nicd2001

Hi all.

Still not convinced that BP is right with me. I wrote down a list of my symptoms to take to my pdoc, because last time I saw him when he prescribed me Depakote, I was very depressed and I have difficuly verbalising things at the best of times. I'm going to read this to him next time I see him. You guys seem to know more than me. I know you're not docs but what do you think? Let me know...

periods of sudden, dramatic mood swings:

Depression, sometimes only a few days, Sometimes a few weeks or more.

Unusualy Happy. Sometimes a few hours, sometimes days or weeks.

When "down": Suicidal thoughts, isolation, paranoia, urge to self harm, difficulty talking to people, hopelessness,
helplessness. need attention. Actual self harm.

when "up": More energy, talkative, inapropriot humour, more animated, creative, feel really excited,
have big ideas, grandiouse. run around, high sex drive, want to show off, not scared to offend or be contoversial.
need to shock people. belief that i am or am going to be famous
rushing like mild ecstacy. want to share my ideas
with people and i want them to agree that i am brilliant. obsessed with god, occasionaly delusional. need
to write things down. obsess about certain subjects (physics, ufos, conspiracies), dance, sing, pull dangerous
stunts (occasioanly)

all the time both up and down and normal:
Gaze into space, cant focus for long, obsessed with image
obsessed with girls, plan conversations i'm going to have. Obsessed with what people think of me. believe i know what people think of me and that they want to hurt me,
difficuly sleeping. difficulty getting to know people. scared of some people. obsessive. fascinated by death and gore.
look at bodies, executions, accidents, gore on internet. Get frustrated at my own thoughts, it feels like they are not mine,
thoughts of hitting/hurting people (urges) same for kissing them etc. (i get frustrated and angry at these because i know that i
don't want to do it.). irritated by people (sometimes). i want things done now: impatient.
can't small talk, only talk about real subjects. difficulty with normal socialising. occassional sleep paralysis.

I look at those and think "there must be something wrong". but my head is telling me that I'm making it up. Feel real good today though! Just did the main share at a Cocine Anonymous Meeting. I slayed it man!! Got some mood charts on the go too. I did them with excel and it's just a case of putting the numbers in and it makes a pretty little graph. Thought that would be nice for the scientifically inclined doctors.
Thanks, Peace. Nic x