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Crazy life I live.

Posted 05-15-2012 at 10:45 PM by KayJayDee

Okay so I'm sure I need to see a psychologist but I've always felt like that would be a complete waste of breath and time. I am now 22 and as the days pass me by I start to feel more alone. Since I was like 16 I always told myself to trust no one but myself. I used to have many friends but I don't forgive people for their wrongs and flaws. I don't let the past go and I seem to detach myself when engaging in conversations with others. I like to be alone but at the same time I can't stand to be alone. I have now eliminated down to 1 friend that has been there for 15 years and sometimes I wonder If that's even true. I'm not sure If I try to give myself reasons to erase people out of my life or if they do it on their own. A lot of times I feel like I can't be myself around people, I don't say much when people are talking and often daydream. I am far from shy but I seem to be very shy. When someone says something I don't like or gives me a look I don't like I am quick to jump down someone's throat and I tend to say very rude/hateful things that I don't mean, sometimes including my friend and fiance. I don't want to be this way anymore, never really did but for some odd reason I prefer to be by myself. I don't do crowds of people, I wouldn't necessarily say I have panic attacks, I just don't open up to people and sometimes can't even make eye contact. I feel like I have been betrayed so many times and befriended so many untrustworthy people that I don't even care to give people the time of day to hear what they have to say. I know it sounds very selfish but that's not how I see it. I've been reading through threads and I don't ever post things about my feelings or anything like that. I am a very sensitive person. I am diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety but I'm thinking it's something way beyond that. I've been researching and I feel that I have Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Everything has to be clean and I don't want anyone to do it for me because it's not done the way that I like it to be. Crazy right? Ughh I just don't know anymore. I don't want to block people out anymore and wish I could let the past be the past and look to the future. I am now 22, a mother of 2 which I adore and love being a mom more than anything in the world! When I was 12 my Dad passed away from Lung cancer and asbestosis, after that things seemed to go downhill. My mom then got with a crack user who abused her physically and mentally, and me mostly mentally. He always gave very rude gestures to me (not sexually) and taught me to do all the wrong thing in life. He was the true definition of a bum-weezle. When my mom hooked up with him it seemed like that's all she cared about anymore. They eventually split up and she got married a couple years later (about a year ago) which I wasn't even invited to her wedding. My kids she doesn't want anything to do with she says her kids are grown up and she doesn't have time for kids. Crazy.. When it comes to doing anything for me she complains repeatedly and refuses. I always told her that she needed to seek help because she has some kind of mental condition but she's always been in denial about anything that comes her way. Day by day I feel I start to be a little more like her and it drives me crazy! I don't want to be that type of person or the type of person I am today. I just want to be me, my own person..
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