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Old 03-25-2013, 07:19 PM   #1
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I'm so angry at my depression!

Hello everyone. Do you ever get angry at having this disease and if so, what things/thoughts have helped you cope?

I have been extremely, consistently depressed for the past 4 or so weeks. I have a therapist to talk to and I have an upcoming pdoc appointment for a change in medication, but that is about 4 weeks ahead. I've been following my therapists advice as much as possible considering I haven't felt up to doing much and my thoughts are slowed, and concentration is out of the window!

Today I woke up depressed as usual, but somehow forced myself to at least do something (because even though I felt like sleeping I knew logically I shouldn't have been sleep deprived). I had a goal of being efficient today and it has worked for the most part. This morning, about an hour or so after forcing myself to get out of bed, I started feeling very angry at bipolar depression. I don't know who I'm angry at exactly but I am. I started thinking of all the reasons why I resent this depression, what it's turned me into, what I'm missing out on, how I'm affecting others. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can catch my drift. It makes me sad and angry all at the same time!! I try not to turn my anger inwards, but I don't always succeed, and sometimes I'm even angry with myself for not overcoming it. I'm angry at myself for things I don't fully have control over. I'm angry at my support system/s for not entirely understanding what it's like and pestering me and giving me lame advice like "Why don't you just try to be happy?" I'm resentful of them and a bit jealous of them that they only have to deal with "life" versus dealing with life AND depression. I know life is hard for everyone, but life with depression is just...even worse than hard. Then I get angry at myself all over again because I know they are just trying to be supportive and they are trying their best. I get angry at the question "How are you doing?" -because I'm conflicted between being honest and telling them I feel awful and trying to say something positive or say something that's a downright lie.
The rest of today I've been trying to wipe away this negative angry mood over and over but it persists. When I'm not depressed so bad I'm an optimistic person who constantly tries to look on the bright side, so this really blows. I also like to keep a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude about me but that is becoming very draining and I just may have to rethink or reduce that until my pdoc appointment comes around. It is exhausting trying to act a way that you're really not at the moment! I need to find a happy medium. Well I guess I'll leave it at that because I'm going on and on.

 
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Old 04-03-2013, 01:13 PM   #2
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

Oh my i am with you on this! I wake up every single day extremely depressed for the past 5 or 6 years!! i hate it, resent it! Part of my depression stems from this horrid skin disease i have called hidradenitis! It has ruined my life all together! It limits my mobility, it is SO difficult to be around people because of it. I miss the old me to! I used to be FUN to be around! In fact i earned the nic name mo, as in the 3 stooges! lol!!!
Well, that was long long ago, now i have earned other names that are not SO nice!
I am almost 56 years old, now living in a garage! Lost our place on 3 acrs! I do not have my own bathroom which i need desperately! BUT, i am stuck here! I applied for low income apartments, the waiting list is years long! I want to leave HERE so bad i can taste it, but, nothing i can do about it! Me and my spouse HATE each other, i sleep in garage, he in the house. This is my brothers house. We've been married for 37 long years, and i am sick of living with him as much or more than he living with me! Im real real depressed right now, CANT stand it! Cant stand that i suffer from that HS and chronic depression! I dream of leaving all by myself and live where no one can bother me! I know TONS of people that are suffering from major depression/anxiety!

Oh, lol, have you noticed i cant spelled for diddly? LOL! Trying to be humorous!
Hope things get better for you. Hang in there! What else cn we do but to hang in there right?
God bless and take care ok!!!

 
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Old 04-10-2013, 11:41 PM   #3
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

"why dont you try and be happy" lol, (laugh out loud) i have heard that from so many family members, they just dont understand how we feel .

as for your angry: angry gets us no where, just deeper into the dark, depressive hole we have found ourselfs in. try not to think so much about your emotions, and ride with the flow.

 
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Old 04-14-2013, 08:26 PM   #4
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

Ohhhhhhh, I have been right where you've been. right there. I pitied; I resented. Dealt with the drained pain. The even more draining, aching pain of trying to force light and positivity within a weakened body & spirit that is HEAVY with darkness. The wanting so badly to be in another body or to be just... ANOTHER. Jealous of your "normal" friends or family because they only "deal with LIFE & NOT LIFE WITH depression." I totally catch your drift. I can somehow read what you've said and throw myself right back into those memories. but you know what? as I type to you right now... that's all those are. MEMORIES. I know you would be mad with yourself for not overcoming it at the times you would MUCH RATHER be without it. But guess what? I learn through this disease especially that Life does not always work to a certain degree I would prefer. Let me just get down to what concerns what you've expressed, right?

I wouldn't dare beat myself up. That would be a happy medium. I don't know how many times before you've dealt with dumb-depression. Yet, I would maybe examine EVERY episode. Usually, there is a lesson in it afterwards. There's an appreciation we came out of it eventually and a different outlook on life. There's growth. I'm never the same person after I come out, thank God. These are big boulders thrown at us in this lifetime, these mental illnesses. Do you understand how smart, strong, blessed, responsible you are to deal with this illness? Girl, you should feel lucky ! you're a solider!

haha, I know you read "lucky" & probably were thrown of but seriously.... you HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. you said you're a happy go lucky person so keep that up! as BEST you can.
If you can't be perfect, WHATEVER! NOBODY IS PERFECT! you are you. that is good enough.

you're gonna come out & when you do, look back on whatever it is that you have learned and let that be your story.
But whatever you do, don't beat yourself up.... there's too much growing to do and you don't deserve that.

 
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Old 04-17-2013, 08:38 PM   #5
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

I find that I am angry about 95% of the time. I am angry that this happened to me, I am angry that most days I feel like it controls me and I am angry about that 'forever' feeling. I found it so interesting that you made a point to say you hate when people ask you how you are doing (that was actually the subject of the blog post I just made). When it comes to the depression part - I feel like people start to treat me like I'm made of glass. And then that makes me angry. It's a never-ending cycle. If I have one more therapist or shrink remind me that this disorder is just one tiny piece of me I think I might scream. But then I can sometimes remember that it is just one piece of me. It's not who I am - it's something I have (no matter how many days of the week that starts to feel like a lie). I was 'professionally' diagnosed almost 10 years ago and I feel like I'm grieving over and over again. Every time my moods cycle I feel like there is a death somewhere in me. And every day I have to grieve for that life I always thought I would have. Because that's gone. For me, most days my disorder comes first. It's the thing defining whether or not I get out of bed or off the couch and out into the real world. I think it is most important to remember that it's okay to be angry. I'm sure there is a line in terms of how angry you should be before you take a step back - but no one gets to tell you or define how you feel. I think I just rambled and I apologize. But I hope any of that helps!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CM0608 View Post
Hello everyone. Do you ever get angry at having this disease and if so, what things/thoughts have helped you cope?

I have been extremely, consistently depressed for the past 4 or so weeks. I have a therapist to talk to and I have an upcoming pdoc appointment for a change in medication, but that is about 4 weeks ahead. I've been following my therapists advice as much as possible considering I haven't felt up to doing much and my thoughts are slowed, and concentration is out of the window!

Today I woke up depressed as usual, but somehow forced myself to at least do something (because even though I felt like sleeping I knew logically I shouldn't have been sleep deprived). I had a goal of being efficient today and it has worked for the most part. This morning, about an hour or so after forcing myself to get out of bed, I started feeling very angry at bipolar depression. I don't know who I'm angry at exactly but I am. I started thinking of all the reasons why I resent this depression, what it's turned me into, what I'm missing out on, how I'm affecting others. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can catch my drift. It makes me sad and angry all at the same time!! I try not to turn my anger inwards, but I don't always succeed, and sometimes I'm even angry with myself for not overcoming it. I'm angry at myself for things I don't fully have control over. I'm angry at my support system/s for not entirely understanding what it's like and pestering me and giving me lame advice like "Why don't you just try to be happy?" I'm resentful of them and a bit jealous of them that they only have to deal with "life" versus dealing with life AND depression. I know life is hard for everyone, but life with depression is just...even worse than hard. Then I get angry at myself all over again because I know they are just trying to be supportive and they are trying their best. I get angry at the question "How are you doing?" -because I'm conflicted between being honest and telling them I feel awful and trying to say something positive or say something that's a downright lie.
The rest of today I've been trying to wipe away this negative angry mood over and over but it persists. When I'm not depressed so bad I'm an optimistic person who constantly tries to look on the bright side, so this really blows. I also like to keep a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude about me but that is becoming very draining and I just may have to rethink or reduce that until my pdoc appointment comes around. It is exhausting trying to act a way that you're really not at the moment! I need to find a happy medium. Well I guess I'll leave it at that because I'm going on and on.

 
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Old 04-18-2013, 02:03 PM   #6
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

I can completely relate! We have every right to be angry at our disease. It sucks and has changed us and our families forever. I also get so tired of putting the mask on when I have to be with people but feel terrible. I've lost several friends and family members who I really thought loved and cared about me. But I've decided that's a good thing. The tiny group of family and friends I still have by my side, I know love me for me, sickness and all. I'm very grateful, and I'm just as supportive of them when I can be. One thing I learned the hard way; I don't rely too heavily on any one person. When I need help or support, I try to rotate who I seek for support so
I don't burn anyone out or take advantage of them. For example, my husband just can't deal with my illness after all these years. But he has the pressure of supporting our family on a not-so-great salary and no health benefits. So, when I'm in trouble, I keep my own little "911 list" of people to
call. Still and all, I think it's very hard, if not possible to being angry at our diseases at least some of the time. I didn't ask forthis and it destroyed the life I had. I have no choice but to take it day by day.

 
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:48 PM   #7
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

Hey,

I was really angry with my depression for years, and actually I still am when I have a bad week. I was diagnosed with biopolar when I was 15 or so (I'm 21 now). It was incredibly hard for me when I was 14-15 because I didn't know what was going on, and even once I did, it took me a while to get a good dose of the right medication.

I was frustrated that I had to practice so much self care. I rebelled against it, I'd lose sleep, skip meals, get stressed, because I was determined that if everyone else could do it and live normally, I should be able to as well. Obviously this went terribly for some years until I finally came to terms with it. You just have to accept that it's going to make a lot of things more difficult, and you have to be gentle with yourself. If you feel a mood swing come on, don't fight it - let it happen, and try to ride it out as best as you can. Keep a regular schedule... that way even if your moods are freaky, it'll give your life much more normalcy.

Be patient with yourself! And find friends who can be understanding (I don't have as many close friends as most people do, but the ones I have are very aware of what my mood swings are like and how I want to be treated when I do swing). It's also strained relationships, but it just means you have to be pickier!

Bipolar is not something you can "overcome", so please don't be angry with yourself. Be angry with the cosmos if you must, but in the end it gives you character. It sounds dumb, but that's all I can tell myself. It's made life really hard, and I go through weeks and months where it gets pretty unbearable. But I think the best way to keep from getting angry, is just to be gentle with yourself. And realize that you're doing everything you can.

That's the best advice I can give. I'm only in my 20s... I'm not exactly enlightened.

 
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Old 05-01-2013, 05:57 AM   #8
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

Lol! That statement does get old, lol but I've learned to take it in stride. As for my anger, I'm using it to motivate me now. Sometimes it helps.

 
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Old 05-01-2013, 06:09 AM   #9
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Re: I'm so angry at my depression!

Very good advice kathaudrey! Thank you! I also get frustrated about the amount of self care that is required, but am learning to appreciate what is healthy for me vs. dreading it.

 
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