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Old 05-26-2009, 02:37 PM   #1
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Today's Tdoc Appointment

Hi everyone,

Today I had an appointment with my tdoc and it didn't go well at all.

After I came in and sat down, my tdoc asked me how I was. I sat there and didn't say a word.

Then he asked "Is something wrong?"

I still didn't respond.

Then I started crying. This was the first time in the 1.5 years I've seen him that I cried. I said "I'm so confused, frustrated and angry."

When he asked why I said "Now that my moods are finally level, I'm starting to feel real emotions that I haven't felt before and it's scaring me."

I then gave an example, but before I could contain myself I started crying again and said "I'm tired of this. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know if I can live this way for the rest of my life."

My tdoc asked me what I meant and I said "I'm talking about my bipolar."

I then went onto explain that I can't stop thinking about the way my life used to be when I was actually happy and could laugh at just about anything.

Then he said "Do you want to know what I think the problem is? I think you're focusing too much on bipolar. Instead of focusing on the here and now, you're thinking so much about how you feel, your cycling, your meds and your psychiatrist. I've also noticed that every time you come here you always talk about bipolar. There isn't anything wrong with that and I don't mind if you do, but I really think you should start focusing on other things in your life. I also think you should take a break from the message boards you've been participating on."

That's what I get for finally opening up and sharing my feelings.

For the past 1.5 years I've been trying to understand this d*mn disease and now that I'm *finally* able to FEEL something and cry, my tdoc tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. Well, I'm sorry. Forgive me if I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. It's kind of hard not to when your moods are cycling from one to the next every hour or every minute. How can I not??

I should have known better than to open up to him. EVERY single time I try to share my feelings with someone, I'm told to stop talking, stop obsessing, stop worrying, stop being upset and to stop being negative.

This is exactly why I don't talk to people. My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what he doesn't understand is 1. I'm very uncomfortable doing this for a variety of reasons, 2. I can't drive and therefore don't have a way of getting from point A to point B not to mention cab fare is very expensive and 3. I'm on a limited income, so I can't just take a class that interests me for the fun of it because VR doesn't pay for that.

I'm so confused. Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past.

I haven't been able to talk about my past until now and when I finally open up about it, I'm told to start concentrating on my future.

Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I've been treated by my parents as well as the way I feel about having bipolar? Today was the first time I cried and expressed any sincere emotion about having bipolar and this is what happens.

I'm so frustrated and hurt right now. I feel like the trust between my tdoc and I has been broken because if I mention anything about the way I feel or my bipolar, I'll always hear what he said to me in the back of my mind.

I also told him how angry I was about the fact that I wasn't diagnosed sooner because if I had been, perhaps I would have been able to enjoy more stability. I know none of that really matters in the long run and I should be happy to be stable now, but the reason I said what I did is because I was upset about having to suffer for so long without the proper medication. My tdoc didn't understand my frustration when I told him that if I had been given the proper meds, I could have enjoyed so much more in life without having to hear voices 24/7.

I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but today was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it.

We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.

The thought crossed my mind to try and find another tdoc because I was hurt and frustrated by what my own tdoc said to me today.

On one hand, I want to change tdocs because at least I can start out fresh with someone new. I now understand my bipolar, so that no longer needs to be discussed. We can start working on my PTSD and I can explain my difficulty talking about the traumas I experienced.

At the same time, I'm afraid to because if I experience the same thing from the next tdoc I see, that will most likely cause me to stop going to therapy altogether.

Speaking of the latter, I thought about quitting therapy for good as well, but quickly changed my mind because I know if I do, it will just cause more problems in the end.

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. My tdoc made it clear how he felt, so I do not need any further clarification from him. What I'm thinking about doing is waiting 2 weeks and seeing how I feel.

One thing that is also beginning to frustrate me is that I can't see him once/week. Every time we try to schedule an appointment, his calendar is booked. Waiting 2 weeks isn't a problem, but that makes it difficult to talk about all of the things I need to work on.

Like I said, I don't need to discuss bipolar anymore. My moods are level and if I run into problems, I can contact my pdoc.

What do you suggest I do? Should I see my tdoc for another 1-2 sessions or should I try to look for a new tdoc? If I find another tdoc, I can schedule an appointment with someone who works in the same office as my pdoc. That may not be a bad idea anyways since both of them can confer with each other if necessary. The tdocs there also have copies of your medical records via computer so there is no need to constantly update information as it applies to meds.

What should do? I'm really torn and have no idea what to do next.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
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Old 05-26-2009, 03:32 PM   #2
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

I can understand how this is upsetting. In a way it sounds like it would be beneficial to see a new tdoc like the one you mentioned at your pdocs office. Completely quitting the boards is not really going to help things because you have people on here who like talking to you. But in a sence I can understand what you tdoc ment by limiting time spent on the boards for it does make us think about our disorder a little to much. But what people have to realize is that here we can take out our frustruation and be able to talk to others who deal with similar issues and know how to cope with it. I was actually told myself to join a forum, any forum really just to try and communicate with others without being around them as a start. Eventually its good to practise communicating with others though when your actually meeting them. Thats what I have to start doing. I haven't told my nurse or pdoc about the forums I go on because I was afraid they would say the exact same thing they said to you.

I'm glad your moods are level. I'm in a depression right now.
__________________
Diagnosis: social anxiety disorder,PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder

Meds: Clonazepam 4mg, Seroquel 200mg

 
Old 05-26-2009, 05:51 PM   #3
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Quote:
Originally Posted by under View Post
I can understand how this is upsetting. In a way it sounds like it would be beneficial to see a new tdoc like the one you mentioned at your pdocs office. Completely quitting the boards is not really going to help things because you have people on here who like talking to you. But in a sence I can understand what you tdoc ment by limiting time spent on the boards for it does make us think about our disorder a little to much. But what people have to realize is that here we can take out our frustruation and be able to talk to others who deal with similar issues and know how to cope with it. I was actually told myself to join a forum, any forum really just to try and communicate with others without being around them as a start. Eventually its good to practise communicating with others though when your actually meeting them. Thats what I have to start doing. I haven't told my nurse or pdoc about the forums I go on because I was afraid they would say the exact same thing they said to you.

I'm glad your moods are level. I'm in a depression right now.
I'm confused by what my tdoc said because he always told me that message boards were a great way for me to meet others who have BP. He is also aware of the severe paranoia I have whenever I'm in groups of 4 or more.

I've continued giving this some thought and am leaning towards finding another tdoc because I don't want to think about what he told me this afternoon every single time I mention how I feel or I discuss my bipolar in one way or another. I am also becoming uncomfortable about not knowing whether I will see him once/week or once every 2 weeks. There are alot of things I need to discuss in therapy and we've tried to cover as many as possible during each session, but I'm not going to make much progress if I only see him once every 2 weeks given the number of things I have to work through,

I like the idea of seeing a new tdoc because I can start over and begin working on my PTSD and other issues. The only reason I mentioned my bipolar today is because I woke up feeling moderately depressed and I guess everything I've been holding inside since my diagnosis in 2006 finally came out. I've never really expressed anger or sadness over my bipolar. The only thing I've been able to do is talk about the things I don't understand about bipolar. Now that I'm able to feel emotions again, I could express the anger and depression I felt.

I'm still upset by the fact that I was told to stop thinking about my past. How am I supposed to get on with my life if I can't discuss the way I feel about my traumas or the way bipolar has affected me over the past 3 years?

I've been so busy rapid cycling and being manic that I really haven't had time to really feel anything. As I've mentioned before, I haven't cried over anything since 1995 after I lost my hearing. That was the last time with the exception of Mother's Day when I cried about the loss my mother.

I'm going to call my pdoc's office tomorrow and schedule an appointment with a new tdoc. I don't have anything to lose and may end up finding someone I feel comfortable with. That being said, it may take me awhile before I really start opening up to another tdoc, but then again, it may not. Since I'm able to experience true emotions now, I may end up getting more out of therapy with a new tdoc than I have over the past 1.5 years I've been seeing my current tdoc.

The only thing I need to determine now is whether I'd like to work with a male or female tdoc. I'm thinking about trying a female only because I think she may have a better understanding of what I feel when it comes to my fear of men and the sexual abuse I experienced from age 7-18.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 05-26-2009 at 06:09 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 06:08 PM   #4
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

LOL you officially make it into the record book for the longest post. I don't mind it. I myself prefer seeing a male pdoc or tdoc rather than female. It's easier to trust them for some reason for me. I find that the females ask more questions and go into more detail about the things you don't really like mentioning. The females also treat you like your a little kid while the males treat you like the age that you are. This is just my view of it.
__________________
Diagnosis: social anxiety disorder,PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder

Meds: Clonazepam 4mg, Seroquel 200mg

 
Old 05-26-2009, 06:14 PM   #5
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Quote:
Originally Posted by under View Post
LOL you officially make it into the record book for the longest post. I don't mind it. I myself prefer seeing a male pdoc or tdoc rather than female. It's easier to trust them for some reason for me. I find that the females ask more questions and go into more detail about the things you don't really like mentioning. The females also treat you like your a little kid while the males treat you like the age that you are. This is just my view of it.
Sorry for the dissertation. LOL.

I can't say one way or the other whether or not I like female tdocs better than males because I think it really depends upon the therapist. I've had excellent female tdocs and terrible female tdocs. The same is true for males. Then again, I may not have a choice of gender. The reason I say this is because my pdoc's office gives all new clients a one hour interview to assess their needs and determine which tdoc or pdoc would be most appropriate for them. During my interview I plan to mention my feelings about the discomfort I have discussing sex as well as my fear of men. I'm sure the latter will probably result in me being assigned to a female tdoc.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 05-26-2009 at 06:15 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 07:20 PM   #6
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Dreams,

Just my take....but I don't think your tdoc meant he doesn't want you to talk about your past or your PTSD, etc. I think he just mean that if your always obsessing about the BP, it's not going to help you any. He probably just doesn't realize that this was the first time that you actually felt you could open up and tell him these emotional things. The limit of Board time doesn't shock me, 'cuz my pdoc is like that.

Maybe you ought to take a day or two and think about this before you make a quick decision about changing your tdoc. You know our docs don't always say what we want to hear, but that's not a reason to change them or want to change them every time they do. You're always telling us how much you love your tdoc, so I think you'd really regret it in the end, not to mention that if your moving in a couple of months, what's the point?

I thought you were seeing your tdoc 3 times a week now, or was that your pdoc?

kat

 
Old 05-26-2009, 07:29 PM   #7
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Quote:
Originally Posted by katlin09 View Post
Dreams,

Just my take....but I don't think your tdoc meant he doesn't want you to talk about your past or your PTSD, etc. I think he just mean that if your always obsessing about the BP, it's not going to help you any. He probably just doesn't realize that this was the first time that you actually felt you could open up and tell him these emotional things. The limit of Board time doesn't shock me, 'cuz my pdoc is like that.

Maybe you ought to take a day or two and think about this before you make a quick decision about changing your tdoc. You know our docs don't always say what we want to hear, but that's not a reason to change them or want to change them every time they do. You're always telling us how much you love your tdoc, so I think you'd really regret it in the end, not to mention that if your moving in a couple of months, what's the point?

I thought you were seeing your tdoc 3 times a week now, or was that your pdoc?

kat
No, Kat. I said I wasn't going to start seeing my tdoc 3x/week until June.

What I think I need to do is grieve over my bipolar or the loss of my life the way it used to be. How can I do that if my tdoc tells me to focus on the here and now? That's why I want to find another tdoc.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 05-26-2009 at 07:29 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 07:31 PM   #8
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Just when I'm ready to start talking about the way I feel regarding my bipolar, I'm told to focus on other things. I really don't understand that logic. How can I move on with my life if I can't even accept the fact that I have bipolar?? Maybe I haven't accepted my diagnosis in the first place. Maybe I'm still in denial. I don't know anymore...
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

Last edited by dreams in neon; 05-26-2009 at 07:35 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 10:44 PM   #9
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

I've made up my mind and no longer want to see my tdoc. All it will do is cause me to feel even more anger and that's not what I want.

What I want (and need) is to start from where I left off today (crying) and go from there.

I think it's time that I start with a new tdoc and let them know where I am at emotionally at this point.

I also think one of the problems I've had with my current tdoc is the fact that there is so much on my plate in terms of what I need to discuss in therapy that everything is discussed randomly.

For example, during one session I may talk about my PTSD but in another, I will discuss bipolar. 90% of the time I've asked questions about bipolar, but now I'm finally reaching the point where I'm able to express how I feel about my diagnosis yet I am being told to focus on other things instead. I don't understand that logic because if I can't talk about the way I feel regarding my bipolar or the past, how can I move on?
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 05-26-2009, 10:51 PM   #10
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

You've talked alot about bipolar and you are the expert on the subject around here. You seem to be able to identify what moods your in very well. I think that you have an understanding that you have bipolar. I think what your tdoc wants is for you to try to think differently about bipolar. In order to improve you have to have a positive outlook about it.
__________________
Diagnosis: social anxiety disorder,PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder

Meds: Clonazepam 4mg, Seroquel 200mg

 
Old 05-26-2009, 10:56 PM   #11
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Quote:
Originally Posted by under View Post
You've talked alot about bipolar and you are the expert on the subject around here. You seem to be able to identify what moods your in very well. I think that you have an understanding that you have bipolar. I think what your tdoc wants is for you to try to think differently about bipolar. In order to improve you have to have a positive outlook about it.
Ben,

I've been unstable for the past 1.5 years, so it would only be natural for me to feel the way I do about bipolar.

When you're rapidly changing from one mood to the next it's very difficult to think positively about bipolar and believe that you can get better.

Besides, I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay on the outside when I'm hurting on the inside.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 05-26-2009, 10:59 PM   #12
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

If your spending 90% of the time focusing on the bipolar subject and asking questions, maybe to the tdoc it's not really accomplishing what they want to help you accomplish. So in order to move on it might be easier to think of other things besides what happened at your tdoc appointment. I hope that what I say at least is somewhat helpful. ................,
So your moving?
__________________
Diagnosis: social anxiety disorder,PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder

Meds: Clonazepam 4mg, Seroquel 200mg

 
Old 05-26-2009, 11:02 PM   #13
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Ben,

Think about it this way. Imagine how you feel when you're anxious and you don't want to be in class or have anything to do with your teachers. All you want is to escape your surroundings.

That's exactly how I feel when it comes to my bipolar.

I would like everyone to stop telling me how I should think positively about bipolar when I haven't even come to terms with how I really feel about it.

After all, there's a huge difference between saying you have bipolar and accepting it.

By the way, the only reason I'm able to identify my moods and have the degree of insight that I do is because I've asked my tdoc tons of questions about bipolar. If it were not for all of the psychoeducation he gave me, I'd still be in the land of confusion as far as bipolar is concerned and I wouldn't be able to tell you whether I was coming or going.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 05-26-2009, 11:05 PM   #14
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

Quote:
Originally Posted by under View Post
If your spending 90% of the time focusing on the bipolar subject and asking questions, maybe to the tdoc it's not really accomplishing what they want to help you accomplish. So in order to move on it might be easier to think of other things besides what happened at your tdoc appointment. I hope that what I say at least is somewhat helpful. ................,
So your moving?
I plan to call my pdoc's office in order to find a new tdoc. That's the way I plan to move on from today's experience.

I'm moving to Arizona within the next several months.
__________________
Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
Meds:
Depakote 1500mg
Prozac 40mg
Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

 
Old 05-26-2009, 11:09 PM   #15
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Re: Today's Tdoc Appointment

I'm sorry I was only trying to be of help. I don't know what it's like to experience what you experience.
__________________
Diagnosis: social anxiety disorder,PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder

Meds: Clonazepam 4mg, Seroquel 200mg

 
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