When I was first diagnosed with bipolar I didn't believe it either. I didn't tell the doctors I didn't believe them, I just nodded my head at everything they would tell me. I looked up bipolar on the internet and thought, "this doesn't sound like me at all." But the more I have been learning, and seeing how the medication has helped me, the more I have realized I am bipolar. Maybe it will take you some time to come to terms with it. I have admitted to myself that I have it, and I've talked about it on here, but I don't talk about it with anyone but my doctors and my parents. I feel very private about it. I don't want people to judge me. I don't want people to know.
Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know that I am not alone. I guess it is just going to take some time to accept. I havent told my family, I don't think I want to, it will just cause more issues. Maybe it's a good thing to finally know what's wrong with me! X
One of the things about being Bipolar is the denial we go through. We don't want to believe we have it, we go on meds and can sometimes reach a point where we think we don't need them anymore. Not everyone is like that, but many are.
Try to look back as far as you can remember and try to find events in your life which might be things people with BD would do, know you have been told. Often when we look back, events that happened and made no sense, suddenly fall into place. Times when we would say 'why did I react that way' or 'why did I say that' can be explained.
Thanks for the advice. I have been doing a lot of thinking and yes, there definitely are things that make sense now. I guess it's just going to take time to process this. Always thought I was a pretty in control type of person but clearly that's not the case! Just wish I could stop thinking about it. A close friend said something to me which really made me feel better, " bipolar is a noun, not an adjective. It doesn't describe you." I think this is a pretty good way of looking at it.
I like your friend So many people say 'Bipolars' as if people with BD are a race or something. We are not the disorder, we have a disorder, just as we have creativity, a sense of humour, cranky moments, doubts, etc etc etc.
Very very true! I just wish people would not be so scared of things like bp and that they would view it in the same light as diabetes etc. It drives me insane when I hear people saying things like 'just get over it' or 'snap out of it you havenso much to be thankful for'. If it was that easy then I would have gotten over it a long time ago, I never asked to have the issues I do.
I want to ask you if you can help me to understand hypomania a bit better. I thought I was just in a very positive mood which was a refreshing change, but clearly it was not the case. What is so bad about feeling positive, more confident, energetic etc? Even the no sleeping was fun and I didn't realize it was a problem because I thought I was just making up for the time I have lost sleeping too much.
It's still all a bit vague. I would love to hear more about how you have experienced everything x
When I had my mania phase it was combined with psychotic stuff, like hallucinations and I wasn't able to function very well on my job. I would go to work with no sleep and just act weird. It was sort of like I was sleep awake, yet really hyper feeling. It wasn't good. I didn't know I had bipolar or that I was having a manic episode, I just knew something wasn't right. I got a month off work, and was put on a lot of meds. Some of it was pleasant in the mania stage, but there was also a freaky element to it. I was paranoid and had all these wild fantasies. For example, I felt like there was a secret witch coven at my work. I thought I could hear someone's thoughts. Just totally bizarre experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
That sounds pretty hectic, must admit I have never experienced anything like that. Basically my story is that I have been an incredibly anxious person all my life and this just escalated over the past few years resulting in a spiral and depression and self medication with alcohol. It got so bad that I spent 4 weeks in a specialist clinic earlier this year. I still didn't accept that I had a problem and thought it was just the fact that I had picked up an enormous amount of weight that was the issue. I never really believed that I needed to be at the clinic when I met the other people there with huge issues.
Anyway, after returning home things improved for a while. The new medication I was out on seemed to help. Then I started spiraling again. This time I recognized it though and made the decision to break the cycle. What happened then was a period of immense anger and frustration, I hated myself for getting into the situation I was and I couldn't even look in a mirror. Then, just as suddenly as the anger had come, I became immensely positive. I had hope for the first time in years. I became more outgoing, friendly and confident. I wanted to do as much as possible because I wanted to make up for the time I had lost. I didn't want to sleep and generally felt extremelynhappy, motivated and energized. I felt amazing. It was during this time that I saw a new psychiatrist who is the one who has told me I am bipolar. She added some meds whichni am now taking. The intense happy feelings have reduced. I still don't want to sleep and find myself getting frustrated very easily. I can go from laughing to being angry in the space of an hour.
Most people have no idea that all this has happened. My work has never been affected and I have become pretty good at hiding my emotions, it really only when I am alone that I allow myself to think and feel.
I feel normal though which is why I also feel like a fraud who has made an issue out of nothing!
I have never hallucinated like you, and i have never acted completely impulsively or recklessly, besides drinking too much.
I guess it's just taking a while to digest everything and make sense of it all. Thinking back on my life I can see times when my actions and thoughts now make sense, but then I think that perhaps I am trying so hard to make sense of stuff that I am actually making it all up.
Anyway, it feels better knowing that I am not alone! Thanks so much for the support. Xxx
Its been nearly a year... lots has happened but am still not convinced about the BP2 diagnosis. I definately had a "happy" phase which was taken away far too quickly by the introduction of a new drug to my routine. I am desperate to get the happy feeling basck, but cant!!!!!!!
You need to tell you Dr. how the new med is making you feel and how desperate you are to feel happier. I think meds seem to be an ever changing mix, one cocktail may work for a while, but when you can identify that you are not feeling as good as you want to, try something new, sometimes even a slight dosage change or one new med added to the mix can help tremendously. You must be your own advocate.
The Following User Says Thank You to AngeInBoston For This Useful Post: Lisajane12 (09-28-2012)
I hope its comforting for you to know that all the thoughts, doubts, denials and strange emotions you have had. Other people have already had or are now having. You are not alone in this crazy world of ours. Things will get better and things will get worse. Sometimes smooth riding sometimes its a roller-coaster ride. Either way you are not alone.