Bipolar - Advice - Reluctant about going back on Meds
Hi there, I have never posted in a forum or blog before. I have rapid cyciling bipolar disorder. To sum it up, it first appeared as depression when I was about 18 and for the following 5 years I was put on many (by many, im literally reffering to about 50 diff kinds of medicine) the medications that did not work and I was completely out of control - I spent thousands of dollars, dropped out of school (I later re-enrolled and finished), ran away and lived in other countries, gave away everything I own, cut off all my hair, used drugs, gained and lost about 40 lbs, drank to the point of blacking out several times a week, was in and out of the hospital for overdosing on pills, I carried on inappropriate relationships ect ect...
So, I decided that I would stop taking all my medince and see what happens...what happened was that I crashed into the most morbid depression and ended up spending 3 weeks in patient program in the hospital where Drs finally put me on lithium, geodon, serequel, and some others. Long story short, ever since I was in the hostpital and started taking lithium, my life has been normal. Over the past 3 years, I have been taking JUST taking 300mg of Lithium, its enough to keep me sane (I have a steady job, friends, none of my old issues) but not enough to maintain a healthy relationship with my bf of 4 years. All of my 'bi-polarness' for lack of a better term, has been chaelled into my closest relationship - I can be explosive and unpredictable. I have screwed up the relationship 6 ways to sunday, Ive left him and come back on repeat and he is giving me one last chance. I dont want to mess it up but I need to deal with the depression and my reluctance to taking medicine. The drugs make me dull, but better. I am very artistic and I worry the drugs will kill it again, Im scared of getting fat again, and I really just have a hard time accepting what I know is a real condition I have.
I've finally made a promise to myself and my bf that I will get back on a program. For now, the best I have been able to do is make myself take 450mg of Lithium, but my doctor is recommending at LEAST 600mg. I am having a hard time accepting this, I used to take 1600mg but I just cant remember what the difference was. I also am starting to take Viibryd, the doctor says 10mg is enough for me, but I am only taking 5mg. I am scared of getting fat and I dont trust SSRIs - Ive taken them all before in combo with LI too. I used to take topomax to deal with weight gain, but it made me so stupid I refuse to take it again. Lamictal does not work for me. Basically I need some advice, does anyone deal with this? Because I dont want to take medicine, I take such small doses Im not sure they even work. I wonder if anyone else feels lithium has been effective at very low doses? And does anyone have any experince with Viibryn? Is 5mg doing anything at all? I am afraid the 10mg is too much for me - I gained 30lbs when I took just 10mg of Paxil. I wonder if anyone can tell me some medicines they recommend or really anything would help, just to know if anyone else feels this way or if Im out here on my own. I'm so seemily normal compared to how I used to be - even though I am taking so little medicine - I have to believe it is working. Sorry for the long post...first time I guess. Im a female, 5'6" about 140lbs - and I run 12 miles per week min.