I am new to this board and I'm looking for support from others like myself. BP is so terrible and scary. I do not have BP but my wife of almost 6yrs does and it is destroying our life. I love her so much but she's stopped her meds now after only 2mons and has decided she's better without them. Now she being verbally abusive again and begining to flip flop moods quickly. She called my mom 2 nights ago and told her how she is ready for more children and how excited she is. Now last night she told me she's thinking she made a mistake in moving back home with our daughter and I and she's made plans to go out with another another man friday night (he's just a friend she says.... meanwhile she's admitted to a past affair with him prior to her seeking treatment). Personally, I know its a load of crap. She asked me if I minded and I said I do mind and it wasn't appropriate and she said," well i don't need your permission i can do what i want!" This is always how it starts. i don't think she intends to have an affair but she goes out with people and doesn't involve me. the people she picks are people who don't respect marriage and are always many... i think she likes the attention they give her (she's quite pretty).... sad thing is, I'd give her all the attention she'd want if she'd just let me in. But she doesn't want it from me... i'm the enemy. These people only she the manic woman in her, wreckless and willing to party and do whatever. It appears this is who she wants to be. Not the woman who was so happy to be married to me that she couldn't even wait for me to ask her (even though i had the ring) she asked me to marry her....lol. She wanted a family, a house, yard with a picket fence and at least 3 kids. But that person can't co-exist with the person who lets her BP beat her. The person who stops taking her meds and goes out all manic and wild. I've lived with this for 3yrs now. It always starts in the spring and this year is no different.... i would love to yell at her PDOC for reducing her to 10mg an her Abilify because she said it made her tired. She was in great control of herself at 15mg and now....poof. All has fallen apart and she's removed me from her HIPPA form at the PDOC so i can't even tell her doctor that she's not taking her meds and that the dosage may need to be revisited. If she goes out Friday with this other man I think I will take my daughter and leave before she gets home. I don't want her to see her mother do this for a 3rd year in a row and for her to have to see the toll it puts on me. I'd just assume not know what she's doing because I don't think I can do this for another year. I want to help her but she's gotta want to help herself. I do love her but I'm tired of being stepped on and her not really being a good mother. The fact that she never really severed ties with this guy tells me that from the moment she came back she never was really sure she would stay. A commited woman to our marriage and her recovery would involve me in her PDOC efforts and would not have secretly maintained this outside relationship. Its just a shame. She will want to come back... she always does but where do I draw the line. I'm thinking about going to see a PDOC for myself as to what may be the best way to handle her. Is that a good idea? Please help me?
I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a tough timee with your wife. Unfortunately only can decide what is best for you and your little one, and often that is a difficult decision.
If you wife is not ready to be helped, nothing you can do most likely will change that. I can relate from the side of your wife only I hadn't been diagnosed yet. My husband finally said "me and the kids" or your life, mistakenly (maybe/not sure) at the time I chose "my life" because I was getting the attention, etc. But I lost a lot of time with my children that I will never get back as both are pretty much grown (21 and 20) and I regret that everyday.
Thank you for your insight. I guess I already know that it is my choice but I don't want to give up on her. The BP woman she is unmedicated is not who she truly is. I guess I am affraid of the ultimatom... that I might drive her farther away. But I don't want to empower her to keep doing what she's doing by not holding her accountable with consiquenses for her actions. This is not fair to my daughter and I and I know deep down she's stronger than this. She's looking for the easy way out but the long term is she'll be a danger to herself and she'll still be unhappy. Do ultimatoms work when someone is unmedicated and going through an episode. She shows signes of a mixed episode possibly but I can't be sure. I want to be clear that it is not my intention to give up but that I don't know what tactics if any might be effective when she's in this state. Please, any advise would be helpful.
Last edited by cbruner; 04-03-2009 at 07:53 AM.
I would let her know that she must help herself before you can help her, so you're not giving up on her, but if she's not willing to work at, then your not either. You shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of her bad choices. I have been where she is, and it might take some time for her to get it through her head that if she doesn't get help she'll, lose you, but I bet she'll come around and realize what she will be losing just to live an unstable life. When she hits rock bottom is when she'll come running back ready for help. I've done it plenty of times unfortunately. It's sad but true. When I'm manic, I don't want to listen to anyone but my own self. So, while I think you should not give up, I do think you should verbally give her the ulltimatom, let it sink in, see how she reacts and then go from there. But you have to keep your word. If you give her an ultimatom, you must really follow through on it if she decides not to accept it. This will be the only way she will know your serious about how much you want her to get help. I hope this helps. Let us know the update!
I agree with Caitlan.... if you give the ultimatum stick to or she will just see it doens't really matter what she does. When I was manic I wouldn't listen but as I came down I saw what I lost and would come back. But she does have to know that by coming back means meds and starting to help herself and that you will stand by her. Sometimes I think we get into our heads when we are manic that our partners won't stick by us, so we just keep engaging in behavior that pushes them away.... it's hard to accept that anyone would want to be with someone like us all the time. Take care and keep us posted
I think I can know what you're going through, too. A friend recently lost her 12-year-old son because of the mania she refused to have treated. And he saw her being unfaithful, too, in her own house, and that damaged the kid beyond words.
I can't agree more that an ultimatum is appropriate. Sometimes, a confrontation with several people at once can help.
But, sad to say, nothing might help unless she is indeed at rock bottom.
For you, can you go to Al-anon meetings? And yes, I would say it would be very good for you to go to a counselor for yourself.
I am sorry you're going through this. Your wife is lucky to have someone like you who has understanding and compassion.
Do what you must to preseve your own sanity and daughter's welfare first. Your wife, ultimately, will have to live her own life.