http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/ Health related message boards offering discussions of numerous health topics including allergies, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, exercise, attention deficit disorder, diet, and nutrition. en Sun, 26 May 2013 08:57:01 GMT vBulletin 1 http://www.healthboards.com/boards/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/ http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1493-still-being-good-boy-little-more-news-doctor.html Wed, 10 Aug 2011 06:38:30 GMT Hi All, well first things first, the Stats..... 2 weeks, 5 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes.... Still, as they say, taking it one day at a time. I am still on the first level patch, and still using the lozenges as well, when required. But all in... Hi All, well first things first, the Stats.....

2 weeks, 5 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes....

Still, as they say, taking it one day at a time. I am still on the first level patch, and still using the lozenges as well, when required.

But all in all I am doing quite well with the smoking / Ecig cessation. One thing I noticed today on my way into work was a car went by, and someone must have been smoking in there, it passed at about 40 miles per hour, and I could still smell cigarette smoke as it passed... It looks like some of the senses are beginning to work again.

As far as the chest problems are concerned, I still do not know what is going on. I go for blood tests and spirometry next week possibly followed by a CT scan to delve a bit deeper.

I will keep the blog updated with that as I find out more.

The depression/stress is still there, and I am now taking some medicine for that. I have been prescribed amitriptyline in relatively low doses. Apparently this will help take the edge off the pain, and also should help with the stress/depression side as well.... Not sure, I only started last night, and I guess these things take a while to kick in.

Also was prescribed some capsules for my stomach. I have been eating indigestion tablets like sweets, and so hopefully this will also settle down a bit as well. It is looking a l;ittle like everything could be purely related to stress.... but will find out and let you all know. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1493-still-being-good-boy-little-more-news-doctor.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1488-hello-all-apologies-my-absence.html Mon, 08 Aug 2011 15:26:19 GMT Hi There, I do apologise for my absence, but I have been away on a business trip from hell.... It was a case of whatever could go wrong did.. Not good. Anyhow, the stats for the smoking/e-cig cessation are still good, I have been as good as I can... Hi There, I do apologise for my absence, but I have been away on a business trip from hell....

It was a case of whatever could go wrong did.. Not good. Anyhow, the stats for the smoking/e-cig cessation are still good, I have been as good as I can be and did not lift either a cigarette or an e-cig to my lips during the entire week from hell, therefore my stats are as follows:-

17 Days, 18 hours and 12 minutes since I last inhaled any nicotine.

Well, as you will have seen from some of my earlier posts, I have been given the all-clear on the suspected lung cancer which is unbelievable news :wave:. I have a future for the first time in a year, maybe a bit more. I had got as far as planning my funeral before I was driven to the doctor for some pain relief.... The big problem I have had for a while has been depression and it is hard to imagine being given the all clear leading to more depression; but I could not tell my parents, my sister or my son.... I have isolated myself through emotional abuse during my last marriage and also through the need to not have contacts that can lead to pain following the last marriage.

This means that as I really have no friends, no one I could talk to without worrying them to death, I have found out just how isolated I have become. This has lead to a degree of depression. So I need to work my way through this. A friendship I thought was developing seems to have turned the other way.... I can only imagine that I have made some inappropriate comment, or something I have said has been taken differently as to how I thought it would sound.... either way, it looks like that has now been blown out of the water.... And again this is not something I can talk about to family.... My mum is very kind and nice and thinks the best about everyone, to the point that even after seeing the letters from my local health centre regarding the aspie syndrome, she still does not want to think of me as having a 'mental' problem.... so can't talk to her about it, and once again, I am looking at a stressful time that I have to deal with on my own. I am still having problems with my business partner and also some other work related issues, coupled with crippling poverty and so depression is still a big part of daily life as is isolation.

I really wish I could just feel a bit better inside my head.

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and hope to start working out why I feel so physically ill, but I think it is also time to discuss with the doctor a little more about stress and depression..... Now I know I have a future longer than I thought (I was expecting to be dead by Christmas), I don't want to spend it feeling so depressed.....

I will let you know what the doc says tomorrow.


Phil ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1488-hello-all-apologies-my-absence.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1477-time-move-forward-again.html Sat, 30 Jul 2011 07:23:59 GMT As always, the daily stas for the nicotine reduction:- 8 days, 10 hours and 16 minutes With a combination of the patches, lozenges and the terrible fear that I have gone through over the last few months, well it is proving easier to get past... As always, the daily stas for the nicotine reduction:-

8 days, 10 hours and 16 minutes

With a combination of the patches, lozenges and the terrible fear that I have gone through over the last few months, well it is proving easier to get past the nicotine dependency than I every thought possible.

I am not craving much at all, and of course the biggest worry of all has been removed. The other side of things is that I have realised how much I want to live, so that is also having an impact.

Yes, stress is still incredibly high, I am in a mess both personally and financially, beyond anything that I could have ever thought possible. Having said that, I am now in a position whereby I am looking at a manageable chronic illness which is far better than yesterday.

Anyhow, I have got a lot of things to workout, lots of tests to go and also work to do, all i need is for a couple of reasonable orders to come in, and I could start to pay my debts.

I guess that as a result of the X-Ray, I have moved significantly on the depression side, possibly to the first or second circle..... so this is far better than I thought, one day I can now hope that I can leave..... there is a lot to do first though. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1477-time-move-forward-again.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1475-tough-but-still-walking-line.html Fri, 29 Jul 2011 06:42:57 GMT Well, I am still free from inhaled nicotine, and very proud of myself. The Current Stats are:- 7 day 9 hours 36 minutes. For those who have been reading the blog, you will know that today is possibly the day I get my chest X-Ray results. It... Well, I am still free from inhaled nicotine, and very proud of myself. The Current Stats are:-

7 day 9 hours 36 minutes.

For those who have been reading the blog, you will know that today is possibly the day I get my chest X-Ray results. It was a very very scary night last night, and (I know this is going to sound so incredibly stupid) I really wanted a cigarette to calm my nerves. So much I could almost taste it. As I have mentioned many times, the fear also was the motivation not to weaken, but it was very hard last night. I can, with hand on heart, say I did not run to the shop to buy some; despite the craving being higher and worse than any time up to now.

The depression is also there, and again on a downward trend again. Partly because there is not a soul in the world I can talk to about what is going on here. I have never felt so alone or isolated.

I will blog later with the results, I am a bit too upset to write any more just now. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1475-tough-but-still-walking-line.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1473-not-horrific.html Thu, 28 Jul 2011 07:19:37 GMT Well, just a brief post today, just to say that I am still doing well on the nicotine replacement. I have not used my e-cig or smoked a real cigarette for what feels like ages. The actual stats are:- 6 days and 10 hours I would have, in this... Well, just a brief post today, just to say that I am still doing well on the nicotine replacement. I have not used my e-cig or smoked a real cigarette for what feels like ages. The actual stats are:-

6 days and 10 hours

I would have, in this time smoked 256 cigarettes or the the equivalent electronic vapour.....

That is truly amazing, I do feel that I would have used maybe 10mL of e-cig liquid in that time and so I am rightly proud I think.

As I said previously, the fear of the chest X-Ray does focus the mind. but even so, it is quite scary to think how much rubbish I have been throwing down my lungs.

I do have a little cough at the minute but am not sure if that is part of the cleaning process or if that is perhaps anything else.

I still have not heard anything from the doctor yet, so I am still in limbo as far as that is concerned. It is strange, when something is in your mind, then there are triggers everywhere; Cancer UK are running a series of TV ads for fund-raising at the minute, and it seems that the advert is on every single break at the minute when I am in front of TV. I went to the local shop to get a pint of milk for the office and there was a fund-raising ball advertised for the local Mesothelioma ward at the local hospital.... Things like that do raise the thoughts to the top of the list which is quite hard.

I am getting phone calls from the lawyer in New York who is managing the class action for the 9/11 rescue/recovery workers and at the minute I cannot even bring myself to speak with him..... The depression is still about the level it was yesterday. Sir Isaac Newton, one of the greatest physicists wrote the three laws of motion. the first law states:-

I. Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

This also seems to work with depression and I think that is could be paraphrased like this :-

Every person in a state of depression tends to remain in that same state of depression unless an external influence is applied to that person.

At the minute, there has been no major change in my personal situation (hardly likely in just 24 hours) and so my state of depression remains constant. I am not currently on medication and will not look at any medication for the depression until I have the results of the dreaded X-Ray. Then several things will happen, first, my personal situation will have changed, I may or may not have a future, that will have an impact, I will be receiving some proper treatment and also a diagnostic course (hopefully) for whatever it is that ails me. and also I can then look at treatment for the stress and depression which will all be external influences.

Anyhow, 36 hours to go and I should have had a result. I will post it and let you know what is happening.

Thank you all for reading this, and I hope someone somewhere finds this interesting or at least not boring.... I would also like to thank healthboards.com for giving me somewhere I can open my heart and vent some of the feelings that I have not been able to do for over 40 years...... I am truly grateful ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1473-not-horrific.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1471-more-stress-along-way.html Wed, 27 Jul 2011 07:45:55 GMT Well, what can we say? having a tough time at the minute. I guess the good news is the place to start, 5 days, 9 hours and 54 minutes is the current time without inhaling nicotine. (as mentioned previously the phrase is used to cover smoking... Well, what can we say? having a tough time at the minute.

I guess the good news is the place to start, 5 days, 9 hours and 54 minutes is the current time without inhaling nicotine. (as mentioned previously the phrase is used to cover smoking cigarettes and using an e-cig) so even under normal circumstances I guess I should be proud of that.

Although the smoking cessation services will tell you that stress is an excuse for smoking, and that cigarettes do not help with stressful situations, they do sometimes suggest that stressful times are not the right time to give up..... well the stress is growing here at an almost exponential rate and is at a level that I have never been to before. But due to worries about health, this may be the last chance I have to give up nicotine dependence, I just hope it is not too late.

The stress comes from several points, one is trying to build a small business in very difficult economic times and the obvious stress from that. My product has been in development for nearly 4 years and has cost every penny that I had, could borrow or supply from any other means. currently I owe so much money through the business that I could sometimes just sit and cry (to be honest I do fairly often). It was one of the factors in my divorce although that is another story, Also personally I have not been able to pay myself for about 3 years. The best I have been able to do is cover the rent on my house. I owe the electricity company thousands of pounds, I owe the council thousands of pounds. I have only about twenty pounds a week to live on as I am not eligible for help from the social fund/state help. At times I have to not eat so that I have some money for when my son comes to visit so I can feed him. When I do eat during the week, I really do eat absolute rubbish. This is not a good way of life to say the very least. The plus point is that I think the company is not too far away from being able to pay a basic wage and therefore I would be incredibly stupid to walk away now. But on that side of things, I guess if it was easy, everyone would do it. But the hardship is almost a physical entity. It is with me in the office, it is with me when I get home, it is with me when I go to sleep and it is the first thing I have to deal with when I wake up.

The second cause of stress is hopefully a short term thing, which is waiting for the results of my chest X-Ray which after a lifetime of smoking tobacco (cigarettes and a few cigars here and there, although they have been for special occasions, the birth of my son, sales orders etc) A lifetime of smoking cannabis sometimes more than others, but not so much over the last few years as this has been the first luxury to fall by the wayside... And also a significant amount of time dealing with the after effects of accidents and deliberate events as a disaster recovery specialist, but very specifically the asbestos and chemical exposure that came with that job: means that there is a significant risk that the chest X-Ray is going to be an unpleasant one. The stress from that again is almost taking on a life of it's own.

The other stress factor is again business related and it does seem that there are certain underhand practices that are happening from one if not both of my partners and this again is putting my business at risk and of course making my life pure hell.

To be honest, at this time there is only one reason why I am still here, that is my son. I really do believe that if it were not for him, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago and possibly would not be here to write this blog at all. I do think every day if today is the day that I cannot take any more. There is a railway line that I have to cross every day, and every day I think about turning right or left rather than going straight across, but then every day I see my son's face in my mind's eye and I do walk across. But I am not sure how long I can go on for.

Having said that I do also think about if the reasons for the pain that lead to the X-Ray may be punishment for even considering this. So maybe this is an choice that is going to get taken away from me, and the pain of that thought just adds to everything else.

Following my time in the disaster recovery, I ended up with PTSD and although the anxiety and the night terrors that went with that have subsided, I do not know if the effects are still there waiting to erupt again like Mount Vesuvius with the ash and lava just being an outpouring of symptoms that will overwhelm my abilities to control it? I am not sure, or if I could cope with that again

Also there is the depression side of things as well, again it is depression triggered by stress, by financial hardships and also by loneliness. I work, I go home, I work. Yes I have my parents but I cannot tell them as I would not like to worry them, they are not young and I don't want to burden them with what is going on. Since my divorce 3 or 4 years ago this month (time is a little difficult to follow now) I have lived in my little house, and other than my son visiting me every weekend I can fit in (work and travel permitting, it probably averages out at 3 weekends in 4) no one visits me, I really have no friends. And those people I do know (although not actually friends) only ever see the smiling happy mask that I wear out in public. In the 3 or 4 years that I have lived in the house, I have had not one visitor.... Not even the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on my door. No-one has called in for a coffee.

I guess due to a touch of aspergers, it would make no difference even if I did have a friend, as I still would not be able to speak about inner feelings. I really am not doing very well today.....

I really do apologise for moaning on, but I feel that if I said nothing, I would burst, I would literally tear myself apart. I hope that tomorrow may be a better day. In the book 'Inferno' by Dante, hell is made up of seven circles. at the minute I would place myself (location-wise, and not for any specific punishment reasons I must add!!) in about the 6th circle of hell. 7 being the circle that would cause a catastrophic meltdown. If I had a better day, I may drop back to the 5th circle. A really really good day would take me maybe back to the 4th circle, but the problem is; I am still in Hell. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1471-more-stress-along-way.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1470-brief-but-multiple-updates.html Tue, 26 Jul 2011 07:46:41 GMT Well, today is day 4 since I quit inhaled nicotine. to be precise at this moment, it is 4 days, 10 hours and 25 minutes since any smoke or vapour passed my lips!! I am actually quite proud of myself. If I am quiet, I still think about it but... Well, today is day 4 since I quit inhaled nicotine. to be precise at this moment, it is 4 days, 10 hours and 25 minutes since any smoke or vapour passed my lips!!

I am actually quite proud of myself. If I am quiet, I still think about it but hopefully the thoughts will pass with time.

One of the problems with electronic cigarettes is that once they are filled up, the tank is supposed to be equivalent to (up to) 100-150 cigarettes. I have just realised that using these things makes it very hard to determine how many cigarette equivalents have been smoked. Therefore the nicotine withdrawal is maybe getting a bit harder now, I fear that I may have been inhaling the nicotine from maybe 200 cigarettes a day (equivalent) But I am not a jellied lump on the floor and I am not using even half of my allowable lozenges per day, so all is going quite well at the minute.

I do have a difficult time coming up next week. On Monday, I have a few hundred miles to drive across 3 countries and driving is when I smoke/vape most, and I will be on my own! so I am a wee bit concerned as to how I will handle that, but I shall do my best and I will also be totally honest in my posting. Having said that, the news I am waiting for (good or not) does tend to focus the mind. I will urge anyone who has not yet started to quit to do so, as you really do not want to have to go through the mental pain of waiting for these results. Also the results are more devastating because of the knowledge that it is all self inflicted. It hurts.

On the result side of things, as mentioned yesterday, I now have to wait until at least Friday before they come through, or at least some kind of indication from the doctor as to why there is the delay. I am hoping that the delay is because they are just very busy and that the results will come back as clear. But there again I hope every week that I will win the lottery, and that hasn't happened. But at least on Friday I will have some kind of answer.

I spent the last weekend with my son, we were out and about, (I was doped up on pain-killers so I did not wince or walk stiffly) and although I enjoyed every moment with him, I was constantly thinking "How many more weekends do I have" it is a very difficult time at the minute.

This is triggering my depression as well and even that is a self feeding cycle. My lovely house is a mess as I really cannot be bothered at the minute, but when I get home on an evening it makes me feel bad because it is a mess. Then that makes me think of everything else. I am in a self inflicted world of mental torture and physical pain, coupled with the heartbreak that I am feeling. Looking back to school days, when I spent that 5 pence on that first cigarette, If I could go back in time now, I would beat my younger self to a bloody pulp rather than live through this.

Anyhow, work time, I will update again tomorrow and once again, for those who have not quit yet, I cannot say this enough, see your doctor, blog your process here, it does help certainly when you are being honest. Throw away your lighters, cigarettes, e-juice... any nicotine containing products except the cessation products. save your lives and spread the message. Even if you fail first time, then keep trying. One day at a time soon adds up to 4 days. then it is only 50% more to get to 6 days etc. Please please, for yourselves and your children, quit! ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1470-brief-but-multiple-updates.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1468-nicotine-update.html Mon, 25 Jul 2011 06:55:13 GMT well, three days upto now, not weakened... I am craving a little bit, but manageable, so hopefully this quitting inhaled nicotine is not doing too bad. Pain in the chest, back and shoulders is still there, still panicking about Tuesday. To be... well, three days upto now, not weakened...

I am craving a little bit, but manageable, so hopefully this quitting inhaled nicotine is not doing too bad.

Pain in the chest, back and shoulders is still there, still panicking about Tuesday. To be honest, it is all I can think about at the minute. I am trying to focus, because work is suffering through it, but what can I do?

It is not every day you are waiting to find out if you have a death sentence, or even just what the hell is wrong.... It is having a large impact on life at the moment.

Anyhow, just thought I would add a little more to today's post (While I have a spot of lunch) I have been very good with the nicotine side of things. I have not smoked or used the electronic cigarette since I went to bed Thursday night. To be honest, in some ways I am not even sure that the nicotine replacement therapy is actually doing anything at all. I guess it is as I am not craving the nicotine, but I am craving the hand to mouth action more than anything. Even the electronic cigarettes still require that, even my electronic pipe still required that. But during the cessation meeting I had with the doctor, this was one of the things discussed, and they offered me an inhaler to help with that sort of thing. I turned it down for two reasons.... One was that I would still be inhaling stuff into my lungs (no smoke or vapour, but still inhaling) The second reason was that it would prolong the hand to mouth action and so I chose the patches and the lozenges so I made a clean break of it.

So general impressions..... not too bad, but here is the very stupid part of the whole equation, I am scared out of my mind about what the doctor will say about my lungs (possibly tomorrow, should be, but it may be a day or two delayed); do I have anything seriously abnormal with my lungs from either smoking or asbestos exposure? Because I a so scared about the news I could be about to receive, I could really do with a cigarette to steady my nerves:dizzy:

How bloody stupid is that?

At the same time, I have finally realised that nicotine does very little any more, I do not enjoy cigarettes, do not feel any 'benefit' (possibly wrong terminology) but do not feel different for having smoked one or used my e-cig, yet I still want one! As mentioned previously, more for the hand to mouth action, but even so it is rather numb.

So, I guess that it is just addiction, nothing more, nothing less.... But how to explain the fear of what I have done to myself, and the desire (maybe not craving as such, but desire) to continue..... I may have used this phrase before, but I thought I was intelligent..... Obviously not!

Anyhow, I will post more tomorrow when I have had (I say hopefully, but again, wrong word... I want the results but I don't at the same time) the results. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1468-nicotine-update.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1458-depression-side-life.html Fri, 22 Jul 2011 19:32:15 GMT Well, just a quick post here.

Just watched an episode of dr who.... it is "The Doctor and Vincent"

This is an episode that deals entirely with depression. It is both my favourite and also the hardest sci-fi episode to deal with. It is an interpretation of depression and has just has me in tears. In fact I had to go to the bathroom so my son did not see me crying.

It makes me realise that mental illness is more common than many people realise. But the way it was done was so 'real' that it made me cry my bloody heart out. I have tried to use this as a talking point to begin to explain my situation. It is hard, but I hope he does understand.

There are two difficulties, one is dealing witth the issue, the other is trying not to scare my son. There is possibly a third issue which is to differenciate the public face from the face that no one else sees..... maybe I should speak to my doctor about this. But having seen this episode again I do reslise how much it fits. I would recommend this as a watchable programme for anyone looking for a conversation starter about depression while still being something that is very watchable......

Got to go now, need to try not to look too affected in front of my son. ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1458-depression-side-life.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1455-oops.html Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:07:16 GMT Ok, so I have been looking at my blog (I did say it was my first one ever, so please forgive me) and realised that I have been commenting on, not posting to my blog. Ah well, even us technical genii have to make some mistakes otherwise we would... Ok, so I have been looking at my blog (I did say it was my first one ever, so please forgive me) and realised that I have been commenting on, not posting to my blog.

Ah well, even us technical genii have to make some mistakes otherwise we would not be human :D

So, I am still feeling under the weather, both in a symptomatic way (in quite a bit of pain today) also got a deep burning feeling in my lungs today which is something new. As well as a psychological level of discomfort, worrying about Tuesday.

This I am hoping is due to the lack of nicotine containing product (tobacco smoke or VG {vegetable glycerine based artificial smoke}) being inhaled. I hope so anyway.

Still not using my inhalers more than normal, so I am hoping that this is a positive sign regarding the overall condition of my lungs. Anyhow, as a result, I am going to be having a very short day at work today. I have to look as well and healthy as possible and also I have to be ready for my son visiting for the weekend. I do not want him to worry that there maybe something wrong, so max level of pain-killers and carry on for the weekend.

I am also hoping that I will get chance to speak to a friend today that I quite like (this is more digressing into the emotional side of me.... not an easy topic) I really wish I could just ask her out for a proper date at some point, and maybe if all is OK on Tuesday, then I have a reason to celebrate and possibly arrange a date... this could be interesting. She is aware of my aspie nature, and hopefully this could develop.... Ha, tis amazing this ability to outpour feelings and worries (see post {or comment} earlier about possibility that a blog is a very therapeutic process to allow the vocalisation {typesisation} of feelings that I could not do in person.....)

My life has been rather interesting I guess and I have been told by many people that I should write a book about it. I have often said that this is a rather silly idea. (in fact it was that sentiment but with more expletives :D) Maybe this is also the foundation of putting thoughts into words... But I guess that if time and situations allow, maybe this blog will begin to turn into the life story thing. Some of it is rather funny. Some is just surreal, some is absolutely heartbreaking. As they do in the movie trailers, they tend to give highlights. In my case, there would be a certain amount of running for borders, getting other people across borders sometimes in very humorous situations, but also there have been times when I have seen the worst that people can do to each other. This then in cases relates to the PTSD side of things. but we shall see where this leads. I actually have no idea whatsoever about the next word I am typing. I can't touch-type, so I am looking at the keyboard and then back up to the screen and it is quite strange, although this is what I have typed, I actually do not know what is there until I look up at the screen (then correct as many spelling mistakes as poss), but when I look up at the screen, I am finding myself reading it with interest and also for the first time.... if that makes any sense at all.....

The difficult thing is trying to keep on track, as there are so many things running in parallel that I am not sure how to organise my thoughts. Maybe I should do this like a pulp fiction type thing were I just keep going back to the start and then interlinking everything that way? or maybe I just ramble on in a vague manner.... Anyhow, all emails done for the day, it is a Friday afternoon and not much more happening, so I may shut the factory and go home, via my ex's house to pick up my son. Then got to go shopping.... Grrr I really dislike that. too many people for my liking. I get uncomfortable in my village shop when there are 3 people (including the staff) I now have to visit a supermarket in a nearby town:eek:.

In fact, (another digression) my village has about 500 residents. I have been there for nearly 4 years now, and I am thinking I need to find somewhere quieter. If I could find a hamlet nearby with maybe 50-60 residents I think that would be better. Just need some pennies to afford to move. Possibly another topic to be followed, I wonder if there is a tag line for "Unsociable old git!":D ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1455-oops.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1451-42-otherwise-known-life-universe-everything.html Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:00:42 GMT Well, I have never blogged before about anything.... not sure if this is the place to start, but as this entire forum seems to be filled with nice people, I guess this is a good place to start. How far back do we go? Where do we begin? how much... Well, I have never blogged before about anything.... not sure if this is the place to start, but as this entire forum seems to be filled with nice people, I guess this is a good place to start.

How far back do we go? Where do we begin? how much do we write at a time? Do I treat this as a kind of confessional? I am not sure is the answer to most of these....

The thing I can be more sure of is the question about how much I write at a time.... This is going to be the amount I can write while sitting having a little rest and a cup of coffee ;)

Reading the rules, I am supposed to use this as a diary of current medical conditions, and I guess the two that will be coming into the fore here will be the progress of diagnosis and hopefully treatment of the chest pains. The other will be the progress of quitting nicotine. There may well be some diversions into depression and stress and also some verbalised introspection.

As far as the timescale is concerned, this could go all the way back to junior school where I first realised I was different (undiagnosed aspergers and also some hearing difficulty) which I guess does have some direct relationship to my current depressive characteristics. An example would be when I was in the second year of Junior School, I remember having these headphones on to determine as they told my mother and myself, "If I am deaf or daft"... the diagnosis was "Daft" so I was put on the remedial table at the back of the classroom where I spend most of my school life..... Needless to say, I did not do really well at school!

When I was 16 I ended up managing to get on a college foundation course, came as a bit of a shock :eek:, I can tell you. Anyhow, I found difficulty in taking down notes when I could not see the lecturer (i.e. when his back was turned) This led me to see a doctor who sent me to an audiologist who sent me for surgery which led eventually to a couple of hearing aids..... Hmmmm deaf or daft? well I think the school hearing service should diagnose themselves.... deaf to the symptoms and daft for not examining further; gets them coming and going :). (Little further info there, after that course, I joined the Navy and followed another course leading me to be an officer, and qualified in electronics as well.... further proof of my daftness)

Unfortunately this whole thing at school was just the kind of thing that some of the others saw as a reason for bullying.... :mad: This was the norm until the day I went to the first college. Then I found out what education really was all about! :cool: The principal's opening speech is one that I remember to this day "If you want to work, you will have all the help and support you need, if not; {words to the effect of go away quickly, possibly procreating on the way} I had found my home :).

Anyhow, as I do, I digress quite a lot, and will try to get back on track, but early life was quite difficult and that has kind of stayed with me throughout life, (including 2 marriages that failed) but having had the diagnosis of aspergers, things are a little more controlled now as I understand that the difference is not bad, just... er..... different :)

In some of my posts you will notice I have PTSD this is partly due to Ground Zero (I was there as a project manager for 6 months) and also the fact that my work at the time was disaster recovery and restoration. This meant, that every place I went, every site I visited was due to fire or flood. Mainly natural (or accidental) but also man-made such as explosions etc. This did show me some fairly horrific things over nearly 15 years. And had a long term impact although again things are getting better.

Stress is the other side both worrying (currently) about my Son, business, finances, and possible serious illness I will break these down over time....

Anyhow, this coffee is cool enough now, so will slurp it and get back to work.... ]]> Phil uk http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/phil-uk/1451-42-otherwise-known-life-universe-everything.html