What to do? What to do??? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

beckaf · 10-09-2009, 04:44 AM

I'm pondering the thought of what to do, obviously. A little background: I was first diagnosed with Bipolar when I was 15. I was hospitalized for 10 days during this time for severe depression with suicidal thoughts. Because I was only 15 the decision making was left to my mom. I was put on a bunch of meds and sent home to outpatient therapy. I was court ordered counseling pretty much until I was 18, and decided this was not for me. I abandoned this diagnosis and all the medications I was on. Things were ok for awhile, but I struggled with major depression and and insomnia for years. I have since returned to therapy and have been seeing a therapist for 3 years. In this time I have also seen the psychiatrist for medication. I have been on a roller-coaster of on again off again medication regimen. I also have been diagnosed with bipolar (again), ptsd, ocd, anxiety disorder, major depression, and borderline traits. I skirt the issues of the bipolar diagnosis although both are aware that I have been diagnosed. The psychiatrist 'plays' along with not diagnosing bipolar in the charts, but maintains bipolar meds when I am on them. Currently i have gone back on medication to help me sleep. I was on seroquel (which is also used to treat major depression alone). When that didn't work they tried me on Geodon. This is not working well either. I have had many side effects and called the nurse with the issues and got no response. I stopped taking the medication and I am now going on day 3 of no sleep. Among other symptoms are: racing thoughts, irritation, rapid talking, some recklessness and poor decisions. I am trying to make myself and others believe that I don't have bipolar disorder, however the overwhelming facts are that I do. Having a on paper, treatment plan, for bipolar will completely affect my career choice to the point that I may not be able to continue on this path. this is all I have ever wanted to do, and have avoided this diagnosis and treatment to attain this goal. Ultimately, my question of What To Do? is that of: Should I finally be honest with myself and others about the symptoms I am having? Should I tell my psychiatrist about these symptoms and risk the diagnosis being confirmed? Should I go with treatment to better myself if my career is compromised? I am so up in the air about this. I know I should, but then again Should I? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated... Thank you for taking the time to read this post...

Wendy489 · 10-09-2009, 05:19 AM

It is so good that you have posted here. I am a 42 year old Australian woman with Bipolar II, Panic and Anxiety Disorders and I am also a 10 years sober alcoholic in AA.

I really believe, and I'll be straight with you and not muck around, if you continue to be non-compliant with your meds, and continue being dishonest with those that love you, as well as clinicians (who probably have an idea of what you're hiding and shying away from anyway), everything will slip sideways away from you and you won't have any chance to influence the outcome - events will overcome you. I believe that it is a given that the career stuff will go if you DON'T address your issues and it may be that you become so symptomatic that you present so much worse in the work environment, thus ruining chances for your future.

I really believe that to gain stability, you need stability in your meds. I know that is easier said than done - it can take YEARS to get the right meds mix. I KNOW it is torturous - I have been and continue to feel that torture myself - I feel like a Guinea Pig. But you have the give you psychiatrist an even break in seeking out the best meds mix - as your continued non-compliance gives your doctor no chance of following, over the long term, your illnesses' symptoms, the impact of the various medications and how life issues affect your mental state.

And once you have some mental stability, therapy can REALLY kick in, but if you are doing that now, keep doing it.

I think your candour in your post shows you have a really great chance of recovery, as unlikely as that seems now.

Wendy