Sign Up Today!

fireofthedoom · 10-31-2011, 09:03 AM

Good day everyone! As most of the newbie entries, I will start it with the most common sentence: I've been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and have huge problems with it. In the time when the world itself goes upside-down and an additional problem of an illness comes in you just can't handle it anymore.

In an age of 23 usually a now-day modern girl would be try to hunt hunks, party and paralel actively study further a master. I'm a wife, a full time mother already 2 years, have finished my bachelor studies... in the meantime wanted to harm myself and divorce 3 times or make sexual affairs with unknown men. Luckily none of this has happened... but could if i wouldn't have taken the courage to go to a pdoc.

How did this happen? And why a marriage so fast, why have i chosen a child you may ask? Here is a long story. I have a question too. Hope you won't get bored with the situation explanation first.

I have been always desperately seeking love and relationships. The weird factor none of the native guys had any interest in me. I got the opposite. Since the first class in the school i was abused for being poor and too smart. People hated me - bullied, hitted, spitted and cursed . It got worse with the age. In the age of 11 I wanted to stop my life getting very ill. I had no joy to live anymore because I had to suffer every day 7 hours per day and cry and cry till i would blow up once a year completely. First i had trouble within the class, later the bullies made my whole school agains me. That was a price i had to pay for being smart. I was friendly and never tried to hate anyone but all i got back from my little hope was terrible pain.

I had 3 boyfriends abroad in a 3 year time. Have met them all, stayed with none of them. It always ended up like - I'm not the right man for you... Always the relationship started vivid, with such a passion, I was going on like a rocket ship, no need for sleep, no need for food, everything was SO vivid and rainbow coloured. I saw human auras, deja-vu's, such a passion. The next step - I bought fast a ticket to the place ( after knowing the person more than 6 months) , went there, had a super time, shopping spree, great sex... came home and in a week I was banned from their lives... Usually that would happen in the fall, and i was drowning within sorrow, sadness . Life sucked so hard i could hear it. So it would happen every autumn weather I had a relationship or no. And the great rush i would have experience always in springs or around January when it would start to develop.

During these big sorrow and joy periods i would have short time mood changes with no sleep and hyperactivity and then again times when everything seemed blurry, grey, and I would not do anything, just sit by the computer playing idiotic games, not visiting school or university or just sleep, sleep sleep hoping i wouldn't ever wake up.
After my last BF left me I had a very hard time. I was crying every day for everything, couldn't sleep, lost interest in everything, no joy, no life... And around January I have met a man who wanted me. Usually I was the initiator for everything. That was very refreshing, we started to meet. In the beginning I was afraid, didn't like him at all. He was too similar to my drunk father by the looks and reminded me of the awful childhood when he hit me and my brother with a broomstick and wooden sticks just for joy. That time i was only 3 years old and my brother only 2...
Despite the gut feeling around the middle of January I had a spontaneous idea - lets hitch-hike. Without any aim. Just to feel a foreign but close land. He joined this crazy idea, went with me there, asked why we were going there and could he wait more out from me (besides that in the previous evening i got drunk. he wanted something more...) I said that i just wanted to be here, without any further intentions. He was very disappointed but during the day talking and evening talking he made me change my mind and kissed me.... So I let myself drown within this beautiful feeling. In the first date I got pregnant. Me and a mother - haha. I had never such an idea in my head. I have always hated little kids and never seen one baby in my life. How wrong could i be?
So after 2 months i found out that I am pregnant. And i was also hospitalized with a pneumonia too in that time. I was affraid but told my boyfriend about this. He was on the top of the world and asked me - when will we marry?

And we married 3 months later,. I was so happy and so in love and so... alive. Despite the awful toxicosis I had, I was high as a kite. As my grandfather who died has left me some money for the university studies but i got to study for free I spent quite big sums every day. Shopping was unstoppable. Hairdressers, new clothes, new shoes, manicure... and also a lot of stuff for the new flat. I was spending like never and never felt so good about it. As it was my own money my husband had no problems with that. I paid his credit debts and covered the living.
Til the childbirth i felt tired and energetic at the same time. When i wasn't sleeping i was going out either shopping or to meet friends.

After my daughter was born the things changed vastly. First i didn't recognised her as my own child. I felt bigger love for my cat than to the little pink warm milk-sucking thing that was called to be my daughter. The waking up every 3 hours made me mad. I felt so tired i couldn't do anything, plus i had no idea what they mean with mother's love. I felt nothing. Also it seemed that now when the kid was out the love of my husband towards me had decreased. It was all about the child, i was sent into the background. The nights and the mornings were awful. Plus the parents and my husband in law were and still are rational, perfectionists which i was not. So I was the bad mother who doesn't do everything what they wanted. In the beginning I tried hard to meet the goals my husband has set for me. Cleaned house, made dinner, cared for the kid, but the more she was awake the more tired I got. When she was screaming I thought she wants to make me mad, when she was smiling I thought she is mocking me. I wanted to shake her ( in such moments i left her on the bed and left the room),

When the kid was 3 months old i returned to my studies. It was a relief, the moments i spent away from my family was a rest for my brains. No orders what and how to do anything. The money started to finish. My husband and I were unemployed so all my savings turned to the everyday outcome. I tried to do some jobs but it didn't help me at all. However the whole summer i spent away from the family, so I wouldn't meet my daughter. Time went. I started to become more anxious and sad. The world seemed black, I was crying for no reason every day, I felt so unhappy, so bad that it ate me alive. I was crying even in sleep.

things went worse. Few days after my daughter's first birthday i had a very bad mood, that didn't stop. I went outside to meet my friend and to talk with her. I was crying, crying and crying. Came home and went to sleep. Next day i had a presentation in my university class. I haven't done anything, all the time i had problems with my memory and concentration abilities. So I tried to improvise but also that leaded to nothing. Suddenly I heard something in the class like "look at her, how she looks like..." and got a panic attack that someone is laughing about me in front of my eyes yet behind my back. I started to stutter and couldn't think normal, the teacher said something judging about my work and i bursted out in tears but still tried to lead the presentation, went short outside and bursted again.

When returned to continue i just collapsed on the classroom floor crying and shouting - I can't hold it anymore! Took my stuff away and run home while crying nonstop. So I came home and lied within the bed crying for 7 hours and asleep. Next morning I was empty. My mind was like a blank page with a wormhole that sucked my deep inside into nowhere. I was in a different world. Every time someone started to talk with me i just cried. The rest of day i was staring into the wall. I ate, but i don't know what it was and had it any sense. I was drowning into nowhere, that was a very strange and strong urge to leave this place and move to that other silent dimension. So I was about 2 weeks long. People around me didn't understand this. The parents in law thought that i'm using them just want to be "that lazy *****" and play some kind of a game. That i am a pretender. My father in law asked to my husband what kind of narcotics I am using.

As I read about post-partum depression in a magazine, I tried to go to a doctor because my family would refuse EVER go to a pdoc. They still can't understand this and thinks that i don't need any medication at all. Because in their world doesn't exist people with mental problems. My GP also refused me to send to the pdoc saying - DIVORCE. I have divorced 3 times and it helps. But the problem was not in my husband or daughter. I knew that the problem is within me and I admitted that thinking and trying to harm myself ain't normal. At least after this very severe moment I had.

So I went to the psychiatrist. And she asked me: Where the hell have you been so long? At first she said that i have a post-partum depression but all the time she wrote on my page the diagnosis F31.0 . I looked after it and it was the code for bipolar. At that moment the doc said - you don't have it, i just wrote it down so you would get the pills cheaper... I got about 4 antidepressants. From the combination I got very weird hallucination alike dreams. Still I was quite unable to function. But i went to the University. In the February I woke up one day and looked at my daughter - SHE WAS MY BABY! I felt it, such joy and such love that came out of my every skin pore. I wanted to hug her and kiss her. And she became addicted from me since then too. Laughed, called me mom and kissed and hugged.

In the spring i got again hyper. I had to start to write the bachelor. All i did was playing video games and not sleeping. A lot of mess happened but long story short, I moved to my mom for some time and left the child by the grandparents. Slowly finished the bachelor. During the summer I started to decrease slowly the antidepressants one by one when the venlafaxine was decreased to the 75 mg i started to get depressive again.
3 days i didn't use it and got such a depressive mood and felt so bad that i couldn't get at all out of the bed. Then i crawled to my therapist and bought at last the medication. Still i felt very anxious and crying. As my doc was far from home I decided to change her to another doctor who was just near my place. As I asked her to give me the papers she said - Well i didn't tell you this but tell your doctor that you are Bipolar, the second type. Didn't want to make you stressed before the bachelor was finished. The other current pdoc admitted that i have bipolar 2 for sure.

He prescribed me Lamictal and left the Venlafaxine too. My husband was mad that I have "some kind of a diagnosis" and "will be addicted to more drugs". So he teared the Lamictal recipe. This Friday i will go to the doc again and take my husband with him so maybe he tell him what is going on and what will happen if i won't use any medication.
In the same time I don't feel normal at all, I don't want to do anything except drown away from this world weather within a book or better in a video game. The worst thing - I can't stop it. The urge is greater than anything. So I can get away from everyone around. But I have huge problems because i don't do anything at home.

I can't manage to commit the things my husband wants from me. I just can't. And I totally have no idea how to improve me. Yesterday he started to blame me for not doing anything and everything else - not doing proper ( however i try hard to get up, i get the child to the garden, I try to lead at least 3-4 private language lessons). I cried in pain for 3 hours. Wanted to run away but he locked me up in the home and continued to mock and blame me. The worst sentence was - I won't stop do this, I will push on your spots until they will bleed...

Minerva78 · 11-02-2011, 08:05 AM

Oh boy, I first want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through so much. And I hate that you do not have the support that you completely deserve. There are so many things going on that the best thing is to try to take it one at a time, focus on one thing to work to change, to keep from getting so overwhelmed. I get extremely overwhelmed and stressed out as well, and it makes all of my symptoms so much worse.

From everything you described, it definitely sounds like you have a bipolar disorder, and that in itself is a hard thing to accept. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago and sometimes I still don't accept it. What's worse is that you don't have any support in place to make you feel like it's okay, that's it not your fault, that there is something going on in your brain that makes it harder for you to function in everyday life and under stress than most people - that's what I try to tell myself. I'm also married, work full time, have 2 and 4 year old kids, my youngest has developmental needs, my husband is in school full time yet once again, and he doesn't work so I am the only income. Which is very difficult because it's so hard for me to concentrate at work, and I don't even like my job anymore. But the one thing I can say is that when I really need my husband to be there for me, to help me out, to be supportive, he is there, I just have to have the courage to ask him. And you don't have that, which worries me a lot. I am extremely worried about the last thing you said, about him mocking you, tearing up your prescription, locking you in the house and saying those horrible things to you - you do NOT deserve that. Do you feel like your husband will come to you on Friday to your appointment? He really needs to, and honestly I think both of you may need to see a psychologist/counselor as well, in addition to the psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is only going to treat you with medicine - which you do need, but you also need somebody to help you regarding the stress that is going on in your marriage. I don't know how that would work, your husband doesn't sound open to it, but it's worth a try. I want to go back to see my psychologist again, but don't really have the money now that my insurance copays are so high - but I hope something can work out eventually, after the holidays.

I think one of the first things that could be helpful for you to try to accept is that this is NOT all you. Yes, you have a bipolar disorder, and yes, it can be difficult for others to live with us when we have this illness. BUT the stress your husband (and it sounds like his family as well) is putting you under is only going to make your illness worse, and he needs to realize that. I am learning that all too well, because my husband being in school and me doing most of the duties with the kids and in our house will still working full time causes me a ton of stress too. If he wants you to come close to feeling like you are functioning normal again, he has to accept his responsibility in all of this too. I don't know if he can, but it's worth a try. It's going to be hard to work on getting your bipolar under control as well as your marriage, but you have to have hope that you can get through it, or get to a place in your life that you feel comfortable with yourself, whether or not your husband is in the picture. But I don't agree with whoever said divorce is the answer, not right away. You deserve a chance to see if this can get better. And if it doesn't, and your husband is only making things worse for you, then that may be a conversation. But I think you will need to get your bipolar under control before you can make any good decisions about that, in my opinion.

I hope that is helpful and I do understand some of what you are going through. My mood swings seem to be better under control today, but they may not tomorrow, since I have bad rapid cycling bipolar, so I wanted to respond when I could actually say something coherant. But I'm here if you want to talk.

fireofthedoom · 11-03-2011, 04:45 AM

Thank you so, much Minerva for the response. Other doctor I was talking to said that I might have cyclothimia aswell because I really don't know how it is to be normal. I have only manic or more or less severe depressive moments. And, yes since I have married I've been all the time in stress because my wed husband and relatives doesn't know how to live different than in all time stress. They are working like mad and if everything is calm they provocate the stresful events so they would get a dosage ( it's kinda of an energetic vampirism if I might say so). That day when i wrote about last words of my husband he was drunk. Next day he didn't remember a thing but still that doesn't make this easier. He has some disorder too, has been hospitalized for something, but it is more binded with the shizophrenic side. When he gets drunk he shuts down. Like the guy in the Fight Club or Mr Jeckyl and Hide. You might say that this is just an crazy family. Yesterday he took wows and what else not... but i am no sure if I want to live like this with a demanding and conducting around all the time. I have changed already a lot but I don't want to loose myself. And some dirty dishes in the sink ( i wash them every day) shouldn't be factor for a divorce. But if so... then let it be. Tomorrow will be the doc day. Last time i was there the other pdoc who prescribed me the medicine said: If your stubborn husband doesn't let you in peace then we will put you in a hospital so you would be able to rest from everyone.

Minerva78 · 11-04-2011, 07:30 PM

It really sounds like you've been through a lot and there definitely is a lot to think about with your husband. It's a shame that he has some issues but is not able to face them, to deal with them. But you are dealing with yours, no matter how hard it is for you, and that makes you very brave.

A week ago, I felt like I wanted to divorce my husband because of some $27 charge from our bank account, when we already had very little money to get through the rest of the month. Even after he explained to me that it was a mistake, that a company had charged him twice for something he ordered and they were going to credit our account, I still felt all of this anger towards him. I guess in some ways I resent him because he has never been able to find work, so he spent all of these years getting a bachelor's degree that is now worthless in this economy, and I have to put up with him spending 2 more years getting a technical degree, that will hopefully allow him to either find a job or work for himself. But I'm tired, tired of of carrying the burder of our family, when I feel so mentally unstable, and now also dealing with some unknown physical problem that could flare up again at any moment. I hate even thinking about it, because thinking about it makes me just feel worse. He loves talking about the degree he is in now, he has so much more passion for this than he did throughout getting his bachelor's degree, and though it used to make me feel good that he was feeling good, now I don't want to hear about it at all, don't even listen to him most of the time, because I don't even care. I want him to be able to shoulder the burden of our family NOW, not in another year and a half. Sometimes I don't even know if I can wait that long. I wish a could go to counseling again, but I can't afford it. I guess the point of all of that is that I understand what it's like to feel like you want to get divorced, and I'm not dealing with 1/10 of what you are going through. I completely understand your pdoc saying he would admit you to the hospital just to get some peace, because I've thought about that myself. Some days it takes all of my strength to control these impulses to do things that I know will land me in a hospital, because if I'm the only income, and I can't work, then everything will fall apart for my family. But you are dealing much more serious issues in your marriage, and that's really hard when you already have your own issues that are difficult. I really hope something will happen to help you get the emotional support you need.

How did your appointment go today?

fireofthedoom · 11-07-2011, 05:30 AM

On Friday we went together to the doc. The conversation was messy because my husband all the time was interrupting me and the doc and also overrated all my failures (every failure counted as 3 and so on). When I added that he has some problems too somehow during the conversation the doc managed to persuade him to visit him and check his condition. Because as I mentioned this nightmare is like a coin with two sides. We both are unstable and that's just like a ticking time bomb attached to the everyday life.
I got at the moment 3 options - use just medication, use medication and intensive psychotherapy, or get hospitalized in a new clinic far away from my home. Currently I have chosen only medicine and maybe later will add some psychotherapy. The psychotherapist visits here are awfully expensive ( they have to be twice a week and the charge is 15 LVL for each that means about 30$ for one visit, in month there should be about 8 visits so, that would cost for me 240$). That is 40$ more than my monthly salary. So ... ain't gonna happen - we need to eat too. Clinic would be paid by the government but my husband didn't want to hear about that. Again new medicine, he wouldn't be able to do everything... blablabla...
However the doc tried to convince him that it would be the best for me to have peace and silence he refused. So i got some additional antidepressant to my menu and it makes me asleep wonderful, i get awesome hallucinative dreams but... in the morning i can't get up. So i feel very blah and look with horrors to my Mizatazapine package already. Still no wish to do anything. The day i have spent playing idiotic games half asleep and doing nothing. And I can't help myself to get up and do something useful. The Blah! emotion really fits my mood perfectly. You can't be more blah... maybe only half sitting in a bed. Blah...

Sign Up Today!

Join Our Newsletter

Whoops,

Thank You