I guess that taking meds doesn't necessarily cure you at all! There are still always going to be symptoms aren't there? I don't know if I can live like this.
I don't want to take these stinking meds. I've put on 12 lbs in two short weeks. How can this be? I know it has to be from the increased abilify. I thought that that one was supposed to be weight neutral. Well maybe at the highest dose it is not.
I am so tempted to not take them anymore, but you know how close the human service center is watching me! I've got a case manager on my back and my parents as well. If they catch me drinking or not taking meds it's back to the state hospital I go. I have a civil commitment of one year and right now I'm on an ATO (alternative treatment order) which means I can be out of the hospital but have to be a good girl (no drinking or no skipping meds, etc.).
I know the feeling of wanting to stop the meds, but try and push through it. The meds definitely don't cure us, they are not meant to, since there is no cure, they are here to lessen the amount of episodes we have and the severity of those episodes. I know how tiring it gets, but we need to remeber we are worse off without the meds. Maybe the new med added to your regimen is right for you. I would talk to your pdoc and maybe try to see if your meds need to be adjusted. I think at this point we are all fed up with our disorder. I think there will always be times when we get fed up and frustrated, but that passes, and we accept it again. Try and hang in there. I know my words don't help much, as when you feel hopeless really no words can help. Just try to hang in there, and come here for as much support as you can get.
We are completely justified, and I think complaining about it every now and then can even be therapeutic. We get it off out chests, and then we keep plugging along trying as hard as we can. I agree that playing the change the med game is no fun, but I guess that's a burden we have to bare. It's sucks, I know, but sometimes it's necessary. And yes, being home is way better than being at the hospital.
You are justified in feeling like this I think we all get that way at somepoint. I know I just finished feeling the same way. I was ready to chuck the meds and myself out the window and had even picked a tree on the side of the rode that I figured would do the job. I think I was just to chicken plus being a nurse I know not all things are certain and I wanted certainty! I also was ready to smack my pdoc and hubby who kept saying you just need to see the glass 1/2 full we will find a combination. Well, I can say that about 4 or so months down the road my pdoc might have finally found a combination (after I don't know how many tries as I quit counting)... it needs to be increased but it is finally budging the depression a little. So do your best to hang in there and remember we all go through it and you can at least come here and get some support.
You bring up a great point about how our lives would be before meds. We would all be considered witches, and burned at the stake. In earlier times, when nothing was known about mental illnes, these symptoms were seen as witch craft, and those displaying our symptoms were burned alive. So...while most of us are experiencing diffuclites right now, we need to see the good part...where ever that is...that at least we are not being killed for being witches...we are being treated like any other person with a medical disorder...by our docs anyways, not by society.
You are right I am better on the meds than off of them.
I am sick of this adjusting meds game.
I think you are right. A lot of us here are getting frustrated with this bipolar business. And it's justified!
I haven't seen a pdoc since I got out of the hospital. Plus I don't think I'd be honest anyway. I don't want to go back to the state hospital, that's for sure.
Llama my med twin, sorry I'm just seeing this, I've been off the technology track at a friends house. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with all these stupid poison pills. I would love to tell you just chuck em all, I know I'd like to stand right beside you and do the same thing....but we can't. We have to take them, so we can try to gain that hallowed ground called stable. So hang in there my friend. Can you give your pdoc a call about adjusting the dose of the abilify back down and maybe changing something else?
A friend with MS, progressive over the years, leaving her with periods of being entirely bed-ridden, going blind, fatigue, pain, in a wheelchair now and needing assistance for daily living, once said something to me. I was talking to her about my search for a cure, for something that would banish bp, anorexia, agoraphobia from my life.
She said I was just wasting my time and frustrating myself. She said the 'medical model" aims for The Cure, and many times, there simply is no Cure. She said "We can do anything, we just have to find a different way of doing it, using whatever help we need to get to our goals, and we need to accommodate the illness, let it have its space, then go on.' once we have given up on chasing The Cure, we cqn live our lives.'
I think that's where it's at. No, it won't be gone by now or ever (unless medicine finds The Cure for us). We go on as very special people, using what we must and shifting our goals as we go along. Then we find new ones that take the illness into consideration, and new worlds open up.