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Should be different.

Posted 04-03-2013 at 06:49 PM by Emotionally

I think life is so crazy right now. Nothing worked out at all how i would want it to. . I thought by the age of 20 i would be in a high profile job of my own, regularly socialising with my 'many' friends, and living out a fabulous, glam life in London's most thriving, exiting clubs..Bars.. Restaurants. But i can not do any of these things. Why? Because i'm incredibly scared to exit my front door. I get scared, upset, worried and angry at the thought of even having to leave the warming comfort of my house. The thought of eyes on me, people staring at me, and zooming in on my biggest insecurities, judging me, thinking im not thin enough, pretty enough, normal enough. All of these things cripple any ability I have ever owned or possessed to go out. The thought of sitting in a fancy, dimly or well lit, with alcoholic beverages and girlish banter, does not fill me with any joy, rather sweating, despair and a dry throat, soon accompanied by images of guys beckoning over to the table, and giving everybody attention apart from me, because i am just not good enough. I want to be a normal 20 year old. I've already lost so many friends who misunderstood my inability to go out and have fun with them for unreliability and or laziness. I want to enjoy my life, i want to live out my young years in fun, happiness, make amazing memories. But, i'm scared, worried, of everything.. And it's taken full control of my life.
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