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Old 04-27-2009, 07:21 AM   #1
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writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

Ever feel like there's nothing new to write on the boards and think it isnt worth writing unless you have something interesting to say? you're probably a writer. or some kind of artist or creative person. Like me. God help me, Im an English teacher, a writer and a musician. But when I need to express how Im feeling, I need to bypass all that. It's tough. Im running out of friends and my girlfriend doesnt deserve to be the sole recipient of all my ****. she loves me and is there for me as much as she can be. But Im currently creatively stalled, so no expression there. Im dealing with a falling out between my lifelong best friend and myself. Ive said and written everything I can and he wont respond.

well, look at that, Im writing. my appreciation for this board is strong. it really is becoming a respite for me. and there are very amazing people on here. im at work. i made it. i wasnt sure this morning. Sometimes these kids hold me up and they dont know it.

im soul-tired. you know what i mean? my soul is tired. we don't have to be suicidal to occasionally arrive at the thought that people would only appreciate us if we were to die. i sometimes arrive at that conclusion with certainty. Fortunately, I learned to diminish any need for outside support for my ultimate survival. Dont get me wrong, I am totally capable of reaching out and accepting help from others. But I couldn't leave myself unequipped for total despair and isolation. I have laid quite a bit of tracks straight into my heart, my willpower and my lifeforce. When the world fails me, I can go within and hide or recharge. But when my soul is tired, thats my fuel and it's low. So I drift. Like a ghost.

im stuck at my house. A few years ago, I lived by myself and on my own successfully for a year. Not bad when I think about it, for someone like me. And when I left, it wasnt due to any real failure. I just wasn't getting anywhere money-wise. That was maybe 3 or 4 years ago. I moved back home so that I could get some help from my parents and try againg. Now i cant get out. Accepting my mother's help is like the CIA installing a dictator to implement some radical economic stiumulus but then proving unable to remove that dictator. The dictator wont give up the slot. Great analogy, huh? Comparing my mother to a dictator? Im 30 years old. Im about to finish my first full year of teaching. Im about to get my standard license. I just want to get out and start fresh under my own auspices. I know that if I stay and accept my mother's master plan, I may be successful. But I cant stand it anymore. Even if it inconveniences me at first, I can start budgeting and saving on my own. I prefer it, even if I suck at it.

OK Im done.


John

 
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Old 04-27-2009, 10:04 AM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

John,

I understand the not being able to come up with a "writable" thought. Since losing my job at the end of February I contract for a friend who runs a web hosting business to write SRO Articles and Press Releases for the Internet. Some days the words flow onto the screen, with no problem. Others I sit and stare at the screen, not undestanding why I can't simply pound out a 600 word article. The thought process shuts down and all creativity goes out the window. But come to the board and I can put my thoughts down easily. I can convese with my friends, I can offer advice on past or current treatmnents and medications, rather easily...why this is, I have no idea most likely never will.

As for getting out of your mother's home, the only way to do it is to just Do It, go, leave.... I have been married for21 years and moved straight from my parents home to my marriage home, then lived with an abusive man for the last 10 years. It took a long time toget the courage to leave, but one day I finally did. And living by myself for the first time ever, I just cannot explain how much I love it. The freedom to do as I please, cook what I want, decorate and clean as I want, just me and my son. I realize our situations are different, but still if you don't make the leap and leave, you may very well end up staying forever.

Kat

 
Old 04-27-2009, 11:40 AM   #3
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Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

I'm a writer myself.

In fact, I'm currently writing a book about my experiences with bipolar and psychosis.

I don't seem to have any problem posting my thoughts here on the board. The words come naturally. They always have for as long as I can remember.

Then again, it doesn't help that I still hear the voices of my 7th and 11th grade Honors English teachers say "Sloppy writing is indicative of a sloppy mind" and "If you can't write anything worth reading, don't write anything at all" after 20+ years.

The only time I struggle with writing is when I'm severely depressed or am having racing thoughts due to mania. I also can't write when my auditory hallucinations are very loud and angry.

As for knowing what to say in a post, I have no difficulty with that either. I love supporting others on the board, sharing information I have about meds, treatments in general, therapy, etc. as well as my own experiences. If truth be told, I think that's probably what makes writing so easy for me.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 04-27-2009, 07:55 PM   #4
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Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

John
I know how you feel being stuck in a rut. It can be very frustrating at times, and sometimes the only thing that helps is for time to pass. I have this probelm with school. I'm finishing my degree online. I'm a psych major, so I have to write many papers about psychology related issues. You'd think, easy right? I mean after all I lived psychology ever since I was diagnosed. But if I'm not in the right frame of mind, my papers become so challening to write. I can also understand your frustration about your mother. I am 27, and me and my 6 year old daughter will be moving back in with my parents in 2 months. And I totally get what you mean about the dictator. My mom has taken over my finances, which I really needed her to do, but it's an adjustment not having a check book or debit card with me where I can go get what I want whenever. Which I shouldn't be doing anyways, which I why I got into money problems in the first place. Whenever I'm manic, I'll go buy frivalous things on a whim, open up lines of credit to get what I want, and spend money I truly don't have. It's a huge relief having her help with my finances, just hard to get used to. I agree with Kat. Make that leap, and go for it. The worst that could happend, is you find out you can't afford living by youself yet, and you move back in. But you'll never know till you give it a try.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 06:00 AM   #5
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wilkdawg HB User
Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

Im really starting to get comfortable on here. And I admire the stories of survival I encounter here. And the advice of taking control and getting out is certainly what I have in mind. Thanks again.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 07:33 AM   #6
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caitlin122 HB User
Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

I'm glad you find this forum helpful and supportive. I too have come to really appreciate this board, and all who support and help me. I also love being able to offer support and help when I can. It makes me feel useful, when I'm feel completely un-useful at home.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 12:06 PM   #7
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Re: writing vs. posting: being creative AND bipolar

John,

Im glad you feel comfortable with us. I also enjoy your input here, your writing is always interesting and you contribute valuable information for all of us.

kat

 
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