Update/Today's Tdoc Appointment - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

dreams in neon · 07-08-2009, 12:55 PM

Hi everyone,

First of all I want to apologize to any of you who may be worried about where I've been.

I was sick with a very bad case of the flu over the past 7 days and today is the first time I felt well enough to be on the computer. The flu hit me hard and I had all of the classic symptoms.

I've been unable to take my meds for a week but thankfully I wasn't thrown into a manic or depressive episode as a result.

I'm feeling much better now and plan to celebrate a belated 4th this weekend with my family.

On a different note, I had another productive appointment with my tdoc today.

The appointment was more difficult emotionally than my previous appointments because we explored how much my life has changed over the past 3 years since my diagnosis.

Since that time, I've had increasing difficulty eating regularly since I don't eat when I'm manic or depressed. I also don't feel the same pleasure from eating like I used to and my tdoc is concerned about the fact that I'm not eating on a regular basis. We agreed that I would ask my GP for a consultation with a dietician who can help me with easy to prepare meal plans since it is overwhelming for me to prepare 3 meals/day. Food does not taste pleasurable to me anymore either. All of this came home to me yesterday when my hairdresser (who is also a very good friend of mine) asked me if I was okay because she pointed out that I had lost alot of weight since I saw her last. I never realized and when my tdoc asked me today what I ate over the past 2 days (after recovering from the flu), I told him 2 pudding cups and toast which he said "is a definite problem." Eating when I was IP felt foreign to me and is something that does not feel normal to me. I don't know why this is -- if it's because I can't bring myself to eat or if I just haven't eaten in so long that I can't do it anymore. It's not because I don't have the energy since my moods have been stable -- it just doesn't feel normal like it used to.

We also discussed the true source of the paranoia I've had since 1995 and he believes my deafness is the cause. Ever since I lost my hearing that year, I've been afraid of people watching me and following me which he said are normal and expected reactions. I've noticed since being stabilized on meds I'm no longer paranoid to the same degree that I used to be and I also learned that the voices I heard in 2004 were paired together with tinnitus (following my cochlear implant surgery) which further confused/complicated everything.

In looking back, all of the puzzle pieces make sense and I no longer find myself wondering when or why things happened the way they did. I finally feel like I've accepted my diagnosis and can move on with my life.

We also discussed spending and how mania can cause one to incur large amounts of debt as well as how this has affected me personally. There are a few things I need to address in regards to this, but my tdoc said it's a very good sign I'm attempting to try to tackle these issues and have already noticed positive changes in my spending habits over the past month or so (i.e. being able to control spending) ever my moods have stabilized on meds.

Before I left, my tdoc told me how pleased he is at the progress I've been making thus far. I've started working on several personal issues that I need to deal with and will be confronting my traumas next week. I wanted to discuss them today, but time got the better of us, so that will be put on hold for now.

My next appointment is a week from Friday. After that time, I will see my tdoc on a bi-weekly basis since I believe I'm ready to see him every 2 weeks instead of weekly.

I hope this finds you well. I've missed all of you a great deal.

Llama · 07-08-2009, 01:55 PM

(((Dreams))) I'm so sorry to hear that you've been so sick.

I know how bad the flu can get. I had to go to the ER once to get re-hydrated because of the flu. Yuck!

And your tdoc appointment sounds like it went very well again! This is good news. And being able to go bi-weekly is a great sign that your tdoc thinks you are improving and stable.

I can also relate to the eating problems you've been having. It has got to be at least in part to the meds, right? I've had no appetite lately. I've been trying to count calories and I've been averaging under 1000 a day. As you know, I used to have an eating disorder so I really hope this doesn't become a problem for me. Dreams, do you have past issues with eating disorders, if you don't mind my asking?

dreams in neon · 07-08-2009, 02:13 PM

(((Llama)))

I wanted to send a short post to the board to let everyone know I was okay, but I couldn't. I was too weak and ill. Imagine your worst case scenario of the flu for 7 days and you'll know exactly what I had.

I don't know if I have an eating disorder or not. A counselor who evaluated me when I saw my new pdoc suggested that I do, but I've never really explored it. I don't have any concerns about my weight except when it comes to diabetes, but that's only due to the history of diabetes in my family. I've also become used to weighing 114 and do not want to return to the 157 I was last year. Note that I am not calling that "fat" by any means -- it's just not where I want to be and right now I can't tell if that has to do with my self-esteem or a larger issue. My tdoc and I plan to explore that further once I'm able to see a dietician and start eating regularly.

Llama · 07-08-2009, 02:19 PM

I really hope the dietician helps you! That really sounds like a good idea. Your tdoc is very smart.

I really hope you don't have an eating disorder. It doesn't sound like it, since you don't seem to have obsessions about your weight. You would be weiging yourself multiple times a day, counting calories, obsessed about everyone else's weight, over-exercising, etc. I could go on and on. It's not pretty.

dreams in neon · 07-08-2009, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Llama

I really hope the dietician helps you! That really sounds like a good idea. Your tdoc is very smart.

I really hope you don't have an eating disorder. It doesn't sound like it, since you don't seem to have obsessions about your weight. You would be weiging yourself multiple times a day, counting calories, obsessed about everyone else's weight, over-exercising, etc. I could go on and on. It's not pretty.

I don't think I have an eating disorder either to be honest with you Llama. My main fear lies around having diabetes, but that's a health concern and has nothing to do with my self-image. I hope my post didn't come across as being offensive to anyone because I didn't mean for it to. My GP told me I couldn't afford to weigh any more than 157 last year because I was considered pre-diabetic. Now that I've lost all of that weight due to several depressive episodes, I am no longer considered diabetic which is my greatest fear. I also worry about this due to the fact that I take a high dose of Risperdal which is known for raising blood sugar. Upon my GP's recommendation, I test my blood sugar every week (as a preventative measure) and so far, all of my readings come back within normal range. I don't think I have anything to worry about in regards to that or an eating disorder, but as far as the former is concerned, I don't want to hear my GP lecture me about not testing for diabetes. I also known how serious eating disorders are and I don't think I come close to having even a mild case. However, I'm going to follow my tdoc's advice of seeing a dietician and see if I can find any easy to prepare recipes on the Internet as well. My sister told me there are certain sites that allow you to input a list of ingredients and will then send you recipes containing all of them. I think that would be the best way for me to eliminate feeling overwhelmed by creating 3 menus/day. I don't need to cook for a family and making breakfast would be simple enough for me, but dinner is where I'd run into problems because I'd have no idea where to start. LOL.