I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance, i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy, the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow; there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
When I say I'm tired;it's physically,psychologically,metaphoricall y,existentially and yet I have yet to get there..........so here goes.....
my soul hurts(I,myself,am blown away by what I just mentioned).
Most think of religion when mentioning this awe-inspired word but that's not what this is about.
My soul (at least to me) is every fiber of my being(sorry if I misspell anything;it's rather difficult to type when in tears).
Tears go way past the physical and yet are part of.
I envision people trampling over my dreams,as if they never existed and if they acknowledge that I dare dream,then their acceptance is only used as a tool to ridicule.
I'm torturing myself and yet no one can see the red fluid being drained from inside(ok...a bit over the top but it's my blog).
I don't want pity or compassion;I just want me to return.
It feels that people have taken me;not only for granted but for someone's court jester(envision a courtroom with judge,jury and attorneys,all waiting for me to"perform" as if I am there for amusement purposes only,as the defense steers the jury so far away from the truth,that I'm made to feel worst than a jester......Just a(piece of curse words).
Let me be the fist to apologize if this is bringing anyone down;it's not designed to.
I am typing this because I feel like a small guppy in an enormously,yet "depth"(spelling intended)-defying abyss,which I can only liken to a pond.
[Imagine if you will]
There I swim against the current with "salmon-like" instinct,while all others seem to be maneuvering with the greatest of ease.
Another fish bumps into me on purpose;simply because I was not only in its' way but because it could.
I envision two enormous fish with razor sharp fins and teeth.
They are approaching me at a menacing pace and I can't seem to move;both body and mind are in shock;frozen in time........until they pass me by as if i'm somehow invisible.
Alas,I see a school of fish that are my size and quickly accept me as one of their own,yet I can't seem to connect with them.
It's then that I self-proclaim myself as the black sheep of the fish world.
It then dawns on me that my life(situations and all) has helped me create this abyss-like pond...
I'm just so,so tired and all the rest in the galaxy couldn't change
Despite all this(and so much more) I continue to be the only person I can;me.
Posted 09-06-2012 at 06:56 AM by Fighter22
Updated 09-06-2012 at 06:59 AM by Fighter22 (Clean up typos)
Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:58 AM by Phoenix
Posted 03-31-2013 at 11:20 AM by Fighter22
Posted 03-31-2013 at 04:11 PM by Phoenix
Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:49 PM by Fighter22
Updated 04-09-2013 at 10:04 AM by Phoenix