I appreciate whole heartedly the ability to sit comfortably with my body able to move freely and relax at my will. Being bipolar is not the "..so they're happy then sad" kind of life that everyone misinformed sees & feels it is..
But I laugh because before I looked into it.. & experienced the episodes first hand I felt the same way about it.
and get it more in-depth in the physical; Dealing with hypomania is an intensely jittery, cranked up & highly ungrounded feeling. At home it may be something I can work through focusing my attention on any agenda like practicing makeup or w/e else for that day. At work or in public the feeling intensifies by 1000 & there's no other means to calm myself other than relaxing my inner to the best of my abilities, taking many breaks, & prayer.
--The depressed state is a doozy to say in the least
I'm more of a happy person generally. So I guess I relate more to the confident: "I could get things done despite
how my body's reacting to this situation right now" type of feelings coupled with my manic experiences than those that come with depression. I realize first hand you do NOT
have to be sad or be a sad person to experience depression in its most Raw & Earthly form. In my case, depression is just the inevitable crash&burn after my mania subsidies because, we all know 'what goes up must come down'.
Are you familiar with the feeling of horrible stomach tenderness after drinking alcohol on a less than full tummy? We've all done it. Lying down helplessly submerged in your bodily broken drunkenness looking forward
to when these feelings subside. You are no good to the world. Yet neither am I when depressed.
suck that with mental disease.. there is no one reason that causes these experiences; these episodes. At least when you're throwing up you know why.. :You had too much to drink.
The "mental disorder" title makes pinpointing a cause so tricky. So unfortunate. The thing is.. I have to
come to terms with the fact that the physical manifests itself mentally
with this type of dis-ease & dis-order. FEELING increase of energy that guides racing thoughts & poor judgement to often boundless notions. FEELING the bodily crash after the mania subsidies & I become terrified with how sick & lifeless my body can Feel
without my permission. The thoughts that follow these feelings in depression are ones only myself & God know about but other than that I know every depressed battle crowns me a survivor in His eyes
All in all I would NEVER
say I AM Bipolar again. ..no.
..Would you say 'My name is so-and-so; I am AIDS.. I am Cancer... I am diabetes?
This is not something I ask for or have any control over. This IS something I can learn from and be grateful that I have made it another day through these occasional symptoms. It is not easy, no. Nothing in life is. It is not typical because everyone is different. That is life also. It IS
treatable and can
be understood if we took the time to learn about what we
deal with. Those with the disorder & those living with people who very unfortunately have it as well.
It may just save your life. It may
give you different eyes. Eyes that aren't afraid of what anyone else thought because taking care of YOU matters so that you can take care of THEM. The he or she who loves you and will stand by you regardless. It IS your life. Live it fully.
I am NOT bipolar's. My name is Crystal. . . & I HAVE bipolar.