marovi

I am wondering about the childhood of other people who have BP diagnosis. I am wondering if I've had it since childhood.

As a child, I was very smart. I loved to do extra assignments and teachers considered skipping me a grade in elementary school. I was kind of bossy to my peers. I always thought I was right and needed everything done my way. I loved coming up with projects like making a cat/dog sitting business. I did this when I was in the fourth grade. I recruited peers to work and we held meetings and advertised. I also started groups in my neighborhood to take children on hikes in the woods (my backyard). I also advertised with flyers and posters for this. I was probably in third grade. Of course, adults just kind of laughed at my efforts and thought it was cute.

I did not sleep well as a child. I would stay up as late as possible reading novels. I read my first novel in Kindergarten. I didn't have any problem getting out of bed in the morning though.

Although I didn't have any behavior problems in school, I sometimes had violent behaviors at home. I would lash out at my parents and sister. I remember one day throwing my supper on the floor and smashing the plate because I didn't like what my mom had made. I would physically beat up my sister and parents, even as a young child. I remember being about 10 and pushing my father to the ground. My violence was often a result of conflict about my sister. She lied a lot and got me into trouble for things I didn't do. I also got mad about things like having to go on vacation or on outings to places like the beach for example. I did not like having my routine thrown off. I never had any violent behaviors at school. I might have been a bit bossy, but only enough to make my peers annoyed for a short period of time.

I remember having so much stress in my life that I would sit cross legged and rock on the floor. I would stare at the wall until I almost forgot everything that was going on around me. I could lose track of time that way.

I had some paranoia when I was young. Even at the elementary school age, I remember worrying that there were people hiding in the bush outside my bedroom window. I would worry that there was a camera watching me in my room sometimes, or someone hiding in my closet. Sometimes I would feel like something was going to get me if I didn't wrap my entire body in a blanket at night. I never slept with my feet out of the blanket.

Ever since I was a child, I remember seeing frightening things. I saw what I believed to be the devil hovering over my bed when I was probably elementary school age. I ran to my parents room once it went away. They insisted I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn't. Sometimes everything went different colors. Everything would have a tint of grey, white or red for instance. Like someone put in a colored lightbulb. I saw a white person standing in my living room one day.

As I grew older, I continued to do very well in school but became really depressed. I became more violent at home and had a lot of anxiety at school. I always had a boyfriend that I counted on to get me through the days. I had migraines, back pain and insomnia. I felt the need to always be busy. I worked 20 hours a week, went to school and played on three sports teams in grade 11. The conflict at home led me to move to my grandmother's house in grade 11 and for almost a year I had no conflict with my parents. I continued to do well in school but skipped class a lot. I couldn't bear to be there and had bad social anxiety. I had few friends and didn't like talking to people at all.

When I started university, I broke up with my boyfriend, started drinking 4-5 nights a week and becoming very social. I lost all of my friends that I had before. Within a few months I was very depressed again and spent most of my time in bed, skipping school. I continued to do well in school though. I started hearing voices then. I would hear my name whispered occasionally, or people chattering.

I started antidepressants a year later. I went through 11 of them in three months and went through major psychosis. I saw monsters who were looking at me through windows, tvs and computer screens. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't eat... lost about 40 lbs in three months. I continued to make As in school,although I rarely attended. I was hospitalized for three days when I thought the monsters were coming and wanted me to hang myself from an iv pole. I wasn't actually going to, but I guess doctors interpreted that as being suicidal.

I withdrew on my own from all of my medications. I have been coping with diet and exercise.

That is the extent of my past. Wondering if people had similar childhoods. Any reason I was only violent to my parents and sister? Why was I able to keep up in school? Do you think I had BP my whole life?