Fighting this hell called Anxiety!

Welp...today is the day. I'm going to get off my sad pathetic butt, and move, whether I think im deathly ill or not...whether I think I'm going to pass out, fall, make a fool out of myself or whatever. I canceled the Drs. Appt I begged for last Thursday. Well...I just couldnt bare to drive there, let alone look at the car. I should have found a ride. What made me think I could go? Uggg...I feel bad. Oh well. Theres nothing she can really do for me right now anyway, because deep down i know its all in my head. I've seen this coming for months....slowly but surely. The shakes, not wanting to go in public....so on and so forth SO i know it's up to me to get through this or at least try! I already have Xanax, and it doesnt seem to be doing much for me accept taking my shakes away. So, i managed a shower, and laundry, and now im going to go sit in the car and maybe go for a drive.....the simplest things are so hard. This DAMN lump in my throat is so annoying..go away! hmm... i lost most of my friends the past week also...most know whats happening but ehhh....i stopped responding to them in any way so they stopped. I am now single after a year of fighting for my relationship with my now ex. VERY sad...i love him, but i cant put him through this :'( its just so sad cuz i almost dont care at all right now since im so focused on myself. I'm going to try to communicate with a few people i guess...but i really want to get through the toughest part on my own. oh well...im going to go sit in car now!