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Old 03-07-2009, 05:05 AM   #1
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Feeling Depressed

Hi everyone,

I was awfully tired yesterday, so I decided to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up around 2am. I felt hopeless and cried for 2 hours nonstop. However, I can't pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I feel so empty and lonely right now. I don't feel suicidal -- I just feel a tremendous sense of helplessness. I feel the same way I did after I lost my hearing in 1995. The tears won't stop and I'm starting to hear voices that are telling me what an awful person I am. I'm frustrated as well because I haven't rapid cycled the past 9 days and now this happens. I hate having bipolar and wish I could feel normal for more than a week. Is that too much to ask??? My next pdoc appointment is on Monday, so I plan to tell him that although I've been doing really well, I'm feeling depressed again. I also plan to talk to my tdoc later today. I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that I'm struggling right now and could use some cheerful thoughts and ideas as to how I can get through this. By the way, I took a Clonazepam to help calm myself down, but it only made me feel worse.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
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Old 03-07-2009, 07:49 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling Depressed

My DVD player isn't hooked up, so I can't watch any funny movies. I tried watching TV, but all I hear are people laughing and having a good time. I've tried telling my voices to go away, but they never listen. I wish Kat were online so she could tell me how she handles her severe suicidal depression. I don't feel suicidal, but I do feel very, very depressed. I'm crying as I type this because the tears won't stop. I have a headache for which Tylenol hasn't helped and all I can think about are the good times I used to have with my friends when I didn't have bipolar. I hate this d*mn disease! I hate it!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
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Old 03-07-2009, 04:45 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Thanks to someone on another BP message board, I learned that depression is a side effect of Clonazepam. I've been on this med for 9 days, so it's possible that I could be depressed as a result. I plan to discuss this further with my pdoc and tdoc this upcoming week.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-07-2009, 08:00 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Hey friend,

Sorry I've not been around, I think you and I twins that we are...well I've not been able to get out of bed much yesterday and today, so I've only been online a bit. but i'm here now, and sorry that you're having a hard time. First of all, don't take any Klonopin why you're feeling down and tired and depressed, it'll will probably just keep making you feel worse, as benzo's technically are in the depressant category. And remember you've went 9 days without rapid cycling and that is no small feat for you, and that is a really super thing, totally super. We know that this hellish disease doesn't let us be stable all the time, so you've done pretty good for quite a while. Now we just have to get past this crummy hopeless time.

When you wake up depressed and hopeless, there doesn't really have to be a reason, it just is....so don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why you feel that way. Try to make yourself get up, and do some of the normal things you'd do in a day, even if it's just going through the motions. TV is probably not a big thing for you right now, so gear more towards faster paced "happy" music to keep your spirits going up. Try to go outside and take a walk, this weekend is supposed to be pretty much springlike every where. Take your dog out for a walk so you both can enjoy some of the great weather. If you're inside and you just can't make yourself get out, then make sure your dog is hanging out with you...it makes a difference to have a pet with you, I know if my cat is with me, it make me feel somewhat better, and if I talk to the cat it helps. Try talking to your dog, just normal conversations to offset the voices your hearing. If that doesn't help, write down a one sentence "mantra" that you can yell at the voices each time they start up, and just keep telling them the same thing everytime. These are some of the things that I do, or am supposed to do when the depression gets bad. I did make it out for a walk to get my mail today.

We'll get you through this my friend, and keep telling yourself how great it is that you went so long with your rapid cycling being under control, because that is totally awesome!

keep talkign to me, i'll be around tonight.

kat

 
Old 03-07-2009, 09:14 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Kat,

I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-07-2009, 09:27 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Dreams,

I know it's hard, I've been with you all day, and my son is with his dad, so I'm also alone this weekend, and although I prefer it that way, it tends to make things worse. It also sucks that even with my Trazadone I still don't go to sleep until around 4:00. I like you just want to give up, tired of this damn disease and all the hell that it brings to our lives. We try so hard all the time, do what our docs say, take all the meds.....why don't we get a break?

Have you taken your PRN dose of Trazadone? Perhaps that would help you go to sleep soon, so you could just get a rest and a break. I'm sorry ya'lls weather isnt' better. I'm sure Tigger understands that you're feeling down, animals are so perceptive, it's almost scary, just let him hug and luv you, take as much as he wants to give you.

Sorry I gave you bad advice about the voices, that's one I've never had experience with. Did you call your tdoc tonight? Do you think this is bad enough to go IP, are the "thoughts" intense enough at this point to where you think you might act on them?

keep talking to me, 'kay.

kat

 
Old 03-07-2009, 10:42 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Hello, neondreams,

Hey, so sorry to hear you're in that place. I have been there, and inevitably, that hours-long crying over nothing in particular is a med reaction (for me). Can you call your pdoc tonight and ask advice? Maybe talk with the pharmacist, too - I find that often more informative and reassuring.
Don't be alone, if you can avoid it, do. Even on the telephone.
How about listening to the news on TV?

On the few occasions when I've had someone close near me, it has been so comforting to sit there and let it all out.

As kat said, you've had 9 nine days, which must be some sort of record, and over the past few months, you've had some good ones, too. I know that doesn't ever mean it will make us get out of the depression (I am sure this is endogenous), but it might help you intellectually have some hope.

Headaches are the worst. Is it migraine? I've gone to the ER with them, and if it's making you feel all that much more worse, maybe a trip up there, both for that and the depression (if it doesn't let up). Esp. since you're contemplating SH.

I don't have auditory hallucinations, but my mind gets loud and can take over my awareness. My tdoc told me to distract myself, do anything, and not to get engaged with it, since fighting those things just engages us with them more.
But I have some friends who just yell STOP at them, and sometimes, they get somewhere.

I will check on you later.

Hugs, many,

Seaturtle

 
Old 03-07-2009, 10:53 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Hello again.

just want t add something to what I wrote before. My father was a doctor, and I tend to avoid feelings, so I always go to well, it's a physical event. Never emotional.
Huh, oh well.

What I wanted to say was that you have also just cause to be depressed, frustrated, hating the illness. You have a full plate all the time. You mentioned your hearing - this alone is something to grieve, your eyesight, the mental illnesses. Would it help if you directed some of your depressive feelings at these things and the other difficulties in your life?

I think we sometimes burn out and collapse into tears.
And do check out the Klonopin w/doc. I wonder if it's the cause, since you had such relief from it for a while. But kat is right, the benzos can do that. I take Xanax, which has a slight anti-depressive effect.

Keep in touch,

Seaturtle

 
Old 03-07-2009, 11:01 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling Depressed

neondreams -

Just found the other post. Yuck, fie on them. Stay away.
Nasty to you, insulting, mean. I don't believe how they spoke.

Seaturtle

 
Old 03-08-2009, 04:59 AM   #10
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by dreams in neon View Post
Kat,

I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
dreams,

i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 06:27 AM   #11
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by irishwriter View Post
dreams,

i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.
Thanks. I'm concerned about increasing my Clonazepam dose since one of the side effects is depression and I don't know if the way I'm feeling has anything to do with that. I could increase my Depakote, but I'm already on 1500mg and the highest dose is 2000mg. I can't take Lamictal since it isn't supposed to be used by people who are on Depakote. My pdoc did suggest adding a small dose of Lithium if my rapid cycling doesn't improve, so that may be our next option. I suppose I could also have him increase my Fluoxetine from 20mg to 40mg.

As for how I'm feeling this morning, I'm still depressed. I'm really hoping the weather is nice today so that I can spend some time outdoors. I'm also going to call the cable company to add one or two movie channels so I always have something I can distract myself with when I need to keep my mind focused on other things besides my rapid cycling or depression.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-08-2009, 12:23 PM   #12
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Hey Girl,

Tell yourself today will be a better day, and keep telling yourself that. I dropped off somewhere around 3 or 4, and am really missing that lost hour. As opposed to 11:30 which is when I usually get up because the cat jumps on my head demanding food, it was 12:30 and it's throwing my whole day off, so I just said screw it and got back in bed. It's gorgeious here outside and I have no desire to go out. We should switch places I would love some cold rainy weather as it's so bright here, haven't got my black blinds up yet....they're in a box on the floor, might do that later. So give the cable co. a call now, they can add the chanells while your talking to them on the phone, they do it by satellite uplink signal, it takes about 2 minutes.

i have another black eye and it's giving me a killer headache, I need to find the percocet bottle! So what are we going to do today? Yak on the boards, cuz that will engage our brains in something other than "us", try to get outside with Tigger, for me I have to make sure "Wallie" doesn't get outside. Order some movie channels via phone, and think of some more things later. Is your head better today?

Kat

 
Old 03-08-2009, 02:51 PM   #13
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Hi Kat,

I still have a headache today. It's not a migraine, so I can't take Imitrex. I tried taking Extra Strenth Excedrin, but it's not touching the pain.

I haven't eaten for 2 days and hate to think about how many pounds I've lost. I just don't have the energy to eat. One of the good things about being IP is that you receive 3 meals/day and have to eat. I don't even feel like drinking a protein drink. My doctor told me to always keep some in the fridge for whenever I'm manic or depressed, but I don't know why I bother since I don't drink it anyways.

I did call the cable company and ordered 2 movie channels. Right now though I'm on the computer with no background noise because my head is killing me.

I went outside earlier to take Tigger for a short walk, but it didn't do anything to improve my mood because it was so cold and kept raining at a moderate level. I wouldn't mind if it were below zero and sunny because at least the weather wouldn't be so dark and depressing like it is now. If we have one more day of cold and rain, I swear I'm going to pack up a duffel bag and take a Greyhound to Arizona. I can't stand this. I would do anything to have some sunny weather and it won't be soon enough that I move to Arizona this summer. I love the sun and hot temperatures. While I'd miss the cold (meaning temperatures in the 40s on a nice, crisp autumn day), I wouldn't mind temperatures in the 70s during this time of year.

I tried writing in my journal today, but I can't think clearly enough and besides, I have nothing to write about.

When I see my pdoc and tdoc, I have no idea what I'm going to tell them. I've been doing really really well for 9 days without cycling and am now depressed for the second day in a row. I'm not going to be too concerned though unless I have more inappropriate thoughts enter my head or I experience psychotic depression.

I tried listening to my favorite music from the 80s, but all it does is remind me of the days when I didn't have bipolar. It also reminds me of my good voice Jill whom I haven't heard in awhile. I miss her when I feel as depressed as I do today, but I guess it doesn't matter since she will most likely never come back to me.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 03-08-2009, 03:41 PM   #14
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Dreams,

It's okay that you don't feel magically better, you're making yourself go through the motions of normalcy and even if it doesn't feel like it, that is an accomplishment. If your headache is still there and not getting any relief from normal OTC pain meds, you can take an imitrex, it won't hurt anything. When I have those kinds of headaches I take my Axert so that they don't develop into a migraine, which is a strong possibility when it's lasted this long. I'm sure Tigger enjoyed the walk. I finally opened the patio door and a few windows and Wallie is loving the breeze that comes in he's not gotten out of the window sill or away from the patio screen door since. He's such a lazy kitty during the day, I have to throw his jingly balls around to get him to run around and play some so he'll sleep at night.

Keep on going through your motions today, you're doing good, and take your imitrex if the headache persists. I know you're missing Jill, maybe she'll show up later. I'm glad you called the cable company, that was a good step.

And as for what you'll tell your pdoc and tdoc, remember just go with the truth, they'll work off that and help you understand what's going on and verbalize how you feel about it.

I'll check in with you in a while, i'm going to nap for a bit, staying in bed all day for some reason makes me tired. You've done way better than me today, I haven't even managed going through the motions, all I've managed is putting some laundry in, and talked with you guys.

kat

 
Old 03-08-2009, 05:14 PM   #15
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Re: Feeling Depressed

Kat,

I'm sorry you're not doing well today either. I've been keeping myself busy by visiting a few message boards and checking my email.

I still have a headache, but am going to follow your advice and take an Imitrex. I tried taking a nap earlier after taking some Tylenol, but couldn't sleep because the pain was too intense.

You're right about being honest with my pdoc and tdoc. Besides, they both know that I get depressed this time of year. I could tell them I've been well for the most part, but just ran into a small bump in the road and don't know if it's my typical depression or a side effect of the Clonazepam.

I opened up the windows to let some fresh air in hoping that would lift my spirits, but had to close them right away because it was too windy and rain was blowing inside the screen.

I was able to distract myself for about an hour by watching a movie. I'm glad I called the cable company to have 2 additional movie channels added. I'm also going to have a nieghbor connect my DVD player and then start ordering DVDs from Netflix so I have a funny movie I can watch whenever I'm depressed. One of my favorites is "What About Bob?" starring Bill Murray. Everytime I watch it, I can't stop laughing. LOL!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 03-08-2009 at 05:16 PM.

 
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