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I've been in this "funk" if you will,for over 7 years now.
I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
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Posted 12-20-2012 04:14 AM by Phoenix
Well,here I am...the culmination of all my blogs come full circle.
I reminisce about the years of anger and what I allowed it to do to me.
It turned me into this unrecognizable being.Losing sight of myself was the least of my worries(or so it seemed).I had no concern for my own well-being.
My health declined,then stabilized and plummeted again.I was truly Mr.Inconsistent.
Truth be told,I didn't care if I lived,due to my quality of life issues.I was in the deepest,darkest...
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Posted 12-19-2012 03:48 AM by Phoenix
Updated 12-23-2012 01:48 AM by Phoenix
A famous person once said:"You can live as if nothing is a miracle;you can live as if everything is a miracle."
There's something to what he said then,which I choose to include now.
Slowly but surely,i've noticed that my ideas are shifting towards the positive aspect of life in general.
The bigger picture is slowly coming into focus and envisioning its' counter-part,the smaller has become an attainable goal.
All I ever wanted to do was free myself from the shackles...
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Posted 12-17-2012 02:34 AM by Phoenix
Updated 12-17-2012 09:46 PM by Phoenix
I glanced over part IV and realize that I just let my mind run,which is ok.It's a testament to how I was feeling at the time.
Yesterday I attended mass and once service had ended,as the parishioners were leaving,I did something.I proceeded to make the sign of the cross and went up to the altar.Atop,there was a cross with Jesus' image adorned.I proceeded to touch the wounded areas of the image and then my specific points of pain.Now it wasn't the first and by no means the last time I will...
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Posted 12-14-2012 03:36 PM by Phoenix
Updated 12-14-2012 11:35 PM by Phoenix
My body is stiff as a board,in some places and tender in the others.
I've got to remember why i'm doing this in the first place.................oh yeah;to better satisfy my quality of life issues.
Feeling this drained has to have its advantages,doesn't it?
As long as i'm being facetious and not actually talking to myself and responding in kind,i'm in a good place.
Somehow though,I feel as if i'm on a tightrope dangling.I don't dare look down to see how far my feet are...
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Posted 12-12-2012 11:40 AM by Phoenix
This weekend was by far the worse i've had yet.
Continuous vomiting and feelings of aches and nausea.If I wasn't sure that this too shall pass,i'd backslide in a minute.Thank goodness that's not the case.
As i'm not sleeping as much,i've gotten more time to do a few constructive things.
My muscles tense up at a moments notice and stiffen,which I usually try to do some light stretching to alleviate the problem.
When that doesn't work,it's right back in the bed,after ingesting...
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