Join Date: Nov 2009
| | Newbie: Does Anyone Else Celebrate Hypo-
Greetings. I look forward to reading all that is on this site, having just found it and with not enough time presently to see if this question has already been asked and answered.
You gotta pay to play, and that IS the downside of hypomania, the other aspects of BPII notwithstanding. I'm only now truly beginning to accept that "label," for myself, reluctantly. I thankfully am without the "manic depressive" or "cycling" aspects associated with this "disorder," which I would prefer to see as a gift, but that's probably symptomatic of the disorder itself. But, I've been able to shrug off the diagnosis for the most part because of the absence of manic depression. Whatever's wrong with me, or "special" (in the short bus sense-haha), tends to manifest itself with hypomania, which can be accompanied by irritability since I don't like to be distracted when I'm hyper-focusing on something, or because no matter how hard I push myself before I ultimately and invariably crash (which used to be a way of life for me, before I became so old that now I only go over-board when under extreme stress). But after a hypomanic "episode," the main thing I experience is "crashing," a need for sleep, but not depression, or, if so, very rarely, and that's usually because I didn't accomplish what I had set out to when I knowingly allowed myself to go into hypomanic mode, like I'm in now. I've learned to tell when I'm in this mode because there are a LOT of unsent emails that I've written but just copied to a folder called "venting" instead, realizing that, while what I'm saying makes perfect sense to me, it will translate as "lunatic" to the intended recipient, which often renders me silent, to my frustration. I'm only posting what I am NOW, as incomprehensible as it probably is, because I'm hoping I'm among people who understand where I'm coming from. It's taken me a long time, but I've learned when I need to shut up! Which, unfortunately, turns out to be most of the time, at least when it comes to expressing my "true" self, which has led to a sort of self-imposed isolation, which for me is sad because I always used to thrive on "relating." Before I became a mother, I literally lived to relate. And I have a gift for it too, language, especially written. But, I've experienced severe reprocussions for "expressing myself" blog-style years ago, and continue to be persecuted not as much for the "mentally ill" label as for what I said when I said it, or wrote it, rather, to where I've been petrified to publish anything for years since. I've always, all my life, until recently, been a very creative, prolific and profound writer, enamoured with words, often looking them up before I use them to ensure what I'm about to write is in fact what I mean. And, typical to a BPII, I've always been tangential in my thinking, speaking, and writing, which leads me back to my original question for this post: I don't want to be dumbed down. I realize that my being up at this hour writing where I can only feel safe to qualifies as an "episode," and I know I will pay for indulging myself in this way inevitably. But I am extremely agitated at the moment by a confluence of confounding circumstances, and I'm tired of not being able to process anything via written word for fear of being upgraded to a Bipolar I, or just otherwise altogether insane. I fear I'm running out of room here and still haven't fully posed my initial question: While there are many times I would like to stop the gears grinding in my head, most of the time I'm glad I have access to those gears when needed. My "official" diagnosis is ADHD, with the "H" standing for "hyper-focusing," and "Bipolar II." But in the course of attaining those "labels" I was forced to undergo a battery of tests that indicated my intelligent quotient was higher than 99.8% of "same-age peer groups." I've often shrugged off my BPII as "well, you'd be hypomanic too if you had this much going on in your head!" And it has often worked in my favor, when I need to "outthink" whatever opponent is before me, and for the past several years, there have been too many, which is why this is my first time "posting" or "publishing" from my heart and not my head, spontaneously, and I apologize for any lack of coherency. Hoping you can read between the lines here and feel me on what I was originally trying to ask... Thanks. P.S. I realize that if someone who knows me personally were to read my posts on this board, they'd know who I am instantly, but I need to be able to express myself without judgment, so I'm taking that risk. Toward that end I'll be beginning another thread with another question, this time hoping to pose it more concisely. I used to be a good writer, but I've been silenced for too long...