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jji1984 · 11-18-2007, 11:50 AM

My girlfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years, and everything is great between us, except our sex life.Our sex life was great as well up until several months ago.We had it every weekend and probly would have had it more if we had a chance due to living situations.She always would say things to me hinting that she wanted to and if i made a comment like" i want to make love to you" she would say " i want you to" or "i want to make love to you too".We would fool around alot, not actually have sex but just touching and things like that.

Well not anymore, she never makes any comments and we never play around and i have practicaly begged to make love to her everytime we have for the last few months.Which usally ends up being about 2 times a month,if that.Even then she somtimes gets upset and makes me feel bad for wanting to.

She started taking Birth Control in Nov. of last year.And I kinda Pushed her to just because i thought we would both feel better and be more confrontable about sex, knowing that we had that extra protection.We always used condoms and still always do.So that wasnt an issue.Anyway our sex life still stayed great until around March or so i think.She just stopped being so sexual, she slowly stopped making the comments and we hardly ever played around anymore.Everytime i would bring up sex she would be like" we will see what happens" something like that.Before when i would bring it up she would be like "i cant wait" and she seemed to be excited about it.

I should also mention that i just moved in with her, around 5 or 6 months ago.And we are living with her mom at the moment, just so we can go to school without worrying about bills and such.She also has 2 sisters both 15.I know that has been part of the problem as well.Because there is always someone home.And even though we have our own room with a lock on the door, she still says she dont want to when someone is here.That i totally understand.But she told me that we would still have our alone time at night when everyone is in bed as well.And that never happens either, because then she is to tired or has to get up early, or she still says that ppl are here and doesnt want to.

I think the real problem is that she doesnt have hardly any or no sex drive anymore due to the damn Bc pills.Because we have had sex more than a few times when ppl are here and are asleep and we fooled around during the middle of the day while everyone was down stairs a few times, back when she seemed to have a sex drive.Now it just seems like she keeps using all those reasons as her excusses for not wanting to.

I dont know what to do, ive tried talking to her about why she never shows any interest in sex anymore but again she brings up those reasons and then says that the pill may be a little bit of it,but then she goes back to us living with her mom and trys to push it all on that.The thing is even if it really was because we are with her mom.Wouldnt she still be horney ever?,wouldnt she still show interest in sex?.Her mom even knows we have sex and is completly fine with it, she has even asked us what things we do in bed and stuff, it is embarassing to say the least, but atleast she is cool with it.

I want her to stop BC but i dont know how to even talk to her about it, because i pushed her to take them to begin with.That and the fact that she seems so sure that the reason she never wants to is because of us living with her mom.I love her more than anything, but im am going totally insane with this.I try to keep my cool when i get turned down for sex, but when she once again says that its because her sisters are home or her mom is home,(even though they are in bed) i just end up getting so frustrated with her, that i dont talk to her for awhile after she turns me down.Then she gets angry with me for not talking to her, so most of the time i blame my frustration on somthing else.Becuase i know if i tell her what was really bothering me she would get mad and say that sex is all i think about.It isnt all i think about i just want her to be interested in it again.Is that to much to ask?.

I have been trying to make love to her for the last few days and everytime i got 1 of those excusses.Last night I tried again and again she was sleepy and her sisters were here, but she said she promised we would 1 day soon.Thats what she has said the last few days ive brought it up.I cant stand this.Please any advice would be great, i know its the BC pills but i dont know what to do about it.This is causing a very big stress in our otherwise great relationship.I just dont know how to fix it.

Sorry for such a long rant,i needed to vent a little i guess,lol

jji1984 · 11-19-2007, 04:12 PM

Well last night again i asked her if we could have sex, and the 1st thing she said was "is that all you want me for?".That really makes me upset that she would say that, i love her so much and i know she cant possibly think that all i want her for is sex.I dont understand why she just doesnt want sex anymore like she used to.I mean now i cant even bring it up with out her saying somthing like that.When i feel i shouldnt even have to ask her for it all the time, she should atleast every now and then want it 2.But no, i know if i never brought it up we would never have it at all.

I know its the BC pills it has to be, from what ive read about it and the timming that she started losing interest in sex, it just makes sense that the pills are the reason for it.I just dont know how to go about trying to get her to stop them.I feel better with her on BC but i can not take not ever seeing her in the mood anymore or being treated like i shouldnt even want sex, just because the pill is destroying her drive.I love her and im very atracted to her and its so hard to go a day even with out having those sexual feelings for her.Im very worried that im gonna loose her over this, if i keep bringing it up, but at the same time i cant just make my feelings go away.Please someone tell me your opinion what would you do?

just1dude · 11-19-2007, 07:37 PM

I'm not a doctor, but I believe I have enough common sense to give you some advice. See if it works for you..

Just ask her directly: "Do you think it's normal that we don't have sex?" and depending on what she says, "Obviously you have a problem. Lets try to fix it. I think the reason of this problem is the pills, so stop taking them."

- If birth control pills took away her sex drive, then she should stop taking them. Otherwise it defeats the purpose of taking them in the first place.

- Keeping quiet in a relationship is a BIG mistake. Even if it's in fear of hurting your partner. Tell her exactly your thoughts. If she can't accept it, then she can't accept YOU.

- You're young, right? Young couples lose interest in each other more often than older couples. And it doesn't always happen mutually.

Just some things to consider.

I kept quiet about my gf's horrible smell down there. It took me a lot of effort to get it up because of it. But I didn't say anything, afraid to her her feelings. Then it got stupid. She started saying that it was ME who had a problem and that >I< should go to see a doctor (because I couldn't get it up). Then I felt like "whatever" and told her how I felt. It turned out she thought it was a normal smell for women who began their sex life. You see, your gf also could think it's normal. Tell her that it isn't. And don't keep quiet about something, even if you're wrong. You'll end up hurting yourself, like you're doing right now.
Good luck.

jji1984 · 11-19-2007, 08:54 PM

thanx, i am just having a very hard time trying to get the nerve to bring it up to her.Back when she called to make her appionment for her exam, i tried to bring it up, but i kinda let my nerves get me,so instead of trying to talk to her, i kinda just said "maybe you shouldnt call, maybe you can just quit taking the pills".She replied with "i have to take them" in a kinda what are you saying that for voice.So i just backed down and said ok and left it at that.Well after that she wouldnt talk much and seemed to be in a bad mood, so i asked her what was wrong.She said that she just couldnt make me happy, cuz i wanted her to take the pills and now i was wanting her to stop.We kinda talked about the lack of sex but i never really got my thoughts out, because i froze up and didnt want to risk making her upset.

Now i am afraid that if i mention it again she will get upset and say that its all i care about and that she just doesnt make me happy or somthing like that.I dont think she really even realises that the pill is the cuz of this, i think she blames her lack of a drive all on other things except the 1 thing that is realy affecting it.But how can i make her see that it is the pill?.

just1dude · 11-20-2007, 04:58 AM

Quote:

maybe you shouldnt call, maybe you can just quit taking the pills".She replied with "i have to take them"

You take the pills in order to remove any precautions and second thoughts from randomly having amazing wild sex. If pills take away the drive for sex, then taking them defeats their purpose. It's not for sure that the pills are causing this, but there is no reason not to try discontinuing their use. To assure her, tell her that you'll wear condoms every time and it's not a problem for you at all.

And believe me - don't hold back. It will come out later 10 times stronger.

You said that she called to make an appointment. Did she ever go to the doctor?

jji1984 · 11-20-2007, 08:06 AM

Yeah she did still go to her exam, she had to in order to get more pills.

What do you mean by that if i dont hold back it will come out stronger?.Are you saying that if i dont hold my feelings back and instead tell her how i really feel, that it will make our relationship stronger?.I would really like to think that would be the case, but i just dont know if i can convince her that the pill is probly the reason for her lack of a sex drive anymore.I know she likes it due to it making her periods shorter and knowing when it will happen to the day.As far as the protection part of it, i couldnt really say.We have never had unprotected sex, well atleast not all the way.We had a few times where she wanted to see what it felt like without a condom for a min or so.But she would always tell me to put 1 on when i started showing signs of ejaculating.So we have always used condoms, that has never been a problem, sure i would love to not use them.But i would rather her have her drive back and us actually have sex more than a couple of times a month and without me having to annoy the crap out of her to get it then.

Im also worried that when we start school in Jan. that we will pretty much never have sex.Due to us working and going to school, im afraid that she will always play the "im tired" card on me, or the "i have to get up early" card, and then she will have 1 more thing to blame her lack of disire on.The thing is, she already does that to me now and all we both have going on at the moment is our jobs.It isnt that i dont expect her to be tired and things, its just i dont always believe that is the reason.Due to the fact that she can tell me she is tired when i ask if she feels like making love, but then she has no problem staying up watching tv or going and talking to her mom for an hour, after just telling me that.

I know i sound like im just sex addict or somthing, i just keep thinking of how she used to be about sex, and then i think of how she is now about it, and it just makes me frustrated.How would you go about talking to your girl about stopping the pill, if you felt like you would be risking making her upset or her thinking that sex is all you care about?

RG766 · 11-20-2007, 08:19 AM

I was on the BC pills some years back and it completley put me off sex. I was nauseous at the thought and when my then b/f came near me i was repulsed. Then i came off the pills at xmas, what a difference we went to a party and suddenly all though's old feeling came back and i relised i really felt horny something that i thought was dead and buried. So tell your lady to ditch the pills asap find some other way for BC the Cap or Condoms anything but pills, i really hope that helps beleive me i was relieved my relationship was going down the toilet. Good luck x

just1dude · 11-20-2007, 08:38 AM

See? The woman has spoken.

And I meant that you SHOULD tell her how you feel - don't hold back. Because otherwise, it will always bother you and you will end up having a huge argument over it. Better a small argument now than a big argument later, plus all this time's silent suffering. So don't hold back and be honest. At least this is what saved my relationship.

Sex is a big part of any relationship. If sex is not right, then naturally it will upset you. If it upsets you - fix it. It's that simple.

How would I go about telling her? It's your choice, but I would do it slowly. Be prepared to get yelled at. It has to be done one way or the other though. Maybe you could even talk with her mother and see what she says. Her mother seems like she'd be cool with it.

jji1984 · 11-20-2007, 11:19 AM

Thanx again, i know im gonna have to tell her my thoughts on it.I plan on talking to her tomorrow night about it, beleive it or not she has promised me that we will have sex tomorrow night, since she didnt want to the night before last.I thought this would be a good time to bring it up, since i know that she is only doing it because i kept on about it, and honestly im still looking for her to have a reason to get out of it again.Im trying to be as cool as i can with this but im getting really tired of the reasons she gives me for not wanting to, as they just dont add up compared to how things used to be.

Anyway if this talk with her goes well enough, i thought maybe i could try to get her to look at some sites about BC affecting the sex drive, to hopefully help make her think more about stopping them.

Do you guys know any good sites that would help give her some info on this?.I know she has been wanting to loose 5 or 10 pounds and i thought that the BC could be a reason for her not being able to loose it, so that might be somthing she will consider as well.Also i have been wondering if the pill affects your energy or not, that may be somthing for her to consider.

It would be great if i could get some more opinions from girls that have experience with this same thing.I think if she read enough about other girls getting their drive back after stopping BC, that might make her see that im not just wanting sex all the time, but rather she just doesnt have a drive for it anymore.

God i love her more than life itself and i would do anything for her, i am just so deprate for that intimacy that we had before, to be back.I would give anything to hear her say " i want to make love to you ".Or atleast give me a positive response when i said it to her.All i ever get now is " i know you do " or i get no response and she acts like i offended her or somthing.

I hope i can get this off my chest and that she will stop the BC, i just need to figure out how to convince her to.

I still would like anyone elses opinion on this 2, i know this kinda topic probly stays on these boards all the time, but i need all the help i can get.

MusicElle · 11-20-2007, 11:54 AM

I think you right on track with thinking it's the birth control. It did kind of the same thing to me, I was always in a bad mood, didn't want sex, etc. One thing she can try is to take a vitamin B complex the pill depletes vitamin B and this causes mood problems. Takin vitamin B helped me alot, also I've noticed also that when I recently switched to a pill with less estrogen my sex drive got better. Birthcontrol pills are all formulated differently, sometimes its hard(sometimes impossible) to get a good fit. Also she is probably frustrated as well so even with the best intentions you might be putting alot of pressure on her by asking for sex all the time. Maybe insted of saying "I want to make love" just say "I love you" also you could try surprising her with something romantic maybe a special dinner, or a nice getaway maybe just get a hotel room for one night so that she dosn't have to worry about her family being around or even just have fun in the car. I know that when my husband and I were living at my parents the best way to get away was a car ride to somewhere desserted and private.

kelly75 · 11-20-2007, 01:05 PM

hi,,you remind me of my husband!!!!are you him???ha ha we are in the same situation i'm 32 he is 31 been together 16yrs,,but the past yr I have completely gone off sex,,he gets turned down every single night poor thing,,i say the same too tired, tough day,i know he's upset when i turn him down but i just cant seem to put on a show for him,,i'm very self conscious in bed ,he thinks i look fantastic i dont agree,,i'm not happy with ME,,it has nothing to do with him, at all,,i do hope i come out of this as i'm afraid he might be tempted to wonder,,i'm not on any bc so i cant speak for your gf but ye need to sit down some night get everyone out and have a chat ask her if everything is ok,,she might open up to you,,maybe i should take my own advice,,god this looks like a novel,,sorry,,thanks anyways if you read it,,

kittywitty · 11-20-2007, 02:33 PM

jji1984 -

If she's so insistent on taking the pills, why not talk to her about a pill change instead of going off them completely? While it's true that the lack of sex drive side effect happens to a lot of women on the pill, not all pills will affect all women the same. I was once on a pill called Desogen that completely slaughtered my sex drive. Yet another pill that I went on called Ovcon-35, not only didn't lower my sex drive, but actually increased it. I'm not saying switching pills will work for her, but it's worth a try, IMO, if she really wants to continue on the pill. BTW, I do agree with MusicElle about the B complex. If she's depressed or moody, she's definitely not going to want anything to do with sex.

jji1984 · 11-20-2007, 02:40 PM

Nice to get some replies.Ok well ill start with the vitamin thing, i have been trying to keep her taking a muti-viatimin, that has iron in it.They told her she should be taking them at her exam both times she went.The problem is that she always ends up taking them every other day or so, rather than taking them daily.So that doesnt help much im sure.As far as mood swings go, she hasnt ever been moody, atleast not that i can recall.So im not worried about that.

Ive thought of the hotel thing before, but ive never brought it up to her.Besides when she doesnt seem to be interested in sex, i dont know how great a hotel room alone would sound to her.We used to make love in the car, while at the drive-in, back before she started the pill.It was even her idea to do that 1.She has even brought up parking somewhere where noone would see us, so we could make love.But that was back before she started the pill, she never brings things like that up anymore.If i said somthing like that right now its untelling what kind of response i would get, it wouldnt be " hey, lets go" , im sure of that.

I tell her i love her all the time, the thing i was talking about wanting to hear her say " i want to make love to you ", i was reffering to how it was before.I used to say that to her, but i didnt say it all the time.But when i did she would always say " i want you to " or " i cant wait till you can ", just somthing positive about it ya know?.It isnt like i just constantly go around telling her that, iknow that would be pushing it even if she wasnt on BC.

Anyway im still dreading this talk with her, i dont know if ill have any success or not.

Thanks, please keep the replies coming, any input is always great, maybe i could get her to read this post if there is anyone else who has delt with this before.

jji1984 · 11-20-2007, 02:45 PM

kittiywitty-

Sorry yourr reply just came up, so i missed it in my last post.

Anyway im afraid to try switching the pill to another kind, becuase she hasnt ever had any side effects from this 1, other than the sex drive thing anyway.So im just afraid that will end up being a mistake, it may make things worse.I guess its always somthing to consider, i just dont know if it would do anything for the better.

kittywitty · 11-20-2007, 03:09 PM

Yeah, that's a tough one. That was the only side effect I had while on Desogen, but it wasn't one that I was willing to tolerate nor was my husband, or hope that it would 'just go away with time', as many doctors like to tell their patients. If she does end up with any undesirable side effects with the new pill, though, she could just go off the pill entirely and you guys can do the condom thing. That's what my husband and I do along with the FAM (fertility awareness method) which is basically charting when she's fertile and not having sex on those days. It's a little tedious, but for me, it sure beats the side effects from the pills. I'm very sensitive to all medications, not just bcps.

blondie7224 · 11-20-2007, 06:47 PM

I'm in the same situation as your girlfriend. I was on Estrostep for 2 years and my sex drive was non existent. The last few months I realized it was the BC so I decided to switch. You won't know if something else works unless you try it. I've been on the new BC for less than a month so I can't say it has made a difference or not yet but as far as mood swings I think it has. So consider switching BC it may help. The only problem I had with my BC was the sex drive problem also.

kittywitty · 11-20-2007, 09:30 PM

See now, here's a perfect of example of what I was saying about women responding differently to different pills. I, myself, never had a problem with my sex drive on Estrostep. I was on it for two years as well.

jji1984 · 11-22-2007, 09:39 AM

Well , just a update on the situation.We again didnt have sex last night, i let it slide due to the fact that we were busy fixing food for thanksgiving.It still bothered me cuase i knew it would go like that, but she again promised we would tonight or tomorrow.She said she wants to too but she was just tired and that i needed to get in bed cuz i had to be at work at 7am today.So i didnt talk to her about stopping the pills yet either.I just so afraid it will just make her mad, or she will say she wants to stay on them now to help keep from getting preg., and if she says that, what can i really say after that?.If i keep on then i look like i dont care about risking her getting preg..But i really want her to stop them, i know its messing with her drive.I dont know im going crazy with this!

just1dude · 11-22-2007, 06:59 PM

Anyway, it's getting better right? She said she wanted to (although she might just say it to make you happy). So you might still have to ask her to get off the pills. As far as pregnancy, are you using the condoms properly? If you've got it on, there is no possibility of her getting pregnant.
Use a bit thicker condoms if you're afraid of it breaking.

jji1984 · 11-23-2007, 03:09 PM

Well it still didnt happen!.She once again used the " everybody is here excuse ", so i satrted asking her why it mattered cuz we have done before when ppl are here, that led to her saying she is just more contfrotable when noone is here.Anyway i couldnt take it anymore so i kept asking her why she kept having all these reasons not to do it.She ended up getting mad and saying that the pill makes her not want to and that i wanted her on it so thats what i get.So i said she should stop it then, she got mad and said no.

She kept saying that she wasnt gonna stop them after all she had to go through to get them, and that she wasnt gonna stop now.I kept trying to talk to her and she said that the thought of having sex never crosses her mind anymore.I tried to tell her that if she would stop that those feelings would come back,but all she kept saying was that she wasnt gonna stop, and that i pushed her to take them and that she isnt stopping now.

It sounds like she is just staying on them to spite me or somthing, for pushing her to take them.She also said that she liked it making her peroid better, and that she wasnt gonna get preg., even though i said we would always use condoms.

Anyway last night was not good and we went to bed, she was mad at me and wouldnt talk to me.So i got up early and wrote her a note saying i was sorry, and that i just wished she would consider stopping the pills.I told her that we could look on the net and get some info about it, if she wanted to.Well , she calls me on the way to work and says she read my note and that the anwser was still no, and for me to stop with it.We ended up getting into a fight about it and she said that we arent gonna have sex anymore and that she wished she had never done it to begin with.

So now im really hurting, ive felt like crying all day and im so frustrated.I talked to her on my lunch break and she was in a better mood and she said she was sorry for being mean, but thats all she said about it.Now i dont know what to do, i can not go on with her never wanting to have that intimate time together.As long as she is on the pill im gonna stay frustrated and angry with her, for not showing any desire to be intimate and have a normal sex life.She is always gonna turn it around and say that all i care about is sex.I do like sex but i also like sex because its that feeling of being with her and loving her that i like about it.If that makes any sense.She keeps thinking that i just want sex and that i dont care about anything else.

Its driving me insane for her to be like this about it.Shes the total opposite of how she was before the pill.I want to talk to her about it more but i know she will get mad for sure if i bring it up again.How do i get her to atleast think about stopping the pills?.I mean its like she is hell bent on taking them just because i pushed her to start them, and now i want her off them.I mean she wouldnt even give it a second thought she just flat out kept saying no.I feel that isnt really fair to me, but what can i say now?.I love this girl to death and we are planning on getting married when we get out of school.But i dont know how to make this better.I cant make my feelings go away, and she doesnt have any feelings about sex anymore, thanks to the pill.Should i keep trying to talk to her?. I know noone on here can tell me what to do, but i need some help.Im very upset and sad that it went horrible, even though i knew it would.But i have to get her off the pill some way, or our relationship is gonna fall apart over this, and i dont want that.I just want her back like she used to be, is that so much to ask?

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