Hi, I am posting this because I have never had support from someone that also deals with bi-polar and I just want to know that things can get better and life will go on!
Here's a little history, I suffered abuse when I was 11 and grew up with a violent alcoholic father. However, I didn't want to go down his avenue and I did a very good job of pretending everything was okay when it felt like I was dying inside. I was diagnosed with depression from around the age of 14. When I started University in Sept 2008, I was determined that I could beat the depression so stopped taking the meds. I was then diagnosed with Bipolar II in January 2011. I was on Seroquel until September 2011 and after a particularly bad episode I am now on Lamotrigine, Anti-depressants and Valium when needed. I have just come off the Seroquel.
I have had a series of failed relationships and always blame myself for them ending or my partner resorting to cheating on me. I always went in head first, probably looking for love and most importantly security.
When I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar it was following a tough few months. I broke up with my partner of 3 years after learning he had cheated and was entering my third year of University. My mother had split with my father and had a new partner so we lost how close we were. I had a bad manic episode where I spent nearly £2,000 in a matter of weeks, was putting myself in extreme danger with how drunk I was getting without caring about the consequences and constant thoughts about suicide.
Even now, I am not stable at all. I give a very good image that I'm okay and I can deal with this. I haven't eaten a proper meal in weeks, been self-harming and thinking morbid thoughts. I cannot sleep properly and I have no concentration and constant worrying fears. I keep having panic attacks and I always fear for my safety and do not like being anywhere on my own.
I just need to know that things will get better because at the moment it looks bleak and I struggle talking to people about things as I don't like people seeing that I'm weak. Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.
Gosh I am so sorry nobody replied to your post, i hate when that happens!
It sucks....even if you have great support, a great pdoc, great tdoc, friends and family who get you....it's a circle of fear, insanity, craziness that never seems to end, right? Except it does, eventually...the meds kick in, they do their job and things stable out. I was stable for almost 4 years before this lil brilliant decision of mine....yeah depression was an issue, but I could work with that. Keys to living with it...take your meds, always...don't self medicate...bad idea...listen to your pdoc and tdoc....if you don't have good ones then get good ones. I've been through 17 pdocs in my 23 year Bipolar journey...my current pdoc I've had for 7 years, and if he ever retires I give up...lol..luckily we're the same age, so I'm good on that. When you find a pdoc that cares, and gets you and genuinely wants to help you....stick with them....trust me they are not all like that. My pdoc works with me, not at me or against me...we discuss meds and agree on them, I don't get told to "just take this". I can reach him 24/7, at home, in the car, in the office wherever.....he's not afraid to tell me when I've screwed up....and he's not afraid to stick my *** in the psych ward when things get too bad....when you're suicidal 360 days of a 365 day year you need a doc that gets it. So make sure you and your doc are on the same page....managing this disease is incredibly hard at times....and it is so easy to just say screw it and give up...too easy.
Hang in there, don't give up...know that it does get better and you can live a stable life for long periods of time....you can work and be productive and do the same things other people do. Yeah we do have to fake it sometimes until we can actually do it.....Fake it to Make it....lol...my pdocs key saying....but you do it everyday whether it's real or not and before you know it, one day you wake up and it's real. I'm an accountant, I work everyday, I'm actually better when I have to be accountable to someone else. Yeah I'm not so good at being accountable to myself...like you I don't eat....I just forget....food is just a thing......sleep??? who sleeps I can go days on 2 hours sleep...but I've been living this life long enough that I KNOW it will get better...things will settle down....just have to give it time and try not to go totally nuts in the process!
Hang in there okay...just take it a day at a time...or an hour at a time if that's too much.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggle and I hope things go better for you. I have been struggling with Bipolar for almost 5 years now and am still not stable.
I am a cynical person, so I understand where your coming from with negative thoughts. I have had many negative or pessimistic thoughts, racing thoughts and anxiety and one critical self therapy strategy is self reflection. If you have a lot to think about, write it down on the computer or paper.
Keep a record of your pain, because when you get better you can look back and gain perspective. Trust me, as many ups and downs, mania, chronic depression and manic depressive episodes, I always get better, and I always can go back and see how bad it was. Makes me realize how much I have gained since then.
Things will get better because they usually do. I am dealing with bad anxiety and depression right now and am missing work over it. But in 2 weeks things might be different. A lot can happen... just try and be patient and try to stay healthy.
Know your not alone. I will recap later but somewhat similar. Mine started with a near death car accident, coma, life support mine is the brain injury.of coherent father was alcoholic and went through sexual abuse at 7 than 16. I will go into later but just tired on depakote and klonipin. You are not alone I thought I was till I saw this sight.hang in there there's people that love and care, k!
I was dx 5 years ago but I know things started going sideways about 18 years ago when I started college. I was hospitalized the first time after I got on a plane trying to get away from my life. On the way to the airport I hit some sort of animal with my car. The week before that I got 2 speeding tickets. Spent alot of money we didn't have. When I got off the plane my husband picked me up and told me everything was okay and that I had to go to the hospital. I've had a couple of more hospitalizations. Almost ended up in the ER last night during a manic episode. Once you find a good pdoc do whatever you can to stay their patient. I drove 45 minutes and sat in the waiting room for an hour for mine today (it was that or the ER). It will probably take a while to find the right combo of drugs. Feel better.