Join Date: Jun 2013
Slightly confused and lost
First thing I want to get out there, is that I know absolutely nothing about mental disorders. I guess the same goes for the bulk of my country, where almost everyone I talked to seems to believe depression is self-induced (I'm not too entirely sure of this, even till now), and how mental illness is only for extreme cases where there's hallucinations and inability to fully function. I guess that somewhat just bothers me, cause I feel there's something wrong. Like, no one should be feeling the way I do, without any justifiable explanation. Right? Everyone telling me it's all in my head and to suck it up, does not help at all.
I'm not too sure where to post this, since I am not entirely sure what is "wrong" with me, if there is anything. It is somewhat complex to explain it. For me, I don't know much about bipolar. I have read and listened to some videos, and I can totally relate to the feelings of being high, feeling you can do everything and anything. Then dropping down to just feelings of ****. For me, it's been like that for more than a month now. But the thing is, I don't think what I feel is that extreme. I feel like my ups aren't that up, and my down's aren't all that bad. But I guess for me, what somewhat scares me is that I cannot control my moods at all. When I'm down, it's like a done deal. I'm down and I'm staying there. Vice versa. Everyone else tells me, oh it's normal. It's nothing, but it just strikes me as something weird. Never had any of this before this year, well, not this much.
One thing for me though, is that I'm currently enlisted into my country's police service under the national service scheme. Undergoing training now, and it is horrid. Almost everything in training is horrible, and I keep going from feeling like "I can't possible carry on and finish this horrible 18 week program (currently in week 7), there's just no way" to "I am going to show these douchebags that pick on us, that I can finish this. Just you watch". I wish I could control those feelings, and channel them to be positive. I hope I don't come off whiny, but man, when I feel down it just drains the life out of me. I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there, but I can't cause I'm stuck in camp, under the control of the powers that be. Even when I get to leave camp for the weekends, there is this feeling of dread of how I can never feel normal. That I will just sink back into that feeling of utter helplessness. But when I feel up, it just feels like the best I have felt in forever. Everything seems clearer (literally) and I keep telling myself, the **** in training will make me better and I can power through the remaining 12 weeks (holy crap...).
Sorry for being a tad long winded, but for me I honestly don't know what is wrong. I have seen a psychiatrist, and he only briefly said it's mild depression and anxiety, but I still feel his diagnosis isn't accurate. I am in no way, saying I am a doctor of sorts, but I'm highly skeptical. It doesn't explain why I cannot control feeling that low, or why I feel so high sometimes. Is it natural? I don't know, it doesn't feel natural to me.
It kind of sucks, since everyone around just tells me it's all in my head, to suck it up. And I don't know how to get a proper diagnosis. I honestly feel like there's some issues with me, and there just isn't a proper channel provided for me to settle it. Since I'm in training, I feel the doctors think I'm faking it, but I ain't! Honestly, who on earth would subject themselves to alternating feelings of ****, then euphoria, and make themselves feel helpless on purpose?
(Apologizing in advance if it doesn't belong in here)