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Old 12-10-2009, 09:41 PM   #1
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roxem HB User
Angry realizing i'm bipolar

i was told 1 1/2 years ago i'm bipolar. i was in denial & i'm just now realizing how true it is. i'm in a depressed state now, the past few weeks i've been so irritated & angry usually for no real reason at all. sometimes i do have a good reason to be mad but i just FLIP out. my family's in denial about my bipolar, & now everything's coming together for me but i have no one to talk to about it. to make it worse, i've been fighting w/my best friend. i do have a valid reason this time for the fight we got into today. but i wonder if i got too angry because of the bipolar? i completely freaked out on her & i'm usually not like that. i almost want to tell her about my bipolar so she at least understands why i freaked out (i was like a psycho person, really)... but i'm afraid she will say i AM psycho & then she'll really think i shouldn't be mad right now, i'm just making stuff up in my head & freaking out for nothing. i really wish i had my best friend to talk to right now. i feel so lonely, but i really cant trust her w/this information now. next time i fight w/her about something she'll say "oh its just the bipolar talking". ugh! sorry i know i sound so juvenile. its hard to compile all my feelings into words right now. does anyone else get like this? IS it the bipolar that's making me over-react to things? i'll be completely fine & one little thing happens & its a whole different side of me that comes out w/out warning. i hate FEELING so angry especially when i don't have anything to even be angry about! & when i am validly mad about something i cant stand not being in control & going psycho on everyone. i want to explain myself to everyone, but when i have a tantrum again i'm afraid they'll say "oh its just the bipolar" & blow it off. is anyone else going through this? is this normal for bipolar? any support would be helpful

 
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Old 12-14-2009, 10:44 PM   #2
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Hi. I was diagnosed 1 month ago and it is very difficult for me to undrestand what is part of bipolar and what is not. The tantrums and phsycho episodes happen often for me and now after being diagnosed they are happening more often as I ma frustrated with myself and dont trust what I am doing as I dont know why. What is helping me through this tough thime is my family reminding me to be patient and take one day at a time and be honest with how I am feeling and what might happen because of what I am feeling. We are on a tough road but I do believe that with a trustworthy support sytsem who is wanting to learn about bipolar and help you on the life path through it, we will be able to get more control over our illness.

 
Old 12-15-2009, 12:35 PM   #3
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Hi! The uncontrollable anger and fury is a large part of BP for me. I am fairly stable right now, but find that both that and lingering depressive feelings are my hangover symptoms.
I tend to find that the anger is partially hormonal, and so some parts of the month can be worse than others for throwing a tanty. I have also found that when things don't go the way I was expecting them to I lose it big time. Other peoples inconsiderate behaviour (and this is mostly where I need to loosen up and try to remember the state of humanity) really drives me up the wall too- to the point where I get ridiculous and know that I need to shut my mouth but still can't. I'm still learning to differentiate between what is legitimate to get get angry about and what's not, and what is deemed to be appropriate in getting rid of it. I know I get so angry because I spent a good 20 or so years doing everything I could to not get angry or lose my temper- I just used to push it down. I've always had a bad temper and I have never learned to handle it in a useful way. I did used to play a lot of sport when I was younger and that did help. I have started playing softball again this year, but I am finding that a real challenge because now I have to interact with people- something I had unconciously stopped doing. I am finding I get upset over the stupidest stuff and big time.
So basically I find that mostly I have to debrief when I chuck a wobbley- first I go over the situation in my mind and try to brutally honest with myself about whether I should have gotten upset, did I over react, how I could have handled it better etc, then I talk to my mate, and/or boyfriend about it and they usually put me straight on anything I have taken a singulaurly bp approach to. They both have different views on things so sometimes I have to figure out which view is the right one for the situation- sometimes it's somewhere in between. I tend not to talk to my pdoc about it too much because he blames everything on me, and has very odd place of standing in this world.
So far as not telling your best friend... I find myself wondering, if you can't tell your best friend, who can you tell? I find it makes things so much more bearable to have someone to talk to. My answer to my partner when I get the "that's just because you have bp" is that either "yes, it probably is this time", or "no, this is me", or "well it may be that is, but then again it may not be, but doesn't everyone have times when they don't make the best move?" It's their choice to make as to how understanding they are going to be, but I usually lean toward the view that people can't make a good desicion without being in full view of the facts, but you do need to temper that with protecting yourself.
Sorry for going on, I hope there is something in there that can help you.

 
Old 12-16-2009, 04:33 PM   #4
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Quote:
Originally Posted by mowgli View Post
I have also found that when things don't go the way I was expecting them to I lose it big time. Other peoples inconsiderate behaviour (and this is mostly where I need to loosen up and try to remember the state of humanity) really drives me up the wall too- to the point where I get ridiculous and know that I need to shut my mouth but still can't..... I know I get so angry because I spent a good 20 or so years doing everything I could to not get angry or lose my temper- I just used to push it down..... I have started playing softball again this year, but I am finding that a real challenge because now I have to interact with people- something I had unconciously stopped doing.... So far as not telling your best friend... I find myself wondering, if you can't tell your best friend, who can you tell?

I lose it too when things don't go my way, I don't know if I just want to be in control or if its just that I have a view of how things should go & I get irritated when it doesn't work out -- i guess those are really the same things lol. Inconsiderate & ignorant people TOTALLY annoy me & I don't keep my mouth shut either! Sometimes I have to realize w/the situation that its really not a big deal & just let it go, but that is hard! I think I just speak my mind, but there are times when I really didn't need to point out someone's mistake or stupidity. When you said you used to always hide your anger, I was exactly the same way. I tried to please everyone & I don't like confrontation so when someone would make me mad or backstab me or something I would just "forget about it" & not make a big deal of it. Maybe that's why we have so much anger now? We kept it bottled-up so long, now its time for it to come out. Although when I was younger & kept things bottled up, a lot of the time I would take my anger & frustration out on my family (parents & sisters)... they're your family, you know they'll always be there for you. Unfortunately they took a lot of crap. As far as unconciously being anti-social.... for probly 7 years I did the same thing. All I really did was work, college, hang with family & sleep. I didn't even have the usual "college experience", I didn't go to parties, I barely even talked to any of my classmates. People just annoy me. To be honest. I now realize I had a MAJOR manic stage between age 17-20, I was very social, partied all the time, a lot of alcohol, & I did a lot of things that I would never admit to now. It didn't seem wrong at the time at all, but it definitely is lol! After that period I must've went into a depressive state - when I was anti-social... & I don't know why people annoy me now?? I had a manic state again for the last year & god I wish it lasted longer! I was at the beginning of my recent manic state when I finally went to a pdoc & he said I'm bipolar, so of course I thought he must be crazy! I felt great!! How could I be bipolar?? Maybe that's why my family doesn't believe it, & they're just uneducated about it. I only saw my pdoc 3 times cuz of insurance issues & then I haven't had insurance at all this year. He didn't really explain what bipolar is, I've learned more by reading message boards & reading what other people w/bipolar have gone through & the different emotional stages they have. Its like looking in a mirror, its nice to know other people are going through the same things I am. I never did tell my best friend... she's going through a lot of crap in her life & she's not been a really good friend lately so we actually got in a huge fight & I told her I'm done w/her because I can't trust her anymore. I was probly bitchier than I needed to be, but this time I know I have a valid reason to be mad. She's been an alcoholic for the past year, went through a divorce & dealing w/her 2 kids on her own. She's been really selfish, a really bad mom to her kids (I can't even explain the things she's done, neglet, leaving them home alone to go drinking, etc), she's been really slutty & the last straw was when she went after a guy I like.... keep in mind she's already seeing like 3 OTHER guys! At least I have everyone here on this website, everyone is so open here & its nice to be able to talk about what we're all going through. I live in a fairly small city (150 thousand people), I wish we had a bipolar support group here that would be really nice!

 
Old 12-16-2009, 04:38 PM   #5
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roxem HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

in response to EdwardWB --

I agree, it is frustrating when you're diagnosed. No one really tells you what is normal & what is the bipolar. It might be a long road, but I'm glad you have the support of your family!!

Last edited by roxem; 12-16-2009 at 04:40 PM.

 
Old 12-16-2009, 05:27 PM   #6
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

in reply to 8800gts ---

Thank you for responding, it was very helpful! & I'm definitely going to try your technique... it might be hard sometimes tho! I'll admit, I've been a bit unpredictable lately. I did go to a psychiatrist, only 3 visits tho. All he wanted to do is medicate me, & he didn't even explain anything to me. So I guess it worked out, glad I didn't waste anymore money on him! I'ld love to see a therapist, but I don't have insurance right now... hopefully I will soon. Thanks for all your encouragement =)

 
Old 12-16-2009, 08:46 PM   #7
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

My parents were in total denile for years about my bipolar. When I was hospitalized, they finally realized the illness is real. Bipolar is difficult to deal with, but not impossible. If you take your meds, see a good therapist and confide in friends and family, you can manage it.

Things will be ok. Give it some time, but don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 
Old 12-16-2009, 08:50 PM   #8
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Re: realizing i'm bipolar

My parents were in denile for years about my bipolar disorder. When i was hospitalized, they finally saw that the illness was real. I know it is hard to deal with at times, but you can get through it. Take your meds, see a good therapists, keep your friends and family in the loop.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 
Old 12-16-2009, 09:00 PM   #9
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roxem HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Quote:
Originally Posted by clearwater2003 View Post
My parents were in total denile for years about my bipolar. When I was hospitalized, they finally realized the illness is real. Bipolar is difficult to deal with, but not impossible. If you take your meds, see a good therapist and confide in friends and family, you can manage it.

Things will be ok. Give it some time, but don't put too much pressure on yourself.

it always takes a sad sitution to make people finally open their eyes its hard for people to believe something they can't actually see.... except god...??? when i told my family that the doctor said i'm bipolar & they kind of laughed it off & didn't believe it, its been over a year & we haven't talked about it since that day so i don't know how to bring it up again.

 
Old 01-19-2010, 04:19 AM   #10
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fordchic08 HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Hi Roxem,

when i was finally diagnosed last year, my first reaction leaving the Psych's office was anger resentment mainly because of the stigma attached. i had hidden my illness so well, that most everyone i knew had no idea, except those closest who were in the firing line of my moods and uncontrollable choice making. I knew myself i had an illness but denial was my drug to keep going, to pretend it was everyone else that was different, not me. My working life has mainly been nursing and in recent years working for the government in disability, meaning that i looked after bipolar sufferers and would listen to my uncaring co workers make fun and mock them. Little did they know or still know that they were working next to one. Im very lucky to have an understanding partner that has helped me to accept thats its a part of who i am, and with proper medication and support, it can be controlled very well. I spent a long time thinking im so alone and no one could ever understand what my mind does to me, but once i began to accept that its a part of me for the rest of my life, it was actually a huge relief. Im now glad that i know that im not alone, and finding this website has actually helped me to realise that having bipolar is not my fault and my bad days now have a name, instead of me denying who i really am. Ive told some of my family and friends, but am still weary of what i say to others who have no idea. Most have been great and it has answered questions they were asking themselves about me...the ones who werent so accepting ive learnt that maybe they werent true friends to begin with..

whatever you do and where ever you are, just remember that YOU and the most important person, and people who truely care for you will love you for who you are and not what they want or expect you to be.. honesty is the only way to have peace, even though its much harder than denial.. i hope i have helped in some way...take care and remember you are not alone ever..

 
Old 01-20-2010, 07:29 PM   #11
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roxem HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

ya i know my meds need to be tweeked, but i don't have insurance right now. once i have it again i'm going back to the pdoc & see what we can do w/my meds.


Quote:
Originally Posted by fordchic08 View Post
Hi Roxem,

when i was finally diagnosed last year, my first reaction leaving the Psych's office was anger resentment mainly because of the stigma attached. i had hidden my illness so well, that most everyone i knew had no idea, except those closest who were in the firing line of my moods and uncontrollable choice making. I knew myself i had an illness but denial was my drug to keep going, to pretend it was everyone else that was different, not me. My working life has mainly been nursing and in recent years working for the government in disability, meaning that i looked after bipolar sufferers and would listen to my uncaring co workers make fun and mock them. Little did they know or still know that they were working next to one. Im very lucky to have an understanding partner that has helped me to accept thats its a part of who i am, and with proper medication and support, it can be controlled very well. I spent a long time thinking im so alone and no one could ever understand what my mind does to me, but once i began to accept that its a part of me for the rest of my life, it was actually a huge relief. Im now glad that i know that im not alone, and finding this website has actually helped me to realise that having bipolar is not my fault and my bad days now have a name, instead of me denying who i really am. Ive told some of my family and friends, but am still weary of what i say to others who have no idea. Most have been great and it has answered questions they were asking themselves about me...the ones who werent so accepting ive learnt that maybe they werent true friends to begin with..

whatever you do and where ever you are, just remember that YOU and the most important person, and people who truely care for you will love you for who you are and not what they want or expect you to be.. honesty is the only way to have peace, even though its much harder than denial.. i hope i have helped in some way...take care and remember you are not alone ever..

people are so inconsiderate. its a shame that the very people that take care of us at our worst (nurses) go behind our backs & make fun of us if i were you i would be hesitant telling them of your bp, but it doesn't sound like a big loss. they don't sound like they're even worth having as friends.

i try to hide my feelings from everyone too. the funny thing is, on new years eve (while quite tipsy) i FINALLY told my best friend that i have bp. i was soooo surprised at her reaction! she just kinda laughed & said "i already know" like it was no big deal! i asked how she knew & she just explained that she knows other people with bp & she could tell by my mood swings. she was completely understanding, & i finally started getting my family into the idea of me having bp. now that i have the closest people to me getting on my side... it makes me less weary of telling others. i started seeing a new guy & last friday i had a bad night, my new cell phone was stolen & i got so emotional it hurt me so bad. so it was a bad night, when i got home & got my old cell phone re-activated my guy called me & still wanted to hang out. but i told him i had already taken my seroquel & it would knock me out soon. when he asked what the seroquel was for i told him about the bp. i'm not sure if he took it very well, but if a guy can't handle my bp then he can't handle ME!! so i'm happy with my decision to tell him. as long as i have good people on my side, then if the new people in my life get scared away because i tell them i have bp then fine with me. hahaha, we'll see how this goes....
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:12 AM   #12
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fordchic08 HB User
Cool Re: realizing i'm bipolar

hi roxem,

thanks for your reply. its great to hear your acceptance of who you are and how you are coping with it. I like to think we are special, for we have to cope with what most NORMAL...lol people couldnt do for one day...every day of our lives and we are still able to contribute extrordinary things in our lives.


take care
your friend in aussieland..

 
Old 01-31-2010, 06:26 PM   #13
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roxem HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

Quote:
Originally Posted by fordchic08 View Post
hi roxem,

thanks for your reply. its great to hear your acceptance of who you are and how you are coping with it. I like to think we are special, for we have to cope with what most NORMAL...lol people couldnt do for one day...every day of our lives and we are still able to contribute extrordinary things in our lives.


take care
your friend in aussieland..
hey! sorry i didn't respond earlier, this mania has got me running around all over the place!! you're right we deal with sooo much more!! most people couldn't handle our lives! we ARE special!
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bipolar 1, ADD, IBS, migraines, OCD, hyper joint mobility, interstitial cystitis... xanax, seroquel, imitrex inj, lotronex, dicyclomine

 
Old 02-02-2010, 02:57 AM   #14
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Wilrabl HB User
Re: realizing i'm bipolar

i was diagnoses with bipolar four years ago and recently i had a psychotic that lasted two years which had me driving to the border four or five times to escape to Thailand and looking for baby stuff because i thought i had a telekinetic baby

Last edited by Wilrabl; 02-02-2010 at 02:58 AM.

 
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