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bipolar and clueless...

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Old 04-27-2009, 12:09 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: state college, pa
Posts: 1
mandersmcphee HB User
Question bipolar and clueless...

hi, all.
this is my first post, so i'd like to wish you all a big hooooowwdy and thanks in advance for your help. i recently signed up for these boards because i've decided enough is enough and that there must be something pathological going on with me. for as long as i can remember, i've been the postergirl for hilarity and endless energy, fearless in any occasion, brimming with humor and goodwill and operable on only 3 hours of sleep. until one day when i was an undergrad and things got a little bit suicidal. thankfully, there was a hitch and i'm proud to say i'm still here today, but as usual, i've let myself get carried away with a million other activities since, as an excuse not to get help, because how could my whole m.o. since birth be wrong?

i'm now in graduate school, and have been more or less *myself* for the past few years, until just recently, when a whole bunch of not-so-smiley things conspired at once to drive me fantastically over the edge. a week ago, i could feel myself slipping away for good. i sat in bed and cried for hours, drove to remote places and wailed over the radio until i barely had the energy to drive home, even wrote a suicide note and started hoarding pills from my roommates. thank god it's the end of the semester, because as classes wind to an end, i can feel that noose (and there are several) slowly starting to loosen (although never entirely). i've never said anything about this to my parents--they think i'm just happy to be on the go-go-go at breakneck speed and i don't want to worry them. but recently at a party, this professor i know who has been diagnosed with it herself intimated to me that i could "get help for what i have" and that "it's really no big deal," never saying what it was she was actually referring to. that got me to thinking that there might be something wrong with me again, and the more i google, the more all the indicators seem to point to bipolar.

i guess i'm ready to seek out help, whatever that means, but i'm partially in denial because i don't want to admit that there's anything wrong, since it would be a huge blow to my pride and i seem to usually be able to corral my fits around mandatory moments of teaching and studying. my only problem is that when i'm free, i go compleeeetely and inexplicably hogwild. furthermore, if this woman could see it while i couldn't, then so could a million other of my friends and acquaintances, and that makes me feel like an idiot for being so unsuspecting. i want to ask her if this is what she meant or if she was just being general, but i'm afraid that she'll think i want something from her--like for her to help me or hold my hand or tell everybody on the sly to be nice to me--but i don't. i just want to make sure i'm on the same page so i don't look even more clueless when i finally force myself to take the next step,and maybe know that, if push comes to shove, i'm not entirely alone. i can't believe i've been this deluded for so long. what do you guys make of the sitch?

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Old 04-27-2009, 12:29 AM   #2
dreams in neon
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,182
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: bipolar and clueless...

Welcome to the board!

The first thing I would suggest is that you see a pdoc (psychiatrist) to be evaluated. If you do have bipolar, they can put you on a med regimen to help control your mania and depression.

As far as not recognizing the fact that you have bipolar, this happens to many people. It happened to me in 2006 after my first manic/psychotic episode. I can still remember my sister shaking me and asking, "What's wrong with you???" to which I said "Nothing" because that is exactly what I believed.

How wrong I was. I was hearing up to 20 different voices and I had 7 different types of paranoia. I was also extremely confused, manic and combative.

It has been a long road to recovery for me, but I'm doing so much better ever since I started seeing a new pdoc who put me on a great med regimen. My moods are starting to stabilize and I haven't been rapid cycling, manic, depressed or psychotic in quite awhile.

If it turns out that you do have bipolar, you'll feel so much better when you can be put on an appropriate med combo. What works well for one person may not work for another and it may take some time before you notice a difference in how you feel.

However, if you are patient, the wait will definitely be worth it.
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 12:31 AM.

Old 04-27-2009, 10:20 AM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,063
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: bipolar and clueless...

Welcome to our little comunity.

Well we aren't doctors here and can't diagnose you, but it sure sound like an evaluation by a Psychiatrst would not be abad thing for you.

If you did happen to have some form of BP, because they're are several, then they could set up a treatment plan. There are also different types of treatment plans, I myself think that a combination of meds and therapy is the best way to go, mainly because if you don't have someone to get all the crap that's in your head out to, it just gets worse.

If you were to be put on meds, one thing that you need to understand is that it's not an immediate fix, sometimes it takes a while to get it right, but you just have to ride it through and not give up. I've had to have many med changes and currently my cocktail includes 7 meds, but I have multiple diagnosis'.

One other thing, as you get older, especially in females, BiPolar is shown to get worse, so if you have BP,this may be why people are starting to notice it now that may not have noticed it before.

Once again all this is just speculation, and until you see a psychiatrist and get a firm diagnosis you won't know what the course of treatment will be. But I would definitely go for that eval. soon.

Good Luck with everything and let us know how you do.


Old 04-27-2009, 01:15 PM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Grand Rapids, MI USA
Posts: 142
klyn07 HB User
Re: bipolar and clueless...

Get yourself to a pdoc right away. It is hard to say all of the things that you think and feel to a complete stranger, but worth it when you get a diagnosis and can begin treatment. I am on several meds and it took quite some time to find the right combo. Therapy has made a huge difference for me too. It has given me so many coping skills and the neutral ear to hear me out has been invaluable.

I wish you all the best and hope you come back to let us all know how things are going.

Old 04-27-2009, 01:45 PM   #5
dreams in neon
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 4,182
dreams in neon HB Userdreams in neon HB User
Re: bipolar and clueless...

Just a suggestion. When you see a pdoc, be sure to write down all of your symptoms as well as any questions you may have. This will allow him or her to notice any patterns in your behavior and give you the oppotunity to ask questions you may either forget or be unable to cover due to lack of time.
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Old 04-27-2009, 08:23 PM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: CT. USA
Posts: 203
caitlin122 HB User
Re: bipolar and clueless...

Welcome to the board. You will find great advice and support here to help you learn along your way. I can totally understand about taking a huge blow to your self image. I had a very hard time accepting that something was "wrong" with me. I felt like a failure, like it was my fault. But the more I educated myself, the more I realized, it's a chemical imbalance. There isn't anything I cold have done differently not to be bipolar. Look at it like a medical condition like diabetes. It's a chemical imbalance which you have no control over getting it. But you do have control over how you treat it. It's great that your ready to get help. That first step is the biggest. It will be very hard for you for a while to accept this. There will be times when you'll go back into denial, but you will accept it one day, and you'll be okay with it one day. I'm telling, being bipolar, I feel really does make us stronger people. What we go through on a daily basis makes us so much stronger than "normal" people. We don't deal with normal situations as well as other people do, but I really feel we do become stronger after each event we go through. Definitely get set up with a good tdoc and pdoc, start trying to find the right med combo that will work for you, and definitely keep posting here. This board has been a god send for me. The support and advice I have gotten here has been absolutely amazing, and has really gotten me through some hard times. Keep us posted, and please come to any of us for advice, support, or even just to rant to get things off your chest. The worst thing you could do is keep inside your feelings, and go through this alons.

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