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Old 09-22-2012, 02:38 PM   #1
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ocdsux108 HB User
not accepting diagnosis too well...

Hi all,
I'm new to this particular board due to my new diagnosis from my psychologist as BIPOLAR!! My appointment with my psychiatrist is next week so i guess he will get more in depth with me about it.
Basically, I've been treated for depression/anxiety for about 20 years...been on Prozac, Paxil, and numerous anti-anxiety meds (which i never really take for long periods of time due to my OCD/phobic issues) and these meds would work for a while and then i'd think wow i'm better and i'd get off them. After I had my 2nd child, my mood was never back to normal. I'd go for months being "okay/normal", but i don't think that was really ever the case.
I have extreme hand washing OCD, emetophobia (fear of vomiting), germ phobia, really severe anxiety/panic issues and yet i function completely to the outside world...i'm married (how he puts up with me and my dysfunction i will never fully understand--it's hard to understand why he loves me and stays here), have 3 beautiful children, work full time...yet, i've never been so depressed, overwhelmed or unhappy in my 36+ years of living.
As of lately, my thoughts have been so negative, so bad, so unhealthy...My new psychologist thinks I'm bipolar and have been my whole 20 years of being treated and i've never gotten any relief because my other docs never really took my depression as serious enough i guess. As far as when she actually brought up bipolar disorder as a possible diagnosis, i felt a sense of relief mixed with a ton of sadness and sickness. There is such a stigma attached with that word and I've never given it much thought when it came to MYSELF.

So when i left her office, I cried for 2 hours wondering where my doctors went wrong and could I have been well a lot sooner? It's been quite a month doing research, reading up on it...i'm still not okay with this. I think the main problem i'm having is that i'll have to be on meds for the rest of my life. I have a huge phobia of taking medications...side effects scare me. I'd love to get well...I'd love to be more "stable and present" for my family...that should be enough for me to just accept it and move forward but i haven't yet. For the past few weeks, I've been consumed with thinking negative thoughts...basically wanting to stay in bed...knowing I can't do that and i HAVE TO function for my kids & that physically hurts.

I am just so sad and dark...when i'm alone, it's worse and i like having my alone moments where it is just me and my thoughts. My poor husband struggles to understand.

My interests have dwindled away...I have times where I do try to be "normal" and I go out with my friends...on the outside, I'm ok but my thoughts are constantly on my phobias...or on my darkness, which in turn depresses me and makes me extremely anxious. VICIOUS CYCLE!!!!
I'm hoping that I want to get well enough to actually take the meds my doc is sure to give me...right now...i don't want to and that alone scares me. Will I ever feel ok again?

I even think of committing myself for a while but they will force me to take meds and possibly lock me up...don't want that either.
I'm in a constant fight as to how to accept the diagnosis, be happy with it, move on...OR lose the battle...
Any insight? Anyone go thru anything like this??

Last edited by Administrator; 09-23-2012 at 02:08 AM.

 
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