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What is normal and what is forgiveness?

Posted 04-16-2013 at 07:55 AM by Chrisy63

How am I suppose to move on without forgiveness? And what exactly am I to do with the wake of emotions and injury caused by this drama? How exactly do you forgive not only betrayal but intent to harm and kill? How do you get past knowing the years you spent were a facade? That someone you believed was always lying about who they were? How do you move forward when you are afraid for your safety? Knowing they have planned for your death, and may still be planning? That any conversation lasts 10 seconds before the screaming and threats start from him? What we have to split is nothing, yet he believes it is all HIS. Negating my contributions to this marriage, and claiming ownership to all, except of course any accountability for damages done on his part. I read about forgiveness and moving on, except that it isn't over and there are too many legal issues to be resolved. According to many books, I am to forgive it all, give up my expectations of monetary settlement, let him go and live a blissful life without him in it. Again, except that he pays marital support and I depend upon that, except that we have to settle on retirement fund, split the household junk, and I have to move. All this while I know he has plans of abandoning the state and his responsibilities to me and the final workings of a foreclosure. Just up and run. I could be looking at how to survive on $700 a month from SSI, instead of my SSD and the marital support I now get at double that amount. Will the court force his hand, will they hear the facts and see his intent to run, will they hear the truth and order his payments or offer jail if he abandons me and all the unfinished business? This is costing me $200 a month in therapy plus the scripts. I don't sleep well, don't eat well, my PTSD is on high alert, panic attacks at night wake me up, and all I want is peace. I am also living tight as my attorney may request another grand any day. I saved 4 months to give her the retainer! Now we have a court date and what he wants is HIS retirement money, not any movement forward with the settlement of property or the normal proceedings, he wants money to leave. I know because his family contacted me in March and told me he took a vacation home and told everyone he was leaving, job interviewing, and specifically not giving that bi**h any more of HIS money. Now he claims broke, yet had the money to hire a high profile attorney, take a vacation and has continued money to drink and drug. And I am suppose to forgive and live better. I can forgive, I have forgiven him before, right now I am threatened of my very survival and find it hard to smile at a memory. I guess the normal response would be to ask me again tomorrow and see how I feel. But what is normal?
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