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I've been in this "funk" if you will,for over 7 years now.

I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.

There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.

For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.

Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.

Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
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I'm Tired

Posted 08-13-2012 at 03:13 AM by Phoenix

As this is entry #7,which is supposed to be a lucky number,maybe I'll find success in posting this preface as well as blog below......

When I say I'm tired;it's physically,psychologically,metaphoricall y,existentially and yet I have yet to get there..........so here goes.....
my soul hurts(I,myself,am blown away by what I just mentioned).

Most think of religion when mentioning this awe-inspired word but that's not what this is about.
My soul (at least to me) is every fiber of my being(sorry if I misspell anything;it's rather difficult to type when in tears).
Tears go way past the physical and yet are part of.
I envision people trampling over my dreams,as if they never existed and if they acknowledge that I dare dream,then their acceptance is only used as a tool to ridicule.
I'm torturing myself and yet no one can see the red fluid being drained from inside(ok...a bit over the top but it's my blog).

I don't want pity or compassion;I just want me to return.

It feels that people have taken me;not only for granted but for someone's court jester(envision a courtroom with judge,jury and attorneys,all waiting for me to"perform" as if I am there for amusement purposes only,as the defense steers the jury so far away from the truth,that I'm made to feel worst than a jester......Just a(piece of curse words).
Let me be the fist to apologize if this is bringing anyone down;it's not designed to.
I am typing this because I feel like a small guppy in an enormously,yet "depth"(spelling intended)-defying abyss,which I can only liken to a pond.
[Imagine if you will]
There I swim against the current with "salmon-like" instinct,while all others seem to be maneuvering with the greatest of ease.
Another fish bumps into me on purpose;simply because I was not only in its' way but because it could.
I envision two enormous fish with razor sharp fins and teeth.
They are approaching me at a menacing pace and I can't seem to move;both body and mind are in shock;frozen in time........until they pass me by as if i'm somehow invisible.
Alas,I see a school of fish that are my size and quickly accept me as one of their own,yet I can't seem to connect with them.
It's then that I self-proclaim myself as the black sheep of the fish world.

It then dawns on me that my life(situations and all) has helped me create this abyss-like pond...

I'm just so,so tired and all the rest in the galaxy couldn't change
it.
Despite all this(and so much more) I continue to be the only person I can;me.
Total Comments 5

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    I can so relate To you Phoenix...especially about family. Long time breast cancer survivor with mets to bones and 84 iv drips of bisphosphonates that have caused severe bone fractures (I'd never been stung by a bee prior!). Was drug dependent on pain meds to manage pain yet soooo very much judgement especially from family with zero empathy incl daughter that Has cast me out as worthless. More bones break. Not on pain meds, feel tired, hurt and miserably misunderstood. Don't want to fall into the abyss of drug oblivion although pain is hell to live with. I'm looking for answers. Need to stop, slow down or do something logical to prevent more fractures (5 in 6 years), but don't have an alternative to an alternative other than allopathic. Seeing a Naturopath, trying homeopathy. Been told to try Forteo -- don't like what I've learned about it so far. So I'm catagorized as a useless human being taking up space and shunned -- dont get me wrong, I'm not bitter and I do have friends...but ,hey, even I'm getting tired of me. Thought you would relate to this
    permalink
    Posted 09-06-2012 at 06:56 AM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
    Updated 09-06-2012 at 06:59 AM by Fighter22 (Clean up typos)
  2. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar
    Hello Fighter22 and welcome.

    Never,never try to let anyone convince you that you're worthless.
    The only way you can be "worth less" is if you devalue your opinion of yourself.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:58 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Hi Phonix. You're name aloe tells me you can rise above the pond, razor sharp toothed fish & the abyss you find yourself in. Four weeks ago I took a major step. I rescued a small Maltese dog. He's approx 1 1/2 yr old adorable, adoring little ball of fur. I'd been sleeping my life away to escape the pain I'm in s especially from a dead mandible as a result of those same drugs I took. A DOG...spelled backwards is...he's changed me from lying in bed everyday, all day, isolating from the world because I've been so focused on myself that I made no room for joy or life. Is it possible for you to get a dog? The Americans With Disabilities Act makes it possible, with a letter from one or more of your doctors stating a condition you have for which a companion dog will help, and voila, whether you live in a place that doesn't allow animals or not, you're covered! I got five letters. Now I'm responsible for something other than my broken self. Therefore, I'm not laying around miserable! I've learned his schedule, I walk, talk to and sleep with this little warm body next to me and I feel so much better. Still on pain meds. But a whole new world has opened up for me. Perhaps that company could help you?!
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 11:20 AM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar
    Hello Fighter22 and Happy Easter...

    You are an inspiration and your post actually brought a smile to my face.
    Though I may not be ready for a dog yet,I was considering a decent sized fish tank.
    My daughter has goldfish and I seem to be the only one taking care of them.
    Being responsible for my own fish may be just what the doctor ordered(so to speak).

    I still won't rule out a dog though....the more the merrier.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 04:11 PM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
  5. Old Comment
    I swear I've been where you are.
    Phoenix, you can pull yourself up.
    permalink
    Posted 03-31-2013 at 07:49 PM by Fighter22 Fighter22 is offline
    Updated 04-09-2013 at 10:04 AM by Phoenix
 

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