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Old 02-03-2010, 06:22 AM   #1
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mindy1974 HB User
Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

Please forgive the grammar and spelling mistakes I donít have spell check.
I would love any personal feed back on this issue itís a very lonely feeling and im tired of not being clear on what is going on.
Im 40 years old and have been in recover for 15 years, I have stayed sober most of the time but every few years relapse and end up hitting a bottom. All my relapsing had been around relationship issues and fears of abandonment. I have been working for 2 years with a therapist who strongly feels that im not a addict but a borderline personality disorder person, who has used drugs and alcohol to handle my BPD. I have read so much on every disorder and BPD is so similar to what I have that it scares me. I know I can never use alcohol or drugs safely, but I now understand why all the AA work I have done has never really helped except for making some great friends. I do know that im not bipolar even though it runs all over my family. I grew up in a abusive house and have all the classic trates of a child of a alcoholic. So the thing that bothers me, the reason I will not let myself except the BPD label is because there are some major symptoms that I donít have, self harm, rage, and narcissism. I feel like I would call myself a mild BPD. ďmildí is enough to make my world empty, hopeless, and always in fear of what others are going to do, or think of me. My obsession is to be loved and needed. This obsession has harmed many good people including myself. My biggest fear in the world is to be left alone, but when I think someone is rejecting or judging me I become very passive aggressive and disappear out of there lifes in hopes to inflict the pain they are causing me back onto them. Im happy with my medication, I take a small amount but its enough to keep me ďsaneĒ. I work with my therapist and im trying to learn. I know I should not worry about giving myself a label but I do long to know what the hell my issue really is. I want a real life, real self-worth, real self esteem, I want to trust people. I feel like such a liar when im in AA, I know im not like them but I love the support and friendship. I do feel at home in alanon, its like church to me. I posted here because BPD look a lot like bipolar and the bipolar friends I have totally get me and I get them- we laugh a lot but at some core issues we donít understand each other- and thatís fine!
Thank you for taking the time to respond,
derlinda

 
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Old 02-04-2010, 08:47 AM   #2
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esolc HB User
Re: Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

Quote:
Originally Posted by derlinda View Post
Please forgive the grammar and spelling mistakes I donít have spell check.
I would love any personal feed back on this issue itís a very lonely feeling and im tired of not being clear on what is going on.
Im 40 years old and have been in recover for 15 years, I have stayed sober most of the time but every few years relapse and end up hitting a bottom. All my relapsing had been around relationship issues and fears of abandonment. I have been working for 2 years with a therapist who strongly feels that im not a addict but a borderline personality disorder person, who has used drugs and alcohol to handle my BPD. I have read so much on every disorder and BPD is so similar to what I have that it scares me. I know I can never use alcohol or drugs safely, but I now understand why all the AA work I have done has never really helped except for making some great friends. I do know that im not bipolar even though it runs all over my family. I grew up in a abusive house and have all the classic trates of a child of a alcoholic. So the thing that bothers me, the reason I will not let myself except the BPD label is because there are some major symptoms that I donít have, self harm, rage, and narcissism. I feel like I would call myself a mild BPD. ďmildí is enough to make my world empty, hopeless, and always in fear of what others are going to do, or think of me. My obsession is to be loved and needed. This obsession has harmed many good people including myself. My biggest fear in the world is to be left alone, but when I think someone is rejecting or judging me I become very passive aggressive and disappear out of there lifes in hopes to inflict the pain they are causing me back onto them. Im happy with my medication, I take a small amount but its enough to keep me ďsaneĒ. I work with my therapist and im trying to learn. I know I should not worry about giving myself a label but I do long to know what the hell my issue really is. I want a real life, real self-worth, real self esteem, I want to trust people. I feel like such a liar when im in AA, I know im not like them but I love the support and friendship. I do feel at home in alanon, its like church to me. I posted here because BPD look a lot like bipolar and the bipolar friends I have totally get me and I get them- we laugh a lot but at some core issues we donít understand each other- and thatís fine!
Thank you for taking the time to respond,
derlinda
I have found that enabling ones self is common among even small bipolar issues, I have fought this most of my life but have only come to except myself for what I am, a person suffering from something I can not control. I even moved everything to my bedroom I owned and would not go outside of the house for weeks at a time. I have since embarked on a task of reconstructing my life from my days in High School. I have looked for patterns and took them head on. I have even contacted people from the past including old girl friends. I see a doctor and therapist once a month. I suffered the ravages of verbal abuse in my family, but have come to discover, it is not what was done to me, but what I did not have over the years. I am approching the whole illness from the back door, not trauma, but what I did not receive. I have found that with Bipolars any kind of a drug can be an addiction. We strive to convince ourselfs that we are different and effect that change through outside stimuli. Even aspirin taken when not really needed can be an addiction. As my first doctor use to say, when you remove something from your mental regime it is like loosing an old friend. I had been in pain that progressively became worse until I could only function 5 hours of the day. I had a cervical fushion, which was causing my problems. After the surgery, I immediately felt different, but missed the way I used to feel. That is when he gave me the loosing of an old friend statement. I have taken my wife to my sessions with the doctor and therapist. No one can understand what a broken arm feels like until they themselves have had one. At least my wife comes to understand some of the pain, but will never be able to totaly relate to my condition. I live in a buble as you but strive to understand rather refuse I am in a place I do not see myself.

Case

 
Old 02-04-2010, 09:51 AM   #3
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AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

It doesn't matter what mental health disorder you have you are also an alcoholic. You talk as though that if you had the diagnosis of Borderline personality then you can't be an alcoholic. You talk about not being able to use drugs or alcohol safely ...you can't use alcohol at all. And you say you feel like such a phony. It seems to me you are trying to deny the diagnosis of alcoholism and the diagnosis of BPD. Perhaps as long as you find a reason to deny both you will never find peace. IF you don't believe you have BPD then get a second opinion..perhaps fresh eyes on that subject because there should be no doubt you are borderline unless you are not being truthful with your therapist or you need some 'fresh eyes' on that subject...from what you say here i also question that diagnosis but then this is just a snippet of you on display here. But as far as your addiction to alcohol there is no second opinions on that issue and you can be proud that you stick with it ...but if you set yourself above or separate from your fellow alcoholics you only hurt yourself. I am a little confused about you saying that you were at home in alanon...so are you in AA or alanon...alanon is for family/friends of alcoholics. Having said all that ...the bottom line is if all that you are doing keeps you happy/sane and keeps you with friends then what more can anyone ask for. None of us are always happy with ourselves we all question what we are doing on this earth. Maybe it is just time to accept what you have and let go of what you can't have. The people in our lives come and go and they disappoint us all the time and really what most people label as friends are simply acquaintances that we meet at certain times in our life but most will not stay in our lives forever that is normal ...it is not abandonment it is just how life goes. Most people don't really have a true friend and if they do it is maybe one or two that they have for life. Most all the people you meet on your journey through life are just acquaintances and you should never feel abandoned when they move on though their respective lives. It is sad when they go but don't take it personally it is just time for them to move on. Good luck and follow your 12 step program ...that will help you the most.

 
Old 02-04-2010, 01:53 PM   #4
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mindy1974 HB User
Re: Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

ThAnks for the feed back. I go to Alanon all 4famliy members r drinking and drugn. 15 years in 12 steps but now that I have started cbt I feel a real change I have hope and I'm looking through new eyes. The more I learn bout bourderline people the more my life makes sense. I know it's going to be hard but somday I will trust myself and the great people god put in my life. That's way down the road.

 
Old 02-05-2010, 02:57 AM   #5
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SoWendy HB User
Re: Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

Derlinda, I relate to everything you said. I have Bipolar Disorder, panic and anxiety disorders. I am also a nearly 11 years sober alcoholic in AA with unbroken sobriety from Day One - Total Surrender. And I am a child of a horrifying alcoholic home.

I agree with Anne though on the alcoholic thing. Some people drink to have an aneasthetic to deal with mental illnesses, some because of genes, some because they had horric alcoholic upbringing, PTSD, peer pressure. But once that bridge of alcoholism has been breached, there currently is no way to take an alcoholic person and under the disease.

but once and alcoholic

 
Old 02-05-2010, 05:35 AM   #6
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mindy1974 HB User
Re: Any FeedBack Will Help!! BPD--bipolar.:(

thank you guys-- from what im reading i guess im really not making myself clear at all. i know I CAN NEVER DINRK OR USE DRUGS SAFTLY---EVER!. I GUESS I SHOULD JUST START ANOTHER THREAD SOMPLACE ELSE. i need help with my BPD issues, i post i another place. i will end this thread now, and get some other help.

Last edited by mindy1974; 02-05-2010 at 05:35 AM.

 
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