Kazinsky

Hi There,

I have been going out with someone who has bipolar for 13 months now. He says he has never cheated because of how partners cheating on him in the past has affected him. I love him very much but we have had many break ups throughout the year and it largely boils to one stumbling block.

He has very many female friends on the internet all of whom worship and adore him and flirtatiously comment regularly on his profile and he does little to discourage them. Quite the opposite it seems. For various reasons he does not like me to accompany him to events when his friends are involved. A very large majority of his friends are female and are often in photos embracing him. He says that his friends are mostly female because he doesn't trust men due to some very bad past experiences.

My problem is I find it hard to trust him when he goes out alone to these events because of this flirtatious behavior. I can't believe his reasons for attending alone partly because on a number of occasions he has lied about going out to avoid confrontation and later he admits it and also because of gossip and other people's interference. I wondered if this is typical behavior for someone with bipolar as this may help me to understand and accept it.

Firstly he is uncomfortable to be seen out with me because I wasn't long separated before we got together and dating someone who is not divorced, however soon that may be, goes against his principals. He doesn't want to be seen as a hypocrite to his friends for this reason and because he has told them that I'm neurotic and bad for his condition.

He also doesn't like me to be in the same room as one of his male friends as I was intimate with him before we started going out.

He also doesn't want me to talk about our relationship with his friends as they won't understand why he is the way he is and why he doesn't like me to accompany him. They simply tell me he is hurting me and I should end the relationship.

The reasons have emerged one by one over the course of the year and I don't know what to believe. If he told me that he thrives off female attention and when I'm there or if they know he isn't available he may not get the attention he craves, I would understand. His going out would he hard to accept but his reasons would be easier to believe.

He has said that maybe he doesn't know how to be in love with someone anymore. He only remembers experiencing that feeling decades before in his teens. I have heard that the medication can dampen feelings. Could this be a factor? But he says he does loves me but mainly when he is trying to convince me that he isn't trying to hurt me. He finds it hard to he loves me these days. He said it more when we were starting out. I have read that it is difficult for people with bipolar to express their love at times of depression. It does show that he loves. He puts so much energy into convincing me that there is nothing going on. So many times we have had the same conversation but I find it hard to grasp especially when he decided to spend New Year separately from me. To me we would have been bringing the year in together but to him it was just another day. Another means of escape and the only place or crowd of people that he sees as escapism.

I'm worried that he see's me as his rescuer as opposed to his partner. When I'm there he relies on me for many things. He said that he is scared of being alone but I don't want that to be the only reason he is with me. But I believe what he say's is true. If he didn't want me or love me, would he try so hard to convince me that his reasons are genuine when it is him that loses out every time we argue and it sends him into a guilt ridden depression. To save himself he has had to push me away many times. Which doesn't help me feel anymore secure in the relationship and we are dragged sooner each time into the same argument.

I have tried just accepting his reasons and staying in when he goes out (it would upset him greatly if I went out because he gets very paranoid) however I start to feel very resentful and cant decide between smashing something or bursting into tears. This is especially when I don't hear from him throughout the night or I see the photos of him with his arms around different women the next day. That is when the questions start coming.

Please could you help me to understand and remember. I don't want to lose him but I'm between a brick wall and a hard place and don't know how to break this cycle.