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Old 04-13-2009, 11:35 PM   #1
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wideawakeinaz HB User
Feeling alone

hi everyone...

I was diagnosed in August that after years of speculation, I was in fact BP II. my primary admitted he wasn't expert on mental health, so I now see a psychariast once a month. he is really good, answers my questions and is the only person in my life who doesn't think I'm crazy.

Everyone in my life (my parents are deceased and i am 35), friends, extended family, even my co-workers all think I'm crazy. If I have a mood change, sometimes, I really am sad about something or sometimes I really am just simply happy, the first question I get is "are you taking your meds?" Yes, im taking my meds, but can't i just feel the emotion im feeling without being made to feel imcompetent???

Today, I felt completely blah. I wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, I wanted to throw things, it was like an episode wanted to come out, but didn't, like I finally learned to restrain myself. but to explain to the people closest to me, what I feel, they dont' understand at all. In fact, today I was told I should see my doctor, which I am in 2 weeks.

I just feel so alone. I can't really talk to anyone, because they just dont have a clue. Im tired of them all walking on eggshells, afraid I will snap at any minute. If i do snap, I do notice my episodes don't seem to be as severe or as long as they used to be. today i just sat at my desk at work and just cried for a few minutes. I have no reason why, I just felt the need the cry. then one of the girls I feel I can trust at work, asked me the same question about my medications.

anyways, i really don't have any questions, just wanted to let this out, because i know you all do understand what it is that i'm feeling in some way. I just wish I could stop feeling like I have to defend myself, that I have to convince people...i am human. Yes, I am BP, but I am human and i do feel sad and happy, without having an episode. Im tried of being treated like i have the plague, because no one thinks I can be upset about something.

I wish I could make them all understand what it is that i go through and instead of being so nervous around me, I wish they could all just love me, support me and just be there for me. I know I'll never be episode free and I do understand their concern, but it just makes me feel even sadder that I don't think i'll ever be treated like a normal person again.

anyways, thanks for listening. I had a rough day today. I just am happy it's over. Actually had a rough 4 days, but hopefully things will be better now that i just let this out of me. again, thanks for listening.

Charlene

 
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Old 04-14-2009, 12:39 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 680
irishwriter HB User
Re: Feeling alone

hi wideawake, most people haven't a clue, maybe you could give some books to those close to you to help them realise it is a disease like diabetes or asthma or any other serious illness that you have to live with. thought i'd share some of the inane things that have been said to me.

‘You just need to cheer up’
‘How could you be depressed and the lovely figure on you and your lovely new dresses’
‘God is good and never gives us more than we can deal with’
How aaare you?
Have you taken your meds?
Do the meds not work yet?
Have you spoken to your psychiatrist?
Why aren’t you in hospital?
Ah you’ll be grand; you just need to keep busy.

after my last suicide failure i could see my family looking at me to see if i was 'fixed' so i just acted happy and came back home. it was pointless to try to get them to understand. loads of support here so come on and vent any time you feel like it.

iw

 
Old 04-14-2009, 04:45 AM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
lostgrandma HB User
Re: Feeling alone

I completely understand ALONE!

I have been alone physically and emotionally with both a degenerative neurological disease and severe depression for the better part of 21 years. My family...mostly my oldest daughter and her husband...consider me off-balance and a safety risk.

My oldest daughter, who I see weekly or biweekly, likes to ask, "have you told 'Dr. Jim' about this?" Her way of saying don't talk to me about it and making sure someone else does know.

 
Old 04-14-2009, 07:08 PM   #4
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Location: NJ
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wilkdawg HB User
Re: Feeling alone

What is it, 90% of the human brain still not explained? That was the last figure I heard. The irony is that we who have this disorder are forced to go to lengths and depths very few would go to willingly. Oddly enough, I was always like that but after my breakdown and diagnosis at 17, it became a matter of survival. You are the strong one. You are the survivor. I find my rage aimed at most people for their revelry in oblivion. Their mind is part of a collective. Vague cliches, trite pop songs and morons on TV provide them with satisfaction. It may not be their fault but I cant help resenting them for their so-called normalcy. But at other times,Im just damn pleased to not be them, even if it means having this pain and anguish. But I have suffered as you haved, you are not alone. We're warriors, my friend. No one around you may grasp it, but there are others fighting their fights as you fight yours. Be well.

Your friend,

John

 
Old 04-14-2009, 11:01 PM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Alabama Georgia USA
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evangeline11 HB User
Re: Feeling alone

I have heard all those comments repeatedly as well! How about when in the depths of depression you hear - you just need to try harder and force yourself to get up - or - you're just being lazy - or - your taking the easy way out by laying around all day - or - I dont even want to come home when your like this -
Its so hard to make my husband understand or have a little compassion. He's been with me for 10 yrs, long before my diagnosis, so he's seen it all. Its like he thinks I should be "cured" by now. It makes me want to scream.

 
Old 04-14-2009, 11:06 PM   #6
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evangeline11 HB User
Re: Feeling alone

Been there a lot! Its sad, but BP and mental illness in general still have such a stigma that people WILL see you differently once they know. I have mostly stopped telling people. Especially at work. Just been burned by it too many times. I really wish I had never even told my family or in laws. They mean well, but they can make it so much worse with their comments. My mom feels responsible that she never saw it in my teens and blames herself since many believe it is somewhat related to genetics.

My suggestion is to keep it a little more private in the future and then hopefully people wont be on eggshells and assuming every emotion is leading to an outburst.

 
Old 04-15-2009, 12:24 AM   #7
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irishwriter HB User
Re: Feeling alone

i agree about family lack of understanding, i have a brother who completed suicide six years ago and i thought things would change, i stil remember them saying 'he really needs to 'cop himself on' 'he needs to get out and get a job (he fell of scaffolding in US when he worked there and was in severe pain all the time). yet today there are still several of us with various tyes of depression, one sister with major depression who for the last six/seven months has been pretty much unable to do a whole lot and lost her job because of it and they still say 'she just needs to get out and about and get a job and get over it' if only it were that simple. most of them (four brothers and seven sisters and two oblivious parents) still do not want to talk about it and do not understand. as said i wish they didn't know. after my last suicide failure one of my sisters took it upon herself to tell them all and then they just kept checking to see if i was 'fixed'. now i pretend to be 'fine' any time i see them even though they can see the scars on my arm and know that things are difficult for me. help is not forthcoming. i guess like most of us i rely on help on sites like this which keep me going most days.

 
Old 04-15-2009, 10:56 PM   #8
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evangeline11 HB User
Re: Feeling alone

thank you so much for that. I wondered if anyone woud agree or have the same experience about telling their families. I also told my parents--- after going off meds and drinking a lot of beer all summer--- that the police were at our house & I had an affair so someone must have called the police. Oh I just cringe when I think about it. They were so judgemental and I was just blindsided by it. I knew it was wrong. I was out of control & thats not a valid excuse, but if my husband can be trying to forgive and move past it-- why is my mom telling him I dont know how you have put up with everything she's put you through since being hospitalized. Wow. I was shocked.

Anyway, glad I'm not the only one whose had regrets about telling people you should be able to trust the most

 
Old 04-16-2009, 02:19 AM   #9
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irishwriter HB User
Re: Feeling alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by evangeline11 View Post
thank you so much for that. I wondered if anyone woud agree or have the same experience about telling their families. I also told my parents--- after going off meds and drinking a lot of beer all summer--- that the police were at our house & I had an affair so someone must have called the police. Oh I just cringe when I think about it. They were so judgemental and I was just blindsided by it. I knew it was wrong. I was out of control & thats not a valid excuse, but if my husband can be trying to forgive and move past it-- why is my mom telling him I dont know how you have put up with everything she's put you through since being hospitalized. Wow. I was shocked.

Anyway, glad I'm not the only one whose had regrets about telling people you should be able to trust the most
I think the judgement is the most difficult to deal with when they don't bother to try to understand this this is an illness like any other.

 
Old 04-16-2009, 03:59 PM   #10
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wilkdawg HB User
Re: Feeling alone

i can personally testify to the fact that even when you do manage to get yourself up and manage a life, you will always be the best if not the only support you receive. You have to sponsor yourself. Reward yourself. Talk yourself up. People may try but they just dont have the experience or vocabulary. You'll stand alone. You and your voice. And when I say reward yourself, I mean you give yourself all the slack, the space, the breaks you feel you deserve. And I know all that is easier said than done. But if you found your way to this message board, that's not just a need for help from others. That shows the impetus to seek help. A big step in the right direction.

John

 
Old 04-16-2009, 04:23 PM   #11
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evangeline11 HB User
Re: Feeling alone

Thank you for your response! I was just telling my mom that I need some mantras to say to myself, even outloud, when I start feeling that way to motivate me. You provided some great ones! And you are absolutely right about yourself being the only support at times. I just never felt I could help myself, always needed outside influence. But as the people closest to me have proven unable/ unwilling to offer encouragement, etc-- I am finally realizing I have to equip myself with the tools and attitude and confidence to help myself. Its sad that it has taken so long to realize that.

Not wanting to offend anyone with my opinion-- but truly the only thing that will never let you down or dissapoint you is God- or some type of spirituality. We know others let us down ---we get dissapointed in our failures--- the meds or docs dont work, but He is always there to rely on.

 
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