Earlier I called her in a rant because I couldn't get my computer printer to work and it caused me to start rapid cycling into agitation.
When I spoke to her tonight, I explained that I was able to get the printer up and running. Her response was to ask me how I reacted. "Did you throw or hit anything?"
I said "Yes. I banged my fist against my computer desk and then I threw a stapler across the room."
She then asked me, "Did you hurt your hand?"
I said no because I hit the desk with a closed fist.
She then replied "We all get upset and situations like that make us angry."
I told her "No, not like the way I reacted. The reason I reacted the way I did was because of my bipolar. I never used to act this way in my teens." *sigh*
I wish my sister would understand what I go through with this disorder and that it *isn't* something that "everyone else goes through."
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battle in educating my sister about bipolar. Just when I think I've helped her understand some aspect of my illness, she ends up saying things like she did tonight. It's frustrating and I'm starting to feel like not responding to anything she says at all. It's just not worth it.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Unfortunately some people will just never get it. They may begin to understand, but it is so deeply rooted in their brains that psychological problems can be controlled with willpower, and they thing eventually they will go away. It sucks for people like us, who need our loved ones to understand; we end up on the losing end because sometimes these people leave us for good because of how much they just don't understand...such as my ex boyfriend. It's truly sad that no matter how much you educate people, they still don't get it. I think with my ex he just didn't care enough to listen when I spoke, and he wouldn't take any of my suggestions for helping him to understand, like reading a book or two on bipolar. He didn't want to understand, he just wanted to take the easy route and leave and never have to deal with it again. I'm sorry Dreams about your sister. I know how frustrating it is for you to have these converstations and you just want to scream. Hopefully over time with more and more info from you, she'll really start to understand or at least grasp the concept somewhat. Hang in there...
I'm sorry about what happened between you and your boyfriend. You're exactly right about how frustrating it is when people don't understand bipolar.
I guess the one good thing in all of this is the fact that my sister no longer denies I have bipolar. It took her 2 years before finally believing my diagnosis. She found herself on the receiving end of my rapid cycling and saw me in quite a few manic states, so she could clearly tell I have bipolar.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
I know what its like to have people close to you who don't understand what your going through. Even the teachers at school still don't understand. They always ask me why your not sitting with the other students but they don't understand though why I don't do this. I keep telling them why but it just doesn't seem to sink into there heads. Its not just the anxiety its the fact that they won't like me. And then my two brothers who keep making fun of you saying well Ben you must have hallucinated, there is nobody judging you in the restaurant, you must be hearing things. Even my younger brother who has psychosis himself does this.
But the one thing that I have to say is that if we keep on blaming our actions on the disorder it is not going to help one bit. We just have to keep challenging ourselves every day.
Coming out of denial is definately the first step towards accepntance. She'll get there one day. I'm sure she loves you enough to to try her best to understand. Coming out of denial and acknowleding that it's a real problem is oftern the biggest step for people. good luck and definately keep us posted, or just rant if you need to. sometimes just getting things off your chest is more therapeutic than we realize. and thank you for saying sorry about my ex. I had a real hard time for a week and a half after he left, but then my mindset changed and I realized I don't want him if he didn't care enough to educate himself and help me. i desrve better. i deserve someone who will want to help me through my bad times, instead of blame me. it's been the most freeing thought i've had since he left me. his loss, not mine...
You know its too bad that people don't get educated in highschool about mental health, it might give everyone a better understanding of what people like us go through every day of our lives.
I know what its like to have people close to you who don't understand what your going through. Even the teachers at school still don't understand. They always ask me why your not sitting with the other students but they don't understand though why I don't do this. I keep telling them why but it just doesn't seem to sink into there heads. Its not just the anxiety its the fact that they won't like me. And then my two brothers who keep making fun of you saying well Ben you must have hallucinated, there is nobody judging you in the restaurant, you must be hearing things. Even my younger brother who has psychosis himself does this.
But the one thing that I have to say is that if we keep on blaming our actions on the disorder it is not going to help one bit. We just have to keep challenging ourselves every day.
The reason why I blame my actions on bipolar is because I wouldn't act this way if I weren't bipolar. I *never* used to fly off the handle when something would irritate me. Instead, I'd laugh it off. I don't know how to do that anymore. I can't change my anger because I don't know how. My tdoc and I are planning to work on some anger management techniques, so I'm hoping that will help. Otherwise, you can't expect someone to change if they don't know how.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 08:38 PM.
Coming out of denial is definately the first step towards accepntance. She'll get there one day. I'm sure she loves you enough to to try her best to understand. Coming out of denial and acknowleding that it's a real problem is oftern the biggest step for people. good luck and definately keep us posted, or just rant if you need to. sometimes just getting things off your chest is more therapeutic than we realize. and thank you for saying sorry about my ex. I had a real hard time for a week and a half after he left, but then my mindset changed and I realized I don't want him if he didn't care enough to educate himself and help me. i desrve better. i deserve someone who will want to help me through my bad times, instead of blame me. it's been the most freeing thought i've had since he left me. his loss, not mine...
You're exactly right. You *do* deserve someone better than your ex. You deserve to be loved just like anyone else and I'm glad you now have a different attitude as far as he is concerned.
As for my sister, I know it will probably take time before she fully understands bipolar -- or understands 50% of what I go through. She's trying and I know that, but it's frustrating when I think she's beginning to get the picture, but then asks me a question like "Why do you feel the way you do?" and then I have to explain that sometimes I just don't know and there isn't always a reason why I feel the way I do.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 08:42 PM.
Tell us how your appointment will go on May 5th I think it is. Sorry if I'm wrong. Your right its impossible to change if you don't know how.
It's okay Ben. Once I learn how to deal with my anger, I can start to react in a healthier way to things that upset me. My tdoc also told me that alot of my anger issues are due to learned behaviors from my parents. My parents used to get upset at the smallest things and my father used to hit me constantly. The only habit I haven't picked up from them is swearing. I had a strong Catholic upbringing since age 5 and have always been taught not to curse. (Having said that, I don't criticize people who do.)
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 08:46 PM.
Thanks Ben. Hopefully he's rotting in h*ll for all of the awful things he did to me. He passed away in 1999 yet I do not miss him nor have I ever grieved for him. I'm glad he's out of my life.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
I also wanted to add that my father is lucky he isn't alive because if he were, I'd find a way to make him suffer all of the things I did -- only 1,000x worse.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Tell us how your appointment will go on May 5th I think it is.
Yes, my next appointment with my tdoc is on May 5th. I normally see him once/week, but due to a full schedule, I couldn't see him until then.
However, I'm doing well mood-wise and haven't been rapid cycling until today.
Speaking of which, on second thought, I don't know if how I reacted earlier would be considered rapid cycling. I was clearly upset by my computer printer not working, but as soon as I was able to fix the problem, my mood was fine. It may have been frustration and nothing more.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
I'm glad you think that way dreams, sometimes its best not to assume the worst. So would it be fair to say 11 days and counting still of not rapid cycling?
I'm glad you think that way dreams, sometimes its best not to assume the worst. So would it be fair to say 11 days and counting still of not rapid cycling?
You bet! I even changed the information on my mood chart accordingly. I originally rated my irritability level as moderate, but changed it to "baseline" (i.e. normal mood) since it was clearly an overreaction on my part.
I'm able to tell when I'm rapid cycling and now that I think about it, I don't think I was.
Thanks to you and caitlin for understanding. Your posts made me feel alot better tonight!
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 09:13 PM.
A mood chart, interesting thing to do. I keep a journal myself and right down all of my moods, anxiety levels, and psychosis or suspected psychosis or anything bizarre or frightening. I show it every week to my nurse and once to my psychiatrist but I will never show it to my pdoc again. He almost made another diagnosis last time I saw him and showed it to him. I don't know whether this is wrong of me to do but I really don't want to be labelled again. If you don't mind me asking what else do you record? You don't have to answer.
A mood chart, interesting thing to do. I keep a journal myself and right down all of my moods, anxiety levels, and psychosis or suspected psychosis or anything bizarre or frightening. I show it every week to my nurse and once to my psychiatrist but I will never show it to my pdoc again. He almost made another diagnosis last time I saw him and showed it to him. I don't know whether this is wrong of me to do but I really don't want to be labelled again. If you don't mind me asking what else do you record? You don't have to answer.
The mood chart I use indicates sleep patterns, anxiety levels, mania/depression (mild, moderate, severely elevated mood and mild, moderate, severely depressed mood), hours/night that you sleep as well as whether or not you took your meds.
In the journal section, I write about how I felt when I woke up, how many hours of sleep I had, whether or not I ate during the day, how my mood was for the majority of the day and any changes in mood that occur from the time I input this information until the time I go to bed.
I also note any voices, delusions and paranoia. Since I've been in Risperdal and haven't had any problems with this, I haven't had to include any notations in my journal entries.
If I indicate that I'm severely irritated, I will explain the reason why. Twice this month I was extremely irritable. One time was due to a bad headache and the other was because my tinnitus was acting up.
My pdoc and tdoc both think it's a wonderful idea for me to share my mood chart. My pdoc will not diagnose me with anything besides atypical bipolar 1 with rapid cycling because there is no reason to. The only purpose of the chart is to see how well my meds are working and to make further adjustments if needed.
To be honest, I don't see how a pdoc could give you another diagnosis simply by looking at a mood chart unless it showed signs of consistent depression and irritability in which case you could be diagnosed with agitated depression.
However, that would be an exception and not the rule.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 09:47 PM.
This may be a long shot, but I'm going to ask my sister if she would be willing to attend one of my therapy sessions. Perhaps my tdoc can help explain some of the things I go through in regards to bipolar. I could also ask her to do the same with my pdoc. We'll see. It can't hurt to ask.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN
Last edited by dreams in neon; 04-27-2009 at 09:57 PM.
Well I usually write a lot about the anxiety and feelings towards being in social situations. Its hard to explain really, based on what I wrote my pdoc felt that discussing about avpd would be something to bring up. My mother brought it up as well when she asked if I could step outside for a couple minutes. I'm not doing that again. Personally I think that I'm just suffering with lack of self confidence which could explain the avoidant personality traits.
I even changed the information on my mood chart accordingly. I originally rated my irritability level as moderate, but changed it to "baseline" (i.e. normal mood) since it was clearly an overreaction on my part.
