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Old 04-13-2009, 03:46 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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wilkdawg HB User
I hope Im still welcome...

... I know my last appearance on these boards was not well-received but a number of you seemed to remember I was much more helpful when responding to others. My own posts, while well-intentioned, just didnt come out right. And I apologize for that and am grateful for the understanding I have received from some of you. Which brings me to my first post in some time. And no, its not to preach. It IS seeking help. Let me start with a text message I sent my girlfriend earlier today:

I can't freak out. I can't please everybody. And I certainly can't win. I'm not accepted. Im not trusted. I have no family. Im a ****** mistake and an alien.

I am bipolar, first off. I seem to forget or assume thats known. Yesterday was not just Easter. It was my parents 40th anniversary. A few extended family members invited my parents, me and my girlfriend out for lunch. Thats as much as I knew. I am an only child with a "Weddings & Funerals" family. We're not close. We see each other mostly at weddings and funerals and the occasional holiday. My girlfriend has a brother and sister and sees her family on a weekly basis. My family is loud, freewheeling and a bit loose with money. Hers isnt. We can afford to be because we barely see each other. I tried to prepare her. She knows I dont have a sense of family beyond my parents. I dont know them. I was more concerned with getting off a champagne toast to my parents' anniversary. Other than that, I just wanted to get through the afternoon. We didnt know going in but the place was exorbitant and the bill was outrageous. But my parents always insist on covering me and my guests, all my life. Its their thing. I told my gf in advance. Well, she took my loud, crass behavior to heart and really lost it when she realized how much the bill was and was mortified that she didnt have enough. I knew my parents had it taken care of but she got me so nervous, I checked with them anyway. They had it covered. It didnt matter. My gf lost it in the car. Broke down crying. I have a hard time with contact anxiety. If she gets upset, I get upset. Especially when theres nothing I could have done about it. I didnt want to be there in the first place. She couldnt roll with it. She ignored my msgs for the rest of the night. I woke up at 5AM and couldnt get back to sleep.

Later in the day, I saw a movie and was feeling better. When I get back to my car, I get a delayed delivery of 13 messages from the night before through the day. Her cellphone does that sometimes. I get upset all over again and before I know it, Im crying into her voicemail. I hadnt eaten all day and hadnt taken my meds. I tried in vain to explain that there was nothing I could do and that she just needs to roll with it but all I was getting was everything I did wrong and how mortified she was and how its not normal to cover someone for that much money. And me back with explanations that thats how things are with my family and theyre just different. She wont hear it. She argues to argue and she argues to win. So Im all sobbed out today. And that text message is buried deep in my core. I type this much and yet still feel like I havent said anything.

John

 
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:19 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: CT. USA
Posts: 203
caitlin122 HB User
Re: I hope Im still welcome...

John,
You are always welcome here. I'm sorry you went through that today. Today has been a day of sobs for me too. I lost my job a month ago, and just yesterday my boyfriend of 5 years, who I have been living with for 2 years, packed his stuff and left. No goodbye to me or my 6 year old daughter. And now since he left I can't afford my apartment. So I've lost my job, my boyfriend who I had planned on spending the rest of my life with, and my apartment. I'm so miserable today. I hurt so bad, emotionally and physically. I can understand how you are feeling. Arguements can be so hard, especially on us who are bipolar. We are already so much more emotional than normal people. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. It's not fun, ever, but sometimes we have to suck it up and say sorry even when we didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I'm not much help here, I'm just so devestated and distraught right now I really don't know what else to say.

 
Old 04-14-2009, 12:56 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 680
irishwriter HB User
Re: I hope Im still welcome...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwilkey View Post
... I know my last appearance on these boards was not well-received but a number of you seemed to remember I was much more helpful when responding to others. My own posts, while well-intentioned, just didnt come out right. And I apologize for that and am grateful for the understanding I have received from some of you. Which brings me to my first post in some time. And no, its not to preach. It IS seeking help. Let me start with a text message I sent my girlfriend earlier today:

I can't freak out. I can't please everybody. And I certainly can't win. I'm not accepted. Im not trusted. I have no family. Im a ****** mistake and an alien.

I am bipolar, first off. I seem to forget or assume thats known. Yesterday was not just Easter. It was my parents 40th anniversary. A few extended family members invited my parents, me and my girlfriend out for lunch. Thats as much as I knew. I am an only child with a "Weddings & Funerals" family. We're not close. We see each other mostly at weddings and funerals and the occasional holiday. My girlfriend has a brother and sister and sees her family on a weekly basis. My family is loud, freewheeling and a bit loose with money. Hers isnt. We can afford to be because we barely see each other. I tried to prepare her. She knows I dont have a sense of family beyond my parents. I dont know them. I was more concerned with getting off a champagne toast to my parents' anniversary. Other than that, I just wanted to get through the afternoon. We didnt know going in but the place was exorbitant and the bill was outrageous. But my parents always insist on covering me and my guests, all my life. Its their thing. I told my gf in advance. Well, she took my loud, crass behavior to heart and really lost it when she realized how much the bill was and was mortified that she didnt have enough. I knew my parents had it taken care of but she got me so nervous, I checked with them anyway. They had it covered. It didnt matter. My gf lost it in the car. Broke down crying. I have a hard time with contact anxiety. If she gets upset, I get upset. Especially when theres nothing I could have done about it. I didnt want to be there in the first place. She couldnt roll with it. She ignored my msgs for the rest of the night. I woke up at 5AM and couldnt get back to sleep.

Later in the day, I saw a movie and was feeling better. When I get back to my car, I get a delayed delivery of 13 messages from the night before through the day. Her cellphone does that sometimes. I get upset all over again and before I know it, Im crying into her voicemail. I hadnt eaten all day and hadnt taken my meds. I tried in vain to explain that there was nothing I could do and that she just needs to roll with it but all I was getting was everything I did wrong and how mortified she was and how its not normal to cover someone for that much money. And me back with explanations that thats how things are with my family and theyre just different. She wont hear it. She argues to argue and she argues to win. So Im all sobbed out today. And that text message is buried deep in my core. I type this much and yet still feel like I havent said anything.

John
Your family sound just like mine, we meet pretty much for events and there seems to be very little actual caring except for a few of them. i know most of them think i am a failure because i haven't spent my life in pursuit of money but i cant live like they want. of course you are welcome. we all need to vent sometimes. i also have difficulty when someone else gets upset because i blame myself for it and really need them to be more supportive. i am sorry you had such an awful time and i hope you and your girlfriend manage to get through this time. take care of yourself.

iw

 
Old 04-14-2009, 09:32 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,070
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: I hope Im still welcome...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwilkey View Post
... I know my last appearance on these boards was not well-received but a number of you seemed to remember I was much more helpful when responding to others. My own posts, while well-intentioned, just didnt come out right. And I apologize for that and am grateful for the understanding I have received from some of you. Which brings me to my first post in some time. And no, its not to preach. It IS seeking help. Let me start with a text message I sent my girlfriend earlier today:

I can't freak out. I can't please everybody. And I certainly can't win. I'm not accepted. Im not trusted. I have no family. Im a ****** mistake and an alien.

I am bipolar, first off. I seem to forget or assume thats known. Yesterday was not just Easter. It was my parents 40th anniversary. A few extended family members invited my parents, me and my girlfriend out for lunch. Thats as much as I knew. I am an only child with a "Weddings & Funerals" family. We're not close. We see each other mostly at weddings and funerals and the occasional holiday. My girlfriend has a brother and sister and sees her family on a weekly basis. My family is loud, freewheeling and a bit loose with money. Hers isnt. We can afford to be because we barely see each other. I tried to prepare her. She knows I dont have a sense of family beyond my parents. I dont know them. I was more concerned with getting off a champagne toast to my parents' anniversary. Other than that, I just wanted to get through the afternoon. We didnt know going in but the place was exorbitant and the bill was outrageous. But my parents always insist on covering me and my guests, all my life. Its their thing. I told my gf in advance. Well, she took my loud, crass behavior to heart and really lost it when she realized how much the bill was and was mortified that she didnt have enough. I knew my parents had it taken care of but she got me so nervous, I checked with them anyway. They had it covered. It didnt matter. My gf lost it in the car. Broke down crying. I have a hard time with contact anxiety. If she gets upset, I get upset. Especially when theres nothing I could have done about it. I didnt want to be there in the first place. She couldnt roll with it. She ignored my msgs for the rest of the night. I woke up at 5AM and couldnt get back to sleep.

Later in the day, I saw a movie and was feeling better. When I get back to my car, I get a delayed delivery of 13 messages from the night before through the day. Her cellphone does that sometimes. I get upset all over again and before I know it, Im crying into her voicemail. I hadnt eaten all day and hadnt taken my meds. I tried in vain to explain that there was nothing I could do and that she just needs to roll with it but all I was getting was everything I did wrong and how mortified she was and how its not normal to cover someone for that much money. And me back with explanations that thats how things are with my family and theyre just different. She wont hear it. She argues to argue and she argues to win. So Im all sobbed out today. And that text message is buried deep in my core. I type this much and yet still feel like I havent said anything.

John
Why wouldn't you be wanted? I look at it this way, basically we're all nuts and allowed to crack up every once in a while.....heck I do it quite a bit. So hang out, offer your opinions, or ask your advice.

kat

 
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