| | cyclothymic...a new word for me
And I am lost in the sense that I feel I am in a limbo place...this is long, which I didn't anticipate, but I needed to "vent" and cry a bit...
I am new to this board and hope to find some common ground with others like me.
In 2008, I was hospitalized for severe depression for five weeks. In that period of time I experienced approximately 10 ECT. My oldest daughter
Over the past year I have been seeing both a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist (for medication purposes) periodically. I have not liked my latter at all...does not listen and is more concerned about completing the required form than in listening to me. So, moving my home recently provided me the opportunity to seek out a new psychiatrist. I am very apprehensive to change docs, since it is so hard to know which one is the right one for me, but I changed for the reasons stated.
I had my first visit, an introductory visit, with the new doc last week. It was a good visit and I felt comfortable with her by the time I left the office.
I have been concerned for many years now that I am developing my father's Bipolar disorder, he is a Bipolar I, and as children my sisters and I, and my mother, had to deal with his behavior and the ramifications of his behavior...none of it good.
So, when the word cyclothymic was added to the discussion as a possibility for me, I was surprised, but not surprised. Now that it has sunk in and I have read online about cyclothymic I see myself in there. I have degenerative neurological disease and have also read online in abstract form that bipolar and my disease can be connected, especially if there is a first-generation relative.
Hey, my mother has always said, "you are your father's daughter" in reference to my personality and appearance.
Where I become lost is this... After my second hospitalization last year (both were emergency conditions; no planning ahead), my oldest daughter and her husband removed me from all grandmother duties. I was told it was because I was unreliable and undependable three times in 2008 and since my son in law could not count on me to follow through with my "duties" he has taken over these duties, a severe hardship for him. I was also told that I cause undue stress to the kids. I could visit on the weekends, but I was not going to be able to return to after-school pickup, etc. At first I was very angry, but with the help of my therapist I have overcome this and found somewhat a sense of peace with this...not that from time to time I don't get angry all over again. So, today I when I am over there I watched while the two of them had conversations with the other grandmother with me in the room. I hate the bond they have developed, and the bond that the kids have developed with the other grandmother, and feel grossly left out of the picture.
If I had had a sudden heart attack, would this have been acceptable behavior for me?
This past weekend, I was asked to spend one night in partnership with the other grandmother. She is not able to do the stairs to the second floor, so I am called into duty. My youngest three grandchildren are in this household and the youngest of them is autistic, so vigilance over him can be a full-time job in and of itself.
I had a difficult time on Saturday in particular, I hollered at the children for some reason which escapes me now. Sometimes the chaotic atmosphere gets to me and I can't handle it...the speed of activity is too fast for me to mentally deal with...if this makes sense. I can go from peaceful to irritable rapidly, not a good thing for a grandmother. I also am severely fatigued (neuro disease, meds, whatever) and usually fall asleep on the sofa for a period of time in the afternoons, so it is good that we partner when my daughter and son in law go out of town.
Where am I going from here? Am I truly a safety risk for my younger grandchildren? Good thing I have a psychologist visit today.
I don't want to become the evil grandmother I am slowly turning into, but I don't see a way out. This is not the way I care to have my grandchildren remember me. The new psych did talk of adding a new med, but the name escapes me at the moment.