Today I had an appointment with my tdoc and it didn't go well at all.
After I came in and sat down, my tdoc asked me how I was. I sat there and didn't say a word.
Then he asked "Is something wrong?"
I still didn't respond.
Then I started crying. This was the first time in the 1.5 years I've seen him that I cried. I said "I'm so confused, frustrated and angry."
When he asked why I said "Now that my moods are finally level, I'm starting to feel real emotions that I haven't felt before and it's scaring me."
I then gave an example, but before I could contain myself I started crying again and said "I'm tired of this. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if I can live this way for the rest of my life."
My tdoc asked me what I meant and I said "I'm talking about my bipolar."
I then went onto explain that I can't stop thinking about the way my life used to be when I was actually happy and could laugh at just about anything.
Then he said "Do you want to know what I think the problem is? I think you're focusing too much on bipolar. Instead of focusing on the here and now, you're thinking so much about how you feel, your cycling, your meds and your psychiatrist. I've also noticed that every time you come here you always talk about bipolar. There isn't anything wrong with that and I don't mind if you do, but I really think you should start focusing on other things in your life. I also think you should take a break from the message boards you've been participating on."
That's what I get for finally opening up and sharing my feelings.
For the past 1.5 years I've been trying to understand this d*mn disease and now that I'm *finally* able to FEEL something and cry, my tdoc tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. Well, I'm sorry. Forgive me if I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. It's kind of hard not to when your moods are cycling from one to the next every hour or every minute. How can I not??
I should have known better than to open up to him. EVERY single time I try to share my feelings with someone, I'm told to stop talking, stop obsessing, stop worrying, stop being upset and to stop being negative.
This is exactly why I don't talk to people. My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what he doesn't understand is 1. I'm very uncomfortable doing this for a variety of reasons, 2. I can't drive and therefore don't have a way of getting from point A to point B not to mention cab fare is very expensive and 3. I'm on a limited income, so I can't just take a class that interests me for the fun of it because VR doesn't pay for that.
I'm so confused. Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past.
I haven't been able to talk about my past until now and when I finally open up about it, I'm told to start concentrating on my future.
Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I've been treated by my parents as well as the way I feel about having bipolar? Today was the first time I cried and expressed any sincere emotion about having bipolar and this is what happens.
I'm so frustrated and hurt right now. I feel like the trust between my tdoc and I has been broken because if I mention anything about the way I feel or my bipolar, I'll always hear what he said to me in the back of my mind.
I also told him how angry I was about the fact that I wasn't diagnosed sooner because if I had been, perhaps I would have been able to enjoy more stability. I know none of that really matters in the long run and I should be happy to be stable now, but the reason I said what I did is because I was upset about having to suffer for so long without the proper medication. My tdoc didn't understand my frustration when I told him that if I had been given the proper meds, I could have enjoyed so much more in life without having to hear voices 24/7.
I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but today was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it.
We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.
The thought crossed my mind to try and find another tdoc because I was hurt and frustrated by what my own tdoc said to me today.
On one hand, I want to change tdocs because at least I can start out fresh with someone new. I now understand my bipolar, so that no longer needs to be discussed. We can start working on my PTSD and I can explain my difficulty talking about the traumas I experienced.
At the same time, I'm afraid to because if I experience the same thing from the next tdoc I see, that will most likely cause me to stop going to therapy altogether.
Speaking of the latter, I thought about quitting therapy for good as well, but quickly changed my mind because I know if I do, it will just cause more problems in the end.
I'm at a loss as to what I should do. My tdoc made it clear how he felt, so I do not need any further clarification from him. What I'm thinking about doing is waiting 2 weeks and seeing how I feel.
One thing that is also beginning to frustrate me is that I can't see him once/week. Every time we try to schedule an appointment, his calendar is booked. Waiting 2 weeks isn't a problem, but that makes it difficult to talk about all of the things I need to work on.
Like I said, I don't need to discuss bipolar anymore. My moods are level and if I run into problems, I can contact my pdoc.
What do you suggest I do? Should I see my tdoc for another 1-2 sessions or should I try to look for a new tdoc? If I find another tdoc, I can schedule an appointment with someone who works in the same office as my pdoc. That may not be a bad idea anyways since both of them can confer with each other if necessary. The tdocs there also have copies of your medical records via computer so there is no need to constantly update information as it applies to meds.
What should do? I'm really torn and have no idea what to do next.