has a relationship and children of his own is just after another quick fling , as 10 years ago when they met , he was with someone in another country , but dated her too !!! then after 7 months went back to his partner , never to speak to my girlfriend again !!!
They chat on the internet and phone when his partner is not there and plan to meet for a week when his partner again wont be there , his partner obviously knows nothing of him talking to my girlfriend , as its blatantly obvious what he is after !!!
But she says and still maintains it's not like that and not going to be like that !!!
I recently said to her , after she wanted to marry me and have kids again then hated me again , that I thought she was possibly schizophrenic or bipolar or manic depressive ( i didn;t know manic depression was same as bi polar disorder ) but it somehow got through to her and she found this message board and found a hell of a lot of similarities in her own behaviour and now believes herself to be bipolar !!!
I read many many messages here from partners of bp folks as well as from bp folks themselves and I tend to agree !!!
She is having counselling in 2 weeks time and has been back to the doctors who are weening her off the citalopram
I love her so much that whatever happens in the end I want to be here for her and support her in everyway I can , as i have since we met and to be honest if she is bi polar it would be a lot easier to deal with her knowing this , as having a reason for something is kind of re-assuring , however I am also very worried for her still !!!
I am sorry this post is so long , but i needed to tell someone what has been going on and still have only scratched the surface of all the horrible things she has done and said to me in the past
I believe I am the type of person who can deal with this , I am a lot stronger than I ever believed myself to be and through all this I have still made progress in my life and transition to becoming true to myself !!!
I also believe that her finding this site and realising a lot of her reactions and actions point to her being manic depressive is the beginning of her being able to sort herself out !!!
thank you very much for taking the time to read this