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I've been in this "funk" if you will,for over 7 years now.

I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.

There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.

For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.

Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.

Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
  1. Old Comment

    Seven shades of misery part VII(the Final shade)

    Hi. Thank you very much for sharing these very honest and open-minded thoughts, not at all done in a selfish "me. Me. Me." way at all. The way it came across to me, was in a very unselfish, giving, and hopefully to perhaps spare someone else from CHOOSING to go on the same path, therefore eliminate the same outcome, when possible. Thank you, because it really did help me out right now. Tonight. I feel as if my soul was touched. Not in some deeply moving inspirational manner, but, exactly how is not really important. As I'm just about to go to sleep now, I feel less stressed out. More freedom. Less weight on my shoulders. I feel a lot lighter. I pray that one day I'll be able to do this exact same thing to at least one other person. And, with that thought in mind, I go to sleep with "helping someone else besides myself" in mind. To be honest, I never really ever knew what a "blog" was. This time I decided to "click" on it. And my answer was really "just a click away." Lol. Thank you and goodnight.
    permalink
    Posted 05-17-2013 at 11:49 PM by
  2. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    I Should've Seen It Coming

    Chrisy63 thank you and welcome.

    I am humbled by your words and need to try and take more stock in certain accomplishments.
    All these years,I blocked out the compliments of others,awaiting for my father's sincere compliments.

    No longer will I allow that to be the case;i'm learning.

    Sincere Respect
    Phoenix
    permalink
    Posted 04-06-2013 at 04:27 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  3. Old Comment

    I Should've Seen It Coming

    Sometimes anger can be a great motivator. You cannot be responsible for what others say or who they are. You have the right to feel hurt or angry and give yourself permission to feel what you do. We are all human, not perfect, we were not handed instruction booklets on how to live this life. Toot your own horn when the picks you make, come out winners, you deserve the credit. Living with chronic pain sucks, but it does not define you. I can already see you are intelligent enough to understand the stock market. Hop on that, and make your dreams come true. If you have a bad day, tomorrow could be so much better. Good luck, chin up, make your choices count.
    permalink
    Posted 04-05-2013 at 06:30 PM by Chrisy63 Chrisy63 is offline
  4. Old Comment

    I'm Tired

    I swear I've been where you are.
    Phoenix, you can pull yourself up.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:49 PM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
    Updated 04-09-2013 at 10:04 AM by Phoenix
  5. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    I'm Tired

    Hello Fighter22 and Happy Easter...

    You are an inspiration and your post actually brought a smile to my face.
    Though I may not be ready for a dog yet,I was considering a decent sized fish tank.
    My daughter has goldfish and I seem to be the only one taking care of them.
    Being responsible for my own fish may be just what the doctor ordered(so to speak).

    I still won't rule out a dog though....the more the merrier.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 04:11 PM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  6. Old Comment

    I'm Tired

    Hi Phonix. You're name aloe tells me you can rise above the pond, razor sharp toothed fish & the abyss you find yourself in. Four weeks ago I took a major step. I rescued a small Maltese dog. He's approx 1 1/2 yr old adorable, adoring little ball of fur. I'd been sleeping my life away to escape the pain I'm in s especially from a dead mandible as a result of those same drugs I took. A DOG...spelled backwards is...he's changed me from lying in bed everyday, all day, isolating from the world because I've been so focused on myself that I made no room for joy or life. Is it possible for you to get a dog? The Americans With Disabilities Act makes it possible, with a letter from one or more of your doctors stating a condition you have for which a companion dog will help, and voila, whether you live in a place that doesn't allow animals or not, you're covered! I got five letters. Now I'm responsible for something other than my broken self. Therefore, I'm not laying around miserable! I've learned his schedule, I walk, talk to and sleep with this little warm body next to me and I feel so much better. Still on pain meds. But a whole new world has opened up for me. Perhaps that company could help you?!
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 11:20 AM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    Seven shades of miserable part III

    Pamela,

    Don't I know it;nothing lasts forever.
    All I can do is try;right?

    (Apologies for the late response;was unaware of a response feature.)
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 08:06 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
    Updated 03-31-2013 at 03:59 PM by Phoenix
  8. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    There's Always More

    Thank you Pamela.

    I'm trying to take the good with the bad because life in general is based upon circumstances.
    All we can try to do is keep our head up amongst all the turmoil.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 08:04 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    My Father

    Pamela,

    All I can do is try.
    Life is short;too short to hold galaxy-like animosity towards others.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 08:00 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  10. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    I'm Tired

    Hello Fighter22 and welcome.

    Never,never try to let anyone convince you that you're worthless.
    The only way you can be "worth less" is if you devalue your opinion of yourself.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:58 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar

    A Revelation(of sorts)

    Hello BB07 and welcome to the blog.

    Thanks a lot;seriously.
    There are times where a person has to take a stand for what they believe in.
    I suppose it's my time up at bat.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:53 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
    Updated 03-31-2013 at 08:08 AM by Phoenix
  12. Old Comment
    BB07's Avatar

    A Revelation(of sorts)

    hello phoenix-
    I wish you well
    permalink
    Posted 03-28-2013 at 01:04 AM by BB07 BB07 is offline
    Updated 03-30-2013 at 05:03 AM by Administrator
  13. Old Comment
    Arianna2's Avatar

    Seven shades of miserable part III

    One thing I can say Phoenix.. where you are now won't last too much longer. The harshest part is the first few weeks.

    You are really doing well. When I got to the part you were at, I was at the doc asking for something to take to stop the madness. You are so strong, my friend.

    And if need be, you have to seek outside help??? Well, then it is what it is, you will persevere.
    permalink
    Posted 12-12-2012 at 12:27 PM by Arianna2 Arianna2 is offline
  14. Old Comment
    Arianna2's Avatar

    My Father

    What a perfect "Thanksgiving" blog.
    permalink
    Posted 11-19-2012 at 07:26 PM by Arianna2 Arianna2 is offline
  15. Old Comment

    I'm Tired

    I can so relate To you Phoenix...especially about family. Long time breast cancer survivor with mets to bones and 84 iv drips of bisphosphonates that have caused severe bone fractures (I'd never been stung by a bee prior!). Was drug dependent on pain meds to manage pain yet soooo very much judgement especially from family with zero empathy incl daughter that Has cast me out as worthless. More bones break. Not on pain meds, feel tired, hurt and miserably misunderstood. Don't want to fall into the abyss of drug oblivion although pain is hell to live with. I'm looking for answers. Need to stop, slow down or do something logical to prevent more fractures (5 in 6 years), but don't have an alternative to an alternative other than allopathic. Seeing a Naturopath, trying homeopathy. Been told to try Forteo -- don't like what I've learned about it so far. So I'm catagorized as a useless human being taking up space and shunned -- dont get me wrong, I'm not bitter and I do have friends...but ,hey, even I'm getting tired of me. Thought you would relate to this
    permalink
    Posted 09-06-2012 at 06:56 AM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
    Updated 09-06-2012 at 06:59 AM by Fighter22 (Clean up typos)
  16. Old Comment
    Arianna2's Avatar

    There's Always More

    You are such a strong person Phoenix. You do have your fair share of crap to deal with and yet you have always sent well wishes my way in the midst of it all. You have been and will remain in my thoughts.
    permalink
    Posted 08-08-2012 at 03:45 PM by Arianna2 Arianna2 is offline

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