BiPolar BF Shutting Me Out...Is this Consistent with Disease? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

seanavig8tor · 05-06-2009, 07:51 PM

I am a gay guy, in my forties. For the last six months, I have been deeply in love with a guy who has spent a great deal of time overseas, so we have not spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately, since his return, I have been confronted with a situation that even in consultation with psychologists, seems to be very consistent with bipolar disease. First, he broke up with me after a terrific vacation to the Caribbean. From my perspective, the reason was one of the most insignificant issues imaginable, but his reaction was if I revealed an infidelity or major untruth. Afterwards, he went into a deep depression in which he resigned his job and spent much of his time in what he calls, "hibernation." But in the last few days, he refuses to answer my calls, or emails. Since I have been massively worried about his physical well-being, the inability to contact him has been frustrating, confusing, and quite frankly, hurtful. This latest development came after he called me just a four days ago, saying that he was having one of the worst days, deeply depressed and questioning why he had left a job he now says he loved. That conversation ended on the phone with my pledging to support him in anyway and a loving email. So, this refusal to now acknowledge my existence and respect my concern for his well-being has left me more confused than ever. Is this cycle consistent with the disease? I have researched online about the isolation and hibernation, but what about shutting a person out who he says he loves? Any feedback greatly appreciated from someone who is naive about this condition. I do love him and want to be unconditional in my support and do not know for sure if he is bipolar.

Llama · 05-06-2009, 08:44 PM

Depression and bipolar disorder affect everyone differently. Some people shut people out, some don't. It's most likely ingrained in his personality. But isolation is a key symptom of depression.

dreams in neon · 05-07-2009, 12:36 PM

Like Llama said, bipolar and depression affect each of us differently. I have bipolar 1 and tend to push people away when I'm manic or depressed. When I'm manic, I do it because I end up saying things I don't mean and hurting the people I care about. When I'm depressed, I push people away because I can't move, think clearly or talk. When I'm in either of these mood states, I turn off the phone, do not respond to e-mail and keep myself locked up in the house until my moods start to level out.

MarkMac · 05-08-2009, 04:10 PM

Hi,
Bi-polar is a disorder that is difficult to diagnose first of all. I, being gay and BP myself, have experienced what you are at this time, but on the other side. Your prospective partner is likely feeling so worried that you will leave him because of the disorder, it's much easier and less hurtful and guilt producing for him to do the breaking up rather than be on the receiving end, which is devastating (for both really). Rejection and BP disorder are a terrible combination because we internalize and make it out to be the end of the world, that no one loves us, etc... I always asked myself why anyone would ever want to be with me. It's a terrible feeling knowing (in our world) that our problems create such guilt that we think we are imposing on others to deal with us. We'd rather be alone than hurt someone else. I have been fortunate to have been with my guy for 14 years, but trust me it was very very hard for me to trust and let myself be mentally exposed. Your bf is scared stiff. I suggest you examine how you feel about it first, then try to find out what you can about the disorder. There is a book called "Living with Someone You Love with a Mental Disorder". We hate ourselves for the affliction, but at the same time we need constant reassurance that we are cared for and are worthy of someone else's affection. Good luck to you...it'll be hard convincing your guy that it's all right. Be mindful that renegging on your "promise" is a recipe for disaster. That's when we want to end it all. Be sure that you are willing to cope with the breakdowns and anxiety counteracted with euphoric feelings of grandure and crazy behavior. Once I went out to buy toothpaste, and came home with a $4000 painting and forgot the toothpaste. Silly but oh so true. By the way, I'm 49, so I'm right there with you.

Best,
Mark

seanavig8tor · 05-08-2009, 08:54 PM

Thanks for the great insight. I would like to be committed to this guy. We share a whole lot from my perspective. In reading about the disease, it appears his symptoms are consistent, yet, I don't want to self diagnose too much. Still, I'm proceeding as though he does have bipolar disease. As such, how do I reinforce my feelings and support if he refuses to communicate? We live in different cities. Is it too much for a sufferer to handle unwanted emails/phone calls. Or, do I simply drop everything and wait until he comes around? It's difficult to know how much is too much or risk having him think that I don't care.

Thanks again for the great feedback.