blp101

Dear all,

Good to be back I have been watching from a far but not posted for a while. The update is as follows: Finally go the PDoc assessment and passed my BP and Cyclothemia exams with flying colours!

Been very wary later as I seem to be surrounded by people out to wind me up at the moment. The GP is as flippant as ever, I recently called in to ask what I should between pdoc sessions as has been told to come off Citralopam immediately, was concerned about side effects. It was 2 weeks flying solo until my next pdoc session so wanted to see what support would be available and what to expect/prevent, at this point I was told "You have been like this for years, so a week waiting shouldn't hurt" Great dude, and you are a qualified professional that I am trusting my mental and physical health with.

Followed only by a genealogy session with counselor which opened alot of old wounds that needed covering only to be told on the strike of 6pm (1 hour after start of session) "Lets pick this up next week" I was in bits and felt.... still do, very alone and vulnerable at the moment.

So this week I have been tested for everything and commence my Lithium lifestyle in the near future. Not sure when... have been putting that off.

Went out at the weekend and got right back on to that old familiar friend Cocaine, was seduced by it and slipped back into the same old habits. This i regret the most as I let myself down. Didn't get into trouble kept it all very quiet but did it none the less.

Have started drinking again, not a lot but enough. Have been told to stop drinking when I start Lithium, this is another delay tactic to me mentally can I stop drinking? that's what I do, if there was a sport in it I would be a world leader.

Have started smoking Marijuana again to get to sleep as my gp will not supply anymore Zopiclone to sleep, so wake up every hour on the hour at night in a panic. Losing sleep is the worst and every night I can't sleep every hour that I am robbed of is one step nearer depression and being overwhelmed.

Have taken on a 2nd job which was a financial decision, about to start the years biggest project with company 1 and all that is hectic as F*** but not in a positive "I can do this way"

So where am I? no further forward that I was this time last year, still none the wiser or any better off. I am constantly reminded that "There is no quick fix" but any hope of a fix would be nice. I am determined to beat this but find that the more I know the more I am being told that I am obsessing, those around me are not being very supportive at the moment and I am not making it easy to be around.

Grr started out this just wanting to say hi, I am still here but turned into a rant.

Sorry!