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Old 01-01-2010, 09:34 PM   #1
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He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

Hi There,

I have been going out with someone who has bipolar for 13 months now. He says he has never cheated because of how partners cheating on him in the past has affected him. I love him very much but we have had many break ups throughout the year and it largely boils to one stumbling block.

He has very many female friends on the internet all of whom worship and adore him and flirtatiously comment regularly on his profile and he does little to discourage them. Quite the opposite it seems. For various reasons he does not like me to accompany him to events when his friends are involved. A very large majority of his friends are female and are often in photos embracing him. He says that his friends are mostly female because he doesn't trust men due to some very bad past experiences.

My problem is I find it hard to trust him when he goes out alone to these events because of this flirtatious behavior. I can't believe his reasons for attending alone partly because on a number of occasions he has lied about going out to avoid confrontation and later he admits it and also because of gossip and other people's interference. I wondered if this is typical behavior for someone with bipolar as this may help me to understand and accept it.

Firstly he is uncomfortable to be seen out with me because I wasn't long separated before we got together and dating someone who is not divorced, however soon that may be, goes against his principals. He doesn't want to be seen as a hypocrite to his friends for this reason and because he has told them that I'm neurotic and bad for his condition.

He also doesn't like me to be in the same room as one of his male friends as I was intimate with him before we started going out.

He also doesn't want me to talk about our relationship with his friends as they won't understand why he is the way he is and why he doesn't like me to accompany him. They simply tell me he is hurting me and I should end the relationship.

The reasons have emerged one by one over the course of the year and I don't know what to believe. If he told me that he thrives off female attention and when I'm there or if they know he isn't available he may not get the attention he craves, I would understand. His going out would he hard to accept but his reasons would be easier to believe.

He has said that maybe he doesn't know how to be in love with someone anymore. He only remembers experiencing that feeling decades before in his teens. I have heard that the medication can dampen feelings. Could this be a factor? But he says he does loves me but mainly when he is trying to convince me that he isn't trying to hurt me. He finds it hard to he loves me these days. He said it more when we were starting out. I have read that it is difficult for people with bipolar to express their love at times of depression. It does show that he loves. He puts so much energy into convincing me that there is nothing going on. So many times we have had the same conversation but I find it hard to grasp especially when he decided to spend New Year separately from me. To me we would have been bringing the year in together but to him it was just another day. Another means of escape and the only place or crowd of people that he sees as escapism.

I'm worried that he see's me as his rescuer as opposed to his partner. When I'm there he relies on me for many things. He said that he is scared of being alone but I don't want that to be the only reason he is with me. But I believe what he say's is true. If he didn't want me or love me, would he try so hard to convince me that his reasons are genuine when it is him that loses out every time we argue and it sends him into a guilt ridden depression. To save himself he has had to push me away many times. Which doesn't help me feel anymore secure in the relationship and we are dragged sooner each time into the same argument.

I have tried just accepting his reasons and staying in when he goes out (it would upset him greatly if I went out because he gets very paranoid) however I start to feel very resentful and cant decide between smashing something or bursting into tears. This is especially when I don't hear from him throughout the night or I see the photos of him with his arms around different women the next day. That is when the questions start coming.

Please could you help me to understand and remember. I don't want to lose him but I'm between a brick wall and a hard place and don't know how to break this cycle.

 
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:23 PM   #2
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SoWendy HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

Hi, I am a 43 year old woman with Bipolar. I don't think the inappropriate behaviour and manipulative behaviour of your boyfriend can be attributable to Bipolar. I think it is more about character - or lack thereof on his part. You have very eloquently described his behaviour and his not wanting you around when he goes out (even with all his supposed, varied and complex justifications), and his Internet daliances - which are a violation in themsleves, and the likely liasons he has when he is out without you. I think you are an intelligent woman and I do think you know the logical answer to all this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted so honestly. I think you need to cut ties with him and move on, learn from this episode and embrace a more positive future.

 
Old 01-01-2010, 10:48 PM   #3
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cerajoan HB Usercerajoan HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

What you're describing has nothing to do with bipolar. The guy is a jerk with a capital J. He is giving you so much crap, I wouldn't trust him for a second. He's treating you very badly. Guys like him can't settle down with anyone. I thought I was in love with a guy like that once. I wanted him so badly, I made all kinds of excuses for him, blaming myself. Really, the guy is not going to change and you're putting up with an enormous amount of emotional abuse. It's not you. He'll be that way with anyone he's with. Dump him fast. There are nice men out there. Trust me, he's not one of them.

 
Old 01-01-2010, 11:00 PM   #4
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AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

Your friend of 18 months is much sicker than you even know. He doesn't love you ...he doesn't know how to love. And even worse ...he doesn't even have respect for you. You say you don't want to loose him??? You don't have him to loose...not sure why you love him but it isn't mutual...anyone can say the words and he has learned to say the right words but I don't see any love for you in him. I don't have any words to help you with this relationship...I can only say to step back and listen to yourself. There is nothing you can do to make any difference in him and it is sad that you have to have such a one sided relationship. When your mate demands that you do certain things to keep him happy then you don't have an equal/loving/trusting relationship. What you do is feed his confusion and make him sicker. Good luck.

 
Old 01-02-2010, 11:15 AM   #5
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Kazinsky HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

Thank you all for your comments. Please forgive my asking as I'm new to the site. Do you guys suffer from Bipolar?

 
Old 01-02-2010, 11:19 AM   #6
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Kazinsky HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

Sorry, just re-read your posts and yes you do. Thanks again.

 
Old 01-02-2010, 04:55 PM   #7
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SoWendy HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

I have Bipolar II and Panic and Anxiety Disorders and I am also a nearly 11 years sober alcoholic in AA.

 
Old 01-07-2010, 06:10 AM   #8
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irene498 HB User
Re: He doesn't like to be seen with me around female friends

I couldn't even finish reading this disturbing emotion. It sounds to me like this guy is a control freak. I think you should worry about yourself and you deserve better. Why would you want to be around someone who doesn't want to be around you. sounds like you are a fill in. Why should you take on someone elses baggage. what has he done for you lately. Before you know it you will be on meds. Maybe take a break.
I hope it works out for you. We can't be expected to accept everything about a person especially if it is causing you distress. Good luck Remember actions not words.

 
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