I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
Trying To Stay Positive While Misery Is My Company
Well,how does one apply it correctly,when plagued with much more than the average person has to endure?
Zen mastery couldn't help me at this point.
I do know one thing;the answer is within me but I still can't seem to locate it.
At this point,I think it will take multiple disciplines to get me where I need to be;for me.
You see,I hold myself to a much higher standard than anyone else and when I ceased using illegal narcotics,I thought that it was the "end all,be all",to my existence.
Imagine my surprise,when I exceeded my expectations,from 2000 to 2005;inventing educational board games,patent-pending my schematics for an educational CD-rom,forming a non-profit organization,which was years beyond its' time(back then).I wrote poems,was writing a children's book and even wrote three short stories and wrote the schematics for several more inventions(obstacle course,portable ping-pong table,to name a few)while being a full time super.
I was finally realizing my potential;so I had thought.........
Until the motor vehicle accident of July 27th 2005.
The lies got to me,then the pain and somehow both seemed to create a recipe for where I am now;several surgeries and many medications and therapeutic measures later.
I want that productive person back;I NEED him back;at the very least a semblance of where I was.
I truly don't feel as if i'm accomplishing anything these days.
I'm still me;at least that's what my DNA states and if this is correct,where have I gone.
I realize that we must change to evolve and i'm all for change;but it's in the reverse direction.
I'm angry and can seriously relate to the character Ebinezer Scrooge;at least with his anger.