dannijack

hi im looking for advise as to whether i have BP or not. i'll start from the begining sorry if its long

i first stated showing signs of depression when i was 9-hated myself
everything about me made me feel sick and ashamed of being the way i was although there was nothing remarkably different from me to any one else,would withdraw myself from friends or participating in anything to being hyper running around with friends,climbing up 10ft walls and throwing myself off(thought it was a good idea at time)

couldnt handle depression so started drinking heavily at 11yrs old and smoking hash.mum noticed something was wrong, was sent to GP and was told i had depression.from then till i was 17 i would be extremely depressed,wanted to sleep-hated waking up as that ment i had to be alive another day, tearfull,irratible,angry with people for no reason but would take it out on myself, would take pills to numb the feelings then suddenly i would be hyper again,talking really fast,going places really far from home and having no money to get back and ending up places n not remember how i got there or what happened the night before. i would drink really heavily then when that didnt take the edge off my moods i started takin E and only stopped because someone i know nearly died from it otherwise i would probably still b takin them as it made me forget who i was and everythin else that was going
on.

started psychotherapy which helped me put all my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. taught me copping methods etc etc also learned to hide how i really felt so the doctors all thought i was 'cured' as i was sick of being passed around from one doc to the next

have been managing quite well the last few years with no major dips in mood only the odd mild moments but last year it all started again

i was sitting at a party having a great time when i suddenly thought no one wanted me there that they werent really my friends. this started happening alot mood was getting low again so i started reading again(i find its hard to think on anything else if im reading as i get sucked into the fictional world)

then at a wedding a month later i dancing around like crazy when i spotted the chef. there and then i decided i had to have him, that i was going home with him-which i did(i had never done anything like that before and felt so ashamed of myself when i realised what i had done) moments like these are becomin more frequent

recently i have been feeling so crap-headaches,nausea,tiredness,vision problems and depressed again but thought it was from being ill all the time. now i think its starting all over again as my depression seems to cause physical health problems aswell. im cutting myself off, cant see a happy future,want to sleep. then jumping around excitedly like a 6yr old, spending money i dont have and doing stupid stuff again.

does this sound familiar or is it something else-again sorry its so long
daniellex