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Old 05-16-2011, 10:03 PM   #1
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BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

Hello,

Please read and comment. I know it's long but i would really appreciate any advice, thoughts, and/or experiences.

I was diagnosed with BP II the beginning of my second semester of college (Not too terribly long ago). Yeah that was a bit of a shock when i thought i was just going to talk to someone bc of anxiety and depression and i walk out with anxiety and BP II. Who knew. Anyways.. I was shocked and mildly horrified and it didnt help a whole lot when all my friends could say was welllll i might have thought that a time or two... wow thanks for the support. So i was left feeling attacked and alone. I wasnt in a relationship that was good for me at the time. On top of stress, anxiety, and BP i was being emotionally abused by this guy i was seeing. Sheesh. This sounds pathetic. Finally i realized he wasnt worth it and got out of that nightmare.. only to go spiraling down further simply bc.. i was alone. I met someone else a while later and he's my ground when the world around me collapses. But im mean and nasty to him sometimes(im not on medicine because i cant afford it right now.. i mean come on.. college student with a min wage job ha but anyways). And i know i am is the sad part and i cant do much to control myself. When im in a "mixed" state im so sweet to him and so in love i cant see straight but if on a complete high or low.. im just mean. I wish he didnt love me; as much as i hate being alone and cant imagine being without him, i love him enough to want him not to have to suffer just because i am. I hate what i say to him and how i make him feel but i really cant help it. Later i cry and apologise.. we are engaged... but im just terrified one day he is gonna wake up and realize he deserves someone.. "normal". I have more bad days than good it seems, especially lately, and im just not good at handling it and neither is he really. He tries and i love him for it but usually he just ends up shot down bc im in a bad mood. I was thinking about getting the book Loving Someone w Bipolar by Julie Fast Kind of for both of us i suppose but mostly for him. I would like to know if anyone has read it and if it is worth our time to read. Also if you have any tip or just comments in general (good or bad... all im asking for is honesty) i would really appreciate it. To whoever reads this, if anyone, thanks for your time and i hope maybe i in some way helped you.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-31-2011 at 09:00 PM.

 
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Old 05-17-2011, 04:25 PM   #2
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

hi. i understand how you are feeling. i started having symptoms of bipolar about 26-27 years ago. i had just gotten married and all of a sudden i turned into a maniac. at first i was treated for pms but eventually things just got worse and it wouldn't have anything to do with pms. so i got a diagnosis of bipolar 2. for many years i would beg my husband to leave me because i was so mean and horrible to him for the most part. i had my nice moments but mostly mean and depressed. i haven't responded to meds over these years and have been on just about every drug and drug combo there is. i've even had 2 rounds of ect treatment. electro convulsive therapy. i don't recommend it. after all the drugs and electric shocks i'm now just on zoloft. i'm still mostly depressed and spend a lot of time in bed but i also have more good days and even weeks. my husband never took my advice to leave but he is a very special and strong person. i hope your boyfriend is that person for you. it's hard to live with people like us. i know i couldn't have lived with me for 28 yrs. there are places you can go for help with your meds. call local hospitals,and see if there is a mental health clinic in your area. the pharmaceutical companies will even give you there drugs for free. if you find anything that helps you, please let me know.

 
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Old 05-17-2011, 06:31 PM   #3
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

let me see if i can offer you maybe a little insight or maybe even comfort in dealing with being bi-polar.I have been dealing with major depression and being bi-polar since 1992 and it has been battles of up and down since then.The one thing that i can say right off the bat is the fact you ARE having to suffer MORE because you are not on any medications due to your financial situation.I too was in that position when i was first diagnosed so i BEGGED the drs for samples of ANYTHING,i knew i ABSOLUTELY had to have something because i was not capable of doing ANYTHING plus i was pushing EVERYONE away from me AND i had lost my mother AND i had an 8 yr old son to care of by myself as i had been divorced for awhile.The first RX i was put on was Prozac 20mg it took it a little while to work but it finally kicked in and it i started feeling ALOT better.Over the years i would have "episodes" of being REALLY down or REALLY high and it was killing me.I was finally diagnosed as having MAJOR DEPRESSION,POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME(from my mothers death) and then being BI-POLAR.It has been a LONG HARD road but i am surviving,i still have good AND bad days.The one thing i need to impress upon you more than anything PLEASE GET HELP!!!! It IS out there and i realize you go to school and have no insurance but i PROMISE you there are ALOT of FREE places that can and WILL help you all you have to do is ask and they can even give you FREE therapy because thats what i got FREE SAMPLES and FREE THERAPY until i was on my feet and got a job with insurance.There is NOTHING to be ashamed of because first of all you can NOT help being sick and not everyone has insurance.Your boyfriend can even go to therapy with you if thats your wish and you have to KNOW he loves you or he wouldnt be there.I know its REALLY hard on my husband(i have since remarried)but he DOES realize it IS an illness like high blood pressure,being a diabetic,etc...So PLEASE i beg of you take that first step and KNOW that you dont always have to feel like you do now there IS ALOT of help out there REACH OUT AND TAKE IT!!!! Keep me posted i will be more than happy to talk to you ANYTIME until next time TAKE CARE!!!!

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Old 05-18-2011, 11:13 AM   #4
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

bldkie,

How would i go about pharmaceutical companies giving me free drugs? im getting to the point where im really desperate to get help from medicine but i just cant afford it. Ive also begged my man to leave me and he wont. He just tells me he's got to be strong for both of us and he always says when i ask how hes so strong when im mean that he knows who i really am and the meanness is the illness talkin not me. I've tried talking him the disease is part of me but he blows it off and says we'll just have a harder road than most but that we will make it. He's so strong and i love him even tho it's so difficult for me to show it. Thanks for your time and your story. I really appreciate it.

tinkerbell45,

Thank you so much. I would have never even thought of samples. That's a great thing to think about. What kind of doctor did you go to to get the therapy and samples? That is probably a stupid question but i didnt know if it was an actual therapist or a reg doc (im only asking bc a reg doc would have been cheaper obviously but i dont even know if you can go to a regular doc for it). After all the research ive done, the doctors are one of the only things i really dont know about bipolar. But again thank you.

 
Old 05-23-2011, 12:46 PM   #5
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

I know where you are coming from. I started having symptoms about 4 years into my marriage. It escalated over time to where I was finally diagnosed late last year. In the 7 years in between this has driven a significant wedge between my husband and I to the point where he was going to file for divorce just after my diagnosis. I was no longer the person he married and he didn't think I ever could be.

I convinced him to see a counselor with me and she had helped a lot. She explained things to him in a way I couldn't. Everything I told him seemed slanted since it was coming from me and he knew I was trying desperately to save our family. (We have two kids, ages 11 and 8) Having a third party help him see what this has been like for me has been what changed his mind. We are still recovering as a couple, but he understands more and is more patient with me when I am struggling.

His one condition is I MUST take my meds, and I can understand that. I know what it's like for a bipolar to stop meds since I have an Uncle with bipolar I (I am bipolar II), so I get it.

Best wishes for you as you navigate through this!

 
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Old 05-24-2011, 12:04 AM   #6
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

The very first time i got samples i got them from my regular family doctor then when i went back to him he referred me to what i call a "crazy dr" a phsyciatrist and she gave them to me.You just need to be sure that the drs. office keeps track of ALL the samples they give you AND i would suggest to you to keep a personal record for YOU that way you ALWAYS have something to go back on because i don't know about you but sometimes my memory isn't always that great.If your dr doesnt have samples ask them to ask the drug companies for samples because i KNOW for a fact that the drug companys DO give samples because before i became disabled i worked for a dr and drug reps came in the office ALL the time and if your dr knows about your financial situation they should be able to help.Also i live in VA and there is SEVERAL different companies here that do like a sliding fee schedule for not only your meds but the drs appt also. I hope i have helped you some and please stay in touch and let me know how things go.One more thing they were also able to help get me in with a therapist and i think that helped me turn the corner some,having someone NOT related to me to talk OPENLY to. Until next time TAKE CARE!!!

 
Old 05-24-2011, 12:18 AM   #7
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

Thank you VERY much for writing to me.It DOES suck dealing with all of this bi-polar stuff and the major depression,etc... but i KNOW that i can't go ONE day without my meds because if i do I can't stand myself LOL.... Even with all of my meds that i take i still have days where all i wanna do is lay in bed sometimes sleeping sometimes not and then there are REALLY bad days when i don't go out of my house,won't answer my phone or my door and i think WHAT is going on here with all of these meds and i STILL feel like this????!!!! I think that chemical inbalance in my head must be in a REALLY bad mood that day and on we live.....Stay in touch TAKE CARE!!!!!

 
Old 05-24-2011, 12:05 PM   #8
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

when you go to the dr and get a script you can find out from the pharmacy which company makes that drug. they might also be able to tell you how to contact them, if not call information. this just works for name brand drugs but most of these companies have programs that will offer their drug for free. good luck.

 
Old 05-24-2011, 04:03 PM   #9
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

hi. it's so wonderful, i hate to say wonderful but it's true, to know you are out there and experience what i feel. no one understands, as much as they try, unless you are going or have gone thru this. you make my heart happy. my mind i've given up on. lol. i understand EXACTLY how you feel. half the time i don't even get dressed let alone out of bed. i understand the not wanting to talk on the phone, not leaving the house, not answering the door. ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!

i'm blessed with a wonderful husband of 27 years and has endured the ups{ spending money we didn't have, awake half the night re-arranging the furniture, wallpapering, the mood swings of nice to terribly mean} and the downs {hospitalization, E.C.T. sessions, all the medicine changes, me not getting out of bed.) i've been on disability for several years so he has had to take on a second job... it's just a do what you have to do situation. thanks for writing back. please know what a blessing you are for me.

 
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

Reading your post was like reading my own story, minus the college part. I too was on the same path as you with the emotionally abusive man, and the big spiral downward when I finally walked away, with a child we had together. I did not know at the time that I was bipolar or suffering from an emotional disorder. That diagnosis was to come 4 years later after my father died and I was 4 months pregnant from a man I married on the rebound of my relationship with my first child's father. I have been down the med road too many times as I have a ton of trouble with meds and being either extremely sensitive to them, or they do not work.

Now I am holding on by my fingertips on meds that only slightly work. I too am engaged to a man who is very supportive and does his best to deal with me through it all. I too have treated him like crap- loving him one minute, and the next being completely mean and nasty to him. He is the first man who has stayed with me through all the ups and downs, and has seen the me beyond the BP. He knows that the one side he sees of me is the disease, and not the real me, but I am so surprised that he has not walked away seeing as I have put him through hell being so emotional many times. I too love him to pieces and see myself with no other, but there are the times too when he bears the brunt of my downs when I treat him like I don't care about him. It is hard to separate the feelings for him from when I am in a downward spiral, to when I am stable, but I try. He wants to get married in the fall and on days I am doing well, I can't see being with anyone but him, and loving him to the end. On days I am on a down side of this condition, I think that there is no way he deserves to be married to some one who is so wishy washy. I question the whole thing when everything feels so black. Right now I can't give any great advice as I am unstable med wise, but I related to your story as if I had told it myself, and had to comment. I hope you find a path to getting the meds you need, and send tons of hugs your way.

 
Old 05-29-2011, 07:03 PM   #11
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

dreamzcatcher5,

thanks for your story. Our stories do sound insanely similar. Its just so hard to figure out what is real and what isnt as far as feelings go when you have good days and bad. sending lots of hugs and thanks your way too.

 
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:54 AM   #12
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Re: BP II rapid cycler.. Just the story of your everyday... bipolar?

i think the thing youve gotta remember here is he loves you for who you are and he is still here with or without your illness, if hes still here he isnt going anyway, i know how hard it is to get a partner to understand (its virtually impossible if you ask me) but i think getting the book would be a really good idea infact i might steal that idea off you and please please please remember you must take your meds it is so so so important, over in the uk we are quite lucky as we have an nhs where we dont pay for medication whilst still in education, there must be some way for you to get help with that,
i hope so anyway, i hope this has helped and always remember when you feel so low and alone there are always others out there that are alone, so in a way we are all alone together
take care.

 
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