Feeling Depressed - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

dreams in neon · 03-07-2009, 05:05 AM

Hi everyone,

I was awfully tired yesterday, so I decided to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up around 2am. I felt hopeless and cried for 2 hours nonstop. However, I can't pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I feel so empty and lonely right now. I don't feel suicidal -- I just feel a tremendous sense of helplessness. I feel the same way I did after I lost my hearing in 1995. The tears won't stop and I'm starting to hear voices that are telling me what an awful person I am. I'm frustrated as well because I haven't rapid cycled the past 9 days and now this happens. I hate having bipolar and wish I could feel normal for more than a week. Is that too much to ask??? My next pdoc appointment is on Monday, so I plan to tell him that although I've been doing really well, I'm feeling depressed again. I also plan to talk to my tdoc later today. I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that I'm struggling right now and could use some cheerful thoughts and ideas as to how I can get through this. By the way, I took a Clonazepam to help calm myself down, but it only made me feel worse.

dreams in neon · 03-07-2009, 07:49 AM

My DVD player isn't hooked up, so I can't watch any funny movies. I tried watching TV, but all I hear are people laughing and having a good time. I've tried telling my voices to go away, but they never listen. I wish Kat were online so she could tell me how she handles her severe suicidal depression. I don't feel suicidal, but I do feel very, very depressed. I'm crying as I type this because the tears won't stop. I have a headache for which Tylenol hasn't helped and all I can think about are the good times I used to have with my friends when I didn't have bipolar. I hate this d*mn disease! I hate it!

dreams in neon · 03-07-2009, 04:45 PM

Thanks to someone on another BP message board, I learned that depression is a side effect of Clonazepam. I've been on this med for 9 days, so it's possible that I could be depressed as a result. I plan to discuss this further with my pdoc and tdoc this upcoming week.

katlin09 · 03-07-2009, 08:00 PM

Hey friend,

Sorry I've not been around, I think you and I twins that we are...well I've not been able to get out of bed much yesterday and today, so I've only been online a bit. but i'm here now, and sorry that you're having a hard time. First of all, don't take any Klonopin why you're feeling down and tired and depressed, it'll will probably just keep making you feel worse, as benzo's technically are in the depressant category. And remember you've went 9 days without rapid cycling and that is no small feat for you, and that is a really super thing, totally super. We know that this hellish disease doesn't let us be stable all the time, so you've done pretty good for quite a while. Now we just have to get past this crummy hopeless time.

When you wake up depressed and hopeless, there doesn't really have to be a reason, it just is....so don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why you feel that way. Try to make yourself get up, and do some of the normal things you'd do in a day, even if it's just going through the motions. TV is probably not a big thing for you right now, so gear more towards faster paced "happy" music to keep your spirits going up. Try to go outside and take a walk, this weekend is supposed to be pretty much springlike every where. Take your dog out for a walk so you both can enjoy some of the great weather. If you're inside and you just can't make yourself get out, then make sure your dog is hanging out with you...it makes a difference to have a pet with you, I know if my cat is with me, it make me feel somewhat better, and if I talk to the cat it helps. Try talking to your dog, just normal conversations to offset the voices your hearing. If that doesn't help, write down a one sentence "mantra" that you can yell at the voices each time they start up, and just keep telling them the same thing everytime. These are some of the things that I do, or am supposed to do when the depression gets bad. I did make it out for a walk to get my mail today.

We'll get you through this my friend, and keep telling yourself how great it is that you went so long with your rapid cycling being under control, because that is totally awesome!

keep talkign to me, i'll be around tonight.

kat

dreams in neon · 03-07-2009, 09:14 PM

Kat,

I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.