I feel awful and sick to my stomach right now. I was told today that a friend of mine who has bipolar is on a ventilator and dying. I'm so devastated by this news, I can't stand it. She was the first person I've ever met who has bipolar. She was always so loving and kind. I can't believe this is happening. Why does everyone I care about leave me???
So far, I've lost:
My hearing in 1995
My first guide dog Sugar in 1997
My father in 1999
My sister in 2001
My mother in 2004
My best friend in 2005
The only consolation I have is that my friend will no longer have bipolar in Heaven, but it still doesn't take away the pain.
I'm so sick and tired of people dying on me and feeling so much grief. Just when I feel like my life is on track, something like this happens.
The next thing I'm dreading is when Tigger passes away. When that happens, I don't think I'll be able to handle it, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Right now, I've got to try and think positive thoughts for my friend and prevent myself from going into a manic or depressive episode.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 03-18-2009 at 10:00 AM.
Loss is perhaps the most difficult emotion, I think. You've a lot to grieve about that happened over a short span of time.
I lost all my family 1997-99, lost my ability to function in 1963. Other losses have come along - at the moment, a dear friend is dying.
I don't mean to speak of my losses here, just to join you in your feelings. As far as why - it just happens, I guess that's all, and we have of course no control.
You need to mourn and grieve. We will be here to listen on the board. I hope you have some supports around you in real time, too.
What can I say? I am sorry for your losses and the grief you are in. Some like to ay that at least people's suffering has been relieved, but I find that a weak argument at best.
I'm sorry for your losses dreams. I can't say as I would know how it feels to experience these. I just hope that in the near future it'll be nice to you. I hope nothing else happens.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean alot right now and I'm so sorry for all of your losses as well. <group hug>
My friend's family informed me that she will be taken off of the ventilator tomorrow since her condition isn't improving.
I can't believe it and am so depressed. The tears just won't stop.
Seaturtle, you're right about the argument about people no longer suffering. Why should my friend have had to suffer in the first place for as long as she did? It's not fair that good people die young.
Now I've lost my father, sister, mother, best friend and another friend. How much more of this can I take???
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 03-18-2009 at 03:22 PM.
Dreams,
I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. If there is anything I can to do help you please let me know. Even just an ear to bend. I know how hard loss can be to get through, especially when your bipolar.
From what I gather about you, you also lost your family early.
A therapist I had for a long time was with me for the death of my parents, loss of my brothers, and death of my long-term partner. He said something that might be of a little help (though in the throes of grief, there is little else) -
He said: Think of the meaning and joy you brought to these people. The relationship had enormous value for all of you. That love will always be there inside you, and was a great gift to them. You both gave each other the best gift there is.
He also asked me if I would rather not have had the relationships (and thus, not the feelings of overwhelming loss and grief, abandonment, anger, that come with mourning).
I thought about, and saw the enormous value people can have for each other.
You gave your friend that. And she, you. That is the part no one and no death can ever take away from both of you.
You are specially on my mind tonight. Keep in very close touch with your tdoc and pdoc. These great life traumas can throw anyone into almost psychotic shock.
Thank you for sharing that, Seaturtle. A counselor I've known for a long time told me the same thing today. That makes me feel better. It also helps to know that she will no longer suffer from bipolar. She will be free of any mental illness and will finally enjoy a normal eternal life. I'm still crying as I type this, but I took 2 Clonazepam 20 minutes ago and feel better than I did earlier. I don't think the reality of what happened is going to hit me until tomorrow when this news will be final. I think I'm going to give my pdoc and tdoc a call tomorrow even though I have an appointment with my tdoc on Friday. I'm also going to ask my pdoc if I can increase my Flouxetine to 40mg if necessary, but will then bring it back down to 20mg once I start to feel better.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
