Good day everyone! As most of the newbie entries, I will start it with the most common sentence: I've been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and have huge problems with it. In the time when the world itself goes upside-down and an additional problem of an illness comes in you just can't handle it anymore.
In an age of 23 usually a now-day modern girl would be try to hunt hunks, party and paralel actively study further a master. I'm a wife, a full time mother already 2 years, have finished my bachelor studies... in the meantime wanted to harm myself and divorce 3 times or make sexual affairs with unknown men. Luckily none of this has happened... but could if i wouldn't have taken the courage to go to a pdoc.
How did this happen? And why a marriage so fast, why have i chosen a child you may ask? Here is a long story. I have a question too. Hope you won't get bored with the situation explanation first.
I have been always desperately seeking love and relationships. The weird factor none of the native guys had any interest in me. I got the opposite. Since the first class in the school i was abused for being poor and too smart. People hated me - bullied, hitted, spitted and cursed . It got worse with the age. In the age of 11 I wanted to stop my life getting very ill. I had no joy to live anymore because I had to suffer every day 7 hours per day and cry and cry till i would blow up once a year completely. First i had trouble within the class, later the bullies made my whole school agains me. That was a price i had to pay for being smart. I was friendly and never tried to hate anyone but all i got back from my little hope was terrible pain.
I had 3 boyfriends abroad in a 3 year time. Have met them all, stayed with none of them. It always ended up like - I'm not the right man for you... Always the relationship started vivid, with such a passion, I was going on like a rocket ship, no need for sleep, no need for food, everything was SO vivid and rainbow coloured. I saw human auras, deja-vu's, such a passion. The next step - I bought fast a ticket to the place ( after knowing the person more than 6 months) , went there, had a super time, shopping spree, great sex... came home and in a week I was banned from their lives... Usually that would happen in the fall, and i was drowning within sorrow, sadness . Life sucked so hard i could hear it. So it would happen every autumn weather I had a relationship or no. And the great rush i would have experience always in springs or around January when it would start to develop.
During these big sorrow and joy periods i would have short time mood changes with no sleep and hyperactivity and then again times when everything seemed blurry, grey, and I would not do anything, just sit by the computer playing idiotic games, not visiting school or university or just sleep, sleep sleep hoping i wouldn't ever wake up.
After my last BF left me I had a very hard time. I was crying every day for everything, couldn't sleep, lost interest in everything, no joy, no life... And around January I have met a man who wanted me. Usually I was the initiator for everything. That was very refreshing, we started to meet. In the beginning I was afraid, didn't like him at all. He was too similar to my drunk father by the looks and reminded me of the awful childhood when he hit me and my brother with a broomstick and wooden sticks just for joy. That time i was only 3 years old and my brother only 2...
Despite the gut feeling around the middle of January I had a spontaneous idea - lets hitch-hike. Without any aim. Just to feel a foreign but close land. He joined this crazy idea, went with me there, asked why we were going there and could he wait more out from me (besides that in the previous evening i got drunk. he wanted something more...) I said that i just wanted to be here, without any further intentions. He was very disappointed but during the day talking and evening talking he made me change my mind and kissed me.... So I let myself drown within this beautiful feeling. In the first date I got pregnant. Me and a mother - haha. I had never such an idea in my head. I have always hated little kids and never seen one baby in my life. How wrong could i be?
So after 2 months i found out that I am pregnant. And i was also hospitalized with a pneumonia too in that time. I was affraid but told my boyfriend about this. He was on the top of the world and asked me - when will we marry?
And we married 3 months later,. I was so happy and so in love and so... alive. Despite the awful toxicosis I had, I was high as a kite. As my grandfather who died has left me some money for the university studies but i got to study for free I spent quite big sums every day. Shopping was unstoppable. Hairdressers, new clothes, new shoes, manicure... and also a lot of stuff for the new flat. I was spending like never and never felt so good about it. As it was my own money my husband had no problems with that. I paid his credit debts and covered the living.
Til the childbirth i felt tired and energetic at the same time. When i wasn't sleeping i was going out either shopping or to meet friends.
After my daughter was born the things changed vastly. First i didn't recognised her as my own child. I felt bigger love for my cat than to the little pink warm milk-sucking thing that was called to be my daughter. The waking up every 3 hours made me mad. I felt so tired i couldn't do anything, plus i had no idea what they mean with mother's love. I felt nothing. Also it seemed that now when the kid was out the love of my husband towards me had decreased. It was all about the child, i was sent into the background. The nights and the mornings were awful. Plus the parents and my husband in law were and still are rational, perfectionists which i was not. So I was the bad mother who doesn't do everything what they wanted. In the beginning I tried hard to meet the goals my husband has set for me. Cleaned house, made dinner, cared for the kid, but the more she was awake the more tired I got. When she was screaming I thought she wants to make me mad, when she was smiling I thought she is mocking me. I wanted to shake her ( in such moments i left her on the bed and left the room),
When the kid was 3 months old i returned to my studies. It was a relief, the moments i spent away from my family was a rest for my brains. No orders what and how to do anything. The money started to finish. My husband and I were unemployed so all my savings turned to the everyday outcome. I tried to do some jobs but it didn't help me at all. However the whole summer i spent away from the family, so I wouldn't meet my daughter. Time went. I started to become more anxious and sad. The world seemed black, I was crying for no reason every day, I felt so unhappy, so bad that it ate me alive. I was crying even in sleep.
things went worse. Few days after my daughter's first birthday i had a very bad mood, that didn't stop. I went outside to meet my friend and to talk with her. I was crying, crying and crying. Came home and went to sleep. Next day i had a presentation in my university class. I haven't done anything, all the time i had problems with my memory and concentration abilities. So I tried to improvise but also that leaded to nothing. Suddenly I heard something in the class like "look at her, how she looks like..." and got a panic attack that someone is laughing about me in front of my eyes yet behind my back. I started to stutter and couldn't think normal, the teacher said something judging about my work and i bursted out in tears but still tried to lead the presentation, went short outside and bursted again.
When returned to continue i just collapsed on the classroom floor crying and shouting - I can't hold it anymore! Took my stuff away and run home while crying nonstop. So I came home and lied within the bed crying for 7 hours and asleep. Next morning I was empty. My mind was like a blank page with a wormhole that sucked my deep inside into nowhere. I was in a different world. Every time someone started to talk with me i just cried. The rest of day i was staring into the wall. I ate, but i don't know what it was and had it any sense. I was drowning into nowhere, that was a very strange and strong urge to leave this place and move to that other silent dimension. So I was about 2 weeks long. People around me didn't understand this. The parents in law thought that i'm using them just want to be "that lazy *****" and play some kind of a game. That i am a pretender. My father in law asked to my husband what kind of narcotics I am using.
As I read about post-partum depression in a magazine, I tried to go to a doctor because my family would refuse EVER go to a pdoc. They still can't understand this and thinks that i don't need any medication at all. Because in their world doesn't exist people with mental problems. My GP also refused me to send to the pdoc saying - DIVORCE. I have divorced 3 times and it helps. But the problem was not in my husband or daughter. I knew that the problem is within me and I admitted that thinking and trying to harm myself ain't normal. At least after this very severe moment I had.
So I went to the psychiatrist. And she asked me: Where the hell have you been so long? At first she said that i have a post-partum depression but all the time she wrote on my page the diagnosis F31.0 . I looked after it and it was the code for bipolar. At that moment the doc said - you don't have it, i just wrote it down so you would get the pills cheaper... I got about 4 antidepressants. From the combination I got very weird hallucination alike dreams. Still I was quite unable to function. But i went to the University. In the February I woke up one day and looked at my daughter - SHE WAS MY BABY! I felt it, such joy and such love that came out of my every skin pore. I wanted to hug her and kiss her. And she became addicted from me since then too. Laughed, called me mom and kissed and hugged.
In the spring i got again hyper. I had to start to write the bachelor. All i did was playing video games and not sleeping. A lot of mess happened but long story short, I moved to my mom for some time and left the child by the grandparents. Slowly finished the bachelor. During the summer I started to decrease slowly the antidepressants one by one when the venlafaxine was decreased to the 75 mg i started to get depressive again.
3 days i didn't use it and got such a depressive mood and felt so bad that i couldn't get at all out of the bed. Then i crawled to my therapist and bought at last the medication. Still i felt very anxious and crying. As my doc was far from home I decided to change her to another doctor who was just near my place. As I asked her to give me the papers she said - Well i didn't tell you this but tell your doctor that you are Bipolar, the second type. Didn't want to make you stressed before the bachelor was finished. The other current pdoc admitted that i have bipolar 2 for sure.
He prescribed me Lamictal and left the Venlafaxine too. My husband was mad that I have "some kind of a diagnosis" and "will be addicted to more drugs". So he teared the Lamictal recipe. This Friday i will go to the doc again and take my husband with him so maybe he tell him what is going on and what will happen if i won't use any medication.
In the same time I don't feel normal at all, I don't want to do anything except drown away from this world weather within a book or better in a video game. The worst thing - I can't stop it. The urge is greater than anything. So I can get away from everyone around. But I have huge problems because i don't do anything at home.
I can't manage to commit the things my husband wants from me. I just can't. And I totally have no idea how to improve me. Yesterday he started to blame me for not doing anything and everything else - not doing proper ( however i try hard to get up, i get the child to the garden, I try to lead at least 3-4 private language lessons). I cried in pain for 3 hours. Wanted to run away but he locked me up in the home and continued to mock and blame me. The worst sentence was - I won't stop do this, I will push on your spots until they will bleed...