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Old 03-07-2009, 02:33 PM   #1
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Not a good day.

I finally managed to get myself to bed at a reasonable hour last night. Though I was up by 4am... I'm having the worst nightmares of my life and that does not help. All day I've been so on edge and just angry at everyone and everything. I got in the shower and broke down. Threw things around and then started crying. My sister came home and asked what was wrong and I didn't even know what to say so I told her to leave me alone.

Will this ever end?

I feel like a child. A bratty one. But I can't help it, everything seems worthless and horrible.

 
Old 03-07-2009, 07:37 PM   #2
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Re: Not a good day.

Chelsea,

Please forgive my memory lapse and stupidity, have you been diagnosed and are you on meds?

I hear you about the night troubles, I'm the opposite of you, I don't ever fall asleep until 4 or 4:30 then have to be up by 7:30 or 8:00. So I figure one of these days I'm going to crash big time...just a matter of time, and unfortunatly this is with sleep meds.

I think you were wise to let some steam off in the shower, hey it's better than taking it out on your family or friends. Sometimes we just have to let all the crap out, or it comes at us like an avalanche and burries us. So don't feel bad about that, if anything feel wise for choosing the right thing to do. As for your sister, once again we don't alwasy have the "right" answer or any answer. When you feel better or more stable, then perhaps if you want you can go to her and say,"I was having a really stressful day, the BP was really spiking that day, and I'm sorry for being short with you." That way if you think you hurt her feelings or something, you can fix it if you feel the need.

And yes there will be times that you do feel better and more stable, although it doesn't always feel that way, just try and hang on.

kat

 
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Old 03-08-2009, 11:41 AM   #3
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Re: Not a good day.

Thanks for your response, Kalin. I am not on meds yet and I've only met with my psychiatrist just once. I meet with them again tomorrow. She did say that she was considering it and thinks I should consider it, too. So, I am. I really don't want to because I'm not even sure if I have BP. Yes, I have the symptoms, but like today I feel perfectly fine- happy even. Whereas the last month or so I'd say I've been suicidal a lot of the time. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I'll just have to let it play out and work my way through it...

Thank you for your help.

 
Old 03-08-2009, 03:03 PM   #4
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Re: Not a good day.

Chelsea,

What does your Psychiatrist thing regarding your Diagnosis, have they mentioned anything yet?

kat

 
Old 03-08-2009, 06:27 PM   #5
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Re: Not a good day.

Hi,

Well, what you describe - the radical changes in mood, the rage, sounds like bp to me. Of course, your diagnosis depends on you evaluation.
Please be open to medication. It has made all the difference for me.
Wherever you are, we're here to listen and support you.
Let us know how the pdoc appointment goes. You don't need to be suffering like that. meds and therapy can help a lot.

Be in touch,

Seaturtle

 
Old 03-08-2009, 10:52 PM   #6
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Re: Not a good day.

Hiya Chelsea! Kat's right showers are a tried and true method of getting the erks out. And Seaturtle is right in asking you to be open to meds, it may take some tweaking but I agree- they are helping me to be a much nicer person.
As for the part where you say that you think you have the symptoms, but today you feel fine... without trying to diagnose you, that is how bipolar works and why it takes so long for most to get diagnosed- coz who goes to doctor to say- I'm happy, cure me?

 
Old 03-11-2009, 08:12 AM   #7
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Re: Not a good day.

I went to my therapist again on Monday- she is just a therapist, not a psychiatrist. On my first visit she had alluded to the idea of me being bipolar but I didn't really think much of it because it was the first visit and i wasn't interested in medications. But this past visit I told her that I really think I may be, and that many of my symptoms seem to measure up to it. She agreed but said "there are a lot of factors that play into it, its very hard to treat. many people with bipolar disorder are very impulsive and promiscuous" and I told her about how after reflecting back on some past experiences and times in my life that have exhibited that sort of behavior, and my present behavior etc, that I thought I may have it. She wants to wait and explore my past and present behavior more, which I understand. But I know she also can't put me on medication for it anyway, i don't want to wait too long- what should I do? Go to a psychiatrist? My funds are limited, I'm scared I won't be able to afford all of this.

 
Old 03-11-2009, 08:26 AM   #8
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Re: Not a good day.

In addition, i've been feeling relatively normal or even-keeled, except when i wake up in the morning suicidal thoughts still run through my head. the more stress that piles, the more intense it gets.

I'm sorry to be so whiney, it's just I don't know what to do about any of this. It helps to tell people who are familiar with these feelings.

 
Old 03-11-2009, 02:39 PM   #9
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Re: Not a good day.

Chelsea,

Take it from me a fellow Houstonian *g* you are so not being whiney, stop thinking that. We don't mind sharing our knowledge, if that's the one good thing that we get from this hellatious disease that we can help others navigate it then so beit. To answer your question, yes to be properly diagnosed you need to see a psychiatrist, and if you are BP, he will most likely put you on meds. Good news is, you can go through social services and they should have a mental health program...that should either supplement you or pay for your mental health needs and docs and meds. Call the Harris County social services office and check into it.

I am so sorry your having to go through this alone, and I know how scary it can be. I was diagnosed 19 years ago and have been med compliant off and on, sometimes going a couple of years because I convinced myself I was "well" and didn't have BP anymore *l* yeah right. I have been totally med compliant for the last year and a half, since my life fell completely apart and the BiPolar took over 100%.

You will get through this, and eventually you'll learn how to navigate it and get to be stable, just be patient and don't be so hard on yourself, that will only increase your stress levels, 'kay?

Yell back if you need any help.

kat

 
Old 03-15-2009, 05:05 AM   #10
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Re: Not a good day.

Hi, Chelsea!

I asume you're you're very young, 88 being the year you are born? If that's a case, I will feel free to make some suggestions.

You see, I was 18 when first diagnosed with depression of a neurotic kind, a part of the adolescent identity crises and some kind of a personality disorder and was put immediately on an antidepressant after a first visit to a therapist. As I was feeling bad an being so young and not knowing anything I kind of trusted that this would make me feel better. And it did for while. But I kept struggling later, changing therapist, changing therapy, having worse and worse episodes and it was harder to me to function as the years went by. My diagnoses today is BAP(which I have no doubts about) and borderline (which I question).

Now, there is a lot more to the story, but what I wanted to say is that I was wondering if taking medications at this young age somehow affects our nervous system and maybe causes the disease that we wouldn't have, hadn't started using them.

So I think that it is better if you can function more or less normally just to go to the psychotherapy to help you find the triggers and what's behind your behavior because maybe it can help you without taking meds and let your therapist decide if you trust her .

But I would strongly advise not to "dig your brain" as my friend doctor would say if not necessary, which is also discussable, but it's on you to decide if you can deal it and start to feel ok on your own or the chemical balance in your brain is to disturbed to fix it without meds.
One of our most appreciated neuroscientist agrees with that theory.

There's a book I read 4 years ago I liked very much that helped me be out of meds and highly functional for a year with no big swings of mood I would recommend it to anyone thinking of going to meds, especially young ones.

It's called Natural prozac by J.C Robertson.

But, please, everyone else, don't get me wrong, I'm not against medications, I'm taking them myself, but I'm now 25 and think I can't do without them, still remember when I was younger and questioning whether I should start taking them.

Hope that's a kind of help.

Gloria

 
Old 03-15-2009, 12:11 PM   #11
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Re: Not a good day.

I guess it's just a matter of what particularly is wrong with you. I was barely from 19 when I had to start taking meds, but that's when my suicidal depression of the BiPolar type started.....so in order to stay alive I didn't have a choice.

It's all a matter of what you have and what you do I guess.

k

 
Old 03-15-2009, 02:28 PM   #12
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Re: Not a good day.

Well yes, that's what I wanted to say too. The person and his or her psychiatrist should decide what's best.
I'm just saying one should be careful because nowadays they're dealing those meds necessary or not.
At the adolescent age one should be especially careful.
It's not the same treating a kid, a teenager, young adult or a developed person, one must figure it out.

 
Old 03-15-2009, 05:02 PM   #13
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Re: Not a good day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
I guess it's just a matter of what particularly is wrong with you. I was barely from 19 when I had to start taking meds, but that's when my suicidal depression of the BiPolar type started.....so in order to stay alive I didn't have a choice.

It's all a matter of what you have and what you do I guess.

k
Same goes for me Kat. I was 19 too. That's when I starting taking meds. Sometimes they are absolutely necessary for a person to sustain a good quality of life. If these meds can provide a better quality of life for someone who would otherwise have a poor quality of life, why would you not take them? Don't get me wrong, I had a doc who overmedicated me to the extreme, and because of it tried to commit suicide twice. However, since then I have educated myself on how important meds are when they are needed and when they are given correctly. The important thing is for the patient to be proactive about their meds, and not just fully trust their md. Research each med you are on, keep track of side effects, and make sure your not put on something every single time you have one tiny complaint. Meds can be complicated, but if you stay on top of them, they are very beneficial. My tdoc put it to me in a great way. He asked me "If you had diabetes, would you take your insulin everyday to manage the chemical imbalance?" Of course, I answered "Absolutely"! He said "Ok, so why wouldn't you do the same thing for your brain?" That is the best analogy I have ever heard to explain how important meds really are for my bipolar.

 
Old 03-15-2009, 06:30 PM   #14
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Re: Not a good day.

Yep. Luckily I have a pdoc who's not in a big hurry to shove all kind of meds down my throat. I mean yes I am on 5 Psych meds, but thats a cumulation over a year and a half of work trying to find the right combination, and it looks like we finally found what works. My pdoc is grounded in herbal and nutritional approaches to symptoms and he integrates holistic medical approaches such as mindfulness meditation, yoga, accupuncture and massage depending on patient preference and clinical presentation. So you get a little bit of everything and when you find out whats best for you, then that's what you go with. He also go's with different therapies such as DBT, EMDR, etc.

kat

 
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